separated after 4 weeks of marriage

zztopgirl

Husband walked out/was kicked out this afternoon, only got married last month. Have had enough of his behaviour, since we got married there has just been constant arguing, tears, he wouldnt come near me despite my efforts to make him interested and so it will be quite easy to get a divorce (or an annullment? does anyone know if a marriage can be annulled when it hasnt been consummated?). Its really embarrassing and I feel so ashamed but know its not my fault, I have done nothing wrong. I feel tremendously ugly and awful though, dont know where to start and need to make sure I never trust another man again.

Need to look for a job, feel terribly alone but got my pet ferret and goldfish for company, my ex-husband walked out on me last year and took my laptop, this time im firmly holding onto my new one. My divorce came through in july and we had high hopes for the marriage, but he changed before the ink on the certificate was dry and his behaviour is evil, he had a go at me this evening down the phone about my daughter (whom I live apart from as I had a mental breakdown), we have already split a few times in the past few weeks, but only for a few hours at a time, then one of us holds out the white flag.

He is phoning tomorrow regarding picking up his belongings sometime, need to work on self-esteem and confidence asap and be strong. Sorry for yet another divorce thread on this board but even my mum is proud of me for having the guts to tell the husband to get out.

plimsoll

{{{hugs}}}

my friend is getting an annulment (hopefully!) her husband walked out after 4 days... Solicitor looked into it and you can get one for "refusal of sexual intercourse" - and apparently wedding day itself doesn't count as consummation anyway. If you don't have a job then presumably you're either on or going onto appropriate benefits? In which case Legal Help should pay solicitors fees/court fees for you.

(NB I would also suggest looking into The Freedom Programme, if they do one near you it's fantastic for helping you to recover from abusive relationships - "changing" once feet under table e.g. marriage or pregnancy is common in abusive men)

zztopgirl

Thanks, one of the times I ran away and called the police (he was frightening me and trying to make me attack him, his ex's have all been abusive) and I was so ashamed, this is my 3rd marriage and although the least abusive, its still abuse and im trying to tell myself its not my fault. He isnt violent, is just grinding me down.

I got the book that went with the Freedom course, its very good but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He is so badly damaged, and its not up to me to resolve his issues, he has been married twice before also and both ex-wives were very abusive, sadly I think he was expecting me to start abusing him now that im his wife.

Its awful but I have to get on with my life now. I havent worked since 2003 (since I was pregnant with dd, then became a carer for 4 years) and havent a clue where to start, have been looking at vacancies lately on the sly, and they all require references. Husband lives on incapacity and income support, so I would have to apply for jsa now, wish there was someone who could hold my hand and guide me through to the other side!

zztopgirl

Thanks, I will have a look and see if there are any helpful threads going, dont think I will sleep much tonight.

Oddly, his best mate has taken my side, and my best (male) friend who is also good friends with the husband, has taken his side, which makes the pain worse (we were last together on saturday and he was a great comfort, he had already heard both sides). But am hurting so much that being online is a distraction from the pain. My 1st ex-husband's best friend also took my side, so its a bit twilight zone-ish to me!

princesstippytoes

An awful place to be. What age are you and your husband zztopgirl?

zztopgirl

Both 36, 2 months between us, in the same year at school, same friends, lived couple of doors apart, could go on and on, but we only really noticed each other last year and realised how perfectly matched we are, or would have been if it wasnt for all our excess baggage.

princesstippytoes

I asked your ages because your post re your mates taking sides sounded like you are both younger. It's not about your mates, it's about you your hubby and your daughter. You have cumulated five marriages not including this one between you and are both most likely carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I know it's hard but I think you both need to sit down and think hard on if you want to continue with this marriage. If you do it will have to be a joint decision and you will need to take your daughters feelings into account. If you do decide to try to patch it up and begin again I only see it working if you are both prepared to work very at it and get help with counselling. If you do decide to go your separate ways please think long and hard about getting married again. I wish you lots of luck whatever way you go.

zztopgirl

princesstippytoes wrote: »

I asked your ages because your post re your mates taking sides sounded like you are both younger. It's not about your mates, it's about you your hubby and your daughter. You have cumulated five marriages not including this one between you and are both most likely carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I know it's hard but I think you both need to sit down and think hard on if you want to continue with this marriage. If you do it will have to be a joint decision and you will need to take your daughters feelings into account. If you do decide to try to patch it up and begin again I only see it working if you are both prepared to work very at it and get help with counselling. If you do decide to go your separate ways please think long and hard about getting married again. I wish you lots of luck whatever way you go.

I think I already know its over and that I will never trust another man again. I have tried to make it work but as I told him yesterday, I cant single-handledly save this marriage unless he wants to make an effort too, which he seems reluctant to do so. We have sought counselling earlier this year for our issues and ended up making a complaint against the counsellor (I had a thread on mse about it at the time) but it has put us both off going for counselling again.

We have brilliant communication and can sit and talk for hours, but there are just too many issues for this to be workable. I have some good self-help books and we started doing some tasks/exercises but it seemed to end up in another argument. I know there is an easy solution, that we call time-out, but I cant carry on living with the constant snipes, put downs, walking on eggshells, being too stressed to eat or sleep properly.

My daughter was from a previous marriage and now lives with her father, but even so, my children will be picking up the bad vibes when they see me. Im going to spend some alone time with my eldest dd when I feel more settled. Just be me and my kids from now on:j

geri1965_2

You got married very quickly after splitting up with your last husband - do you think with hindsight you could have been on the rebound, or scared of being alone?

As princesstippytoes says, you need to think long and hard about what you want, and once the decision is made, stick to it.

zztopgirl

geri1965 wrote: »

You got married very quickly after splitting up with your last husband - do you think with hindsight you could have been on the rebound, or scared of being alone?

As princesstippytoes says, you need to think long and hard about what you want, and once the decision is made, stick to it.

I feel better being alone, have spent most of the day curled up and thinking. I wasn't to know he would change after getting married but am not knocking myself for it, if only abusive men came with references. Im actually crying a lot less, have had 2 little sniffles today but nowhere near the amount of daily crying I have done since we married.

tandraig

not really sure what to say - but i couldnt read and run.
my sympathies zztopgirl. you must be feeling awful.
all I can say is that you shouldnt dwell on past mistakes, learn from them and move on - hopeful that things work out for the best.
it could be that you needed each other at that point in your lives but not to the extent of marrying each other.
or it may just be that your OH needs to learn not all women are abusive. and you need to learn not all men are. would be nice if you could learn that together dont you think? perhaps as friends rather than partners?
either way - you need to discuss with him whats going to happen - he may prefer to go for annullment too.
whatever happens i wish you the best for the future.