Advise wanted, drugs prison and blindness!

desperateneedofhelp

Hi folks. To start with I'm a member of MSE but this situation is a little delicate and I have kept this a secret from friends and some family members, so I have to keep this annoymous for personnal reasons.

Lets get started.

One of my family members works for, lets say the government which is correct in saying. Now, this individual seems to go through relationships without thinking about who people are and getting to know them properly. Now, again this family member has gone onto another relationship which has given us cause for concern. After this relationship began we heard through the grapevine that this person had a bit of previous history with the law. This involved drugs and theft. Anyway, we confronted the peron in the family and asked about these allegations which were rejected and arguments errupted. Now the family member did say the the 'other half' did do a little drugs now and again and did infact have a record of a 'minor' theft, on which this person was on probation for.

Now, it turns out this individual has gone to prison for 4 weeks for missing a probation appointment. This seems to be getting bigger and bigger every week that passes. The family member seems to be blinded at the moment and can't see our prospective on this matter and how things in his life may be affected, career etc.

The problem we have is that we cant find any definate answers to questions, like this persons previous record. Is there any way we can get to know what previous convictions a person has. It seems strange that an individual can go to prison for missing a probation appointment for a 'very minor' conviction and what the family member says it is a minor offence in comparrison with going to prison for 4 weeks.

Some how i need to get to the truth, but when you confront the family member involved it just gets to huge arguments and fallouts.

help please

BeenieCat

I don't understand your motives, are you purely just worried that this relationship could affect your relatives career? If so then i doubt any amount of family meddling will make them see sense, love is blind as you say!

On another note, try googling for local news items lol.

desperateneedofhelp

BeenieCat wrote: »

I don't understand your motives, are you purely just worried that this relationship could affect your relatives career? If so then i doubt any amount of family meddling will make them see sense, love is blind as you say!

On another note, try googling for local news items lol.

yes, i am worried about the family members career, but there are other issues to, its not meddling its trying to protect a family member from making a big mistake in their life. As i have stated we have heard things through the grapevine but the stories are repeated the same as we hear them so its not chinese whispers. I really just want to know what past this person has.

RadoJo

Unfortunately, no matter what you are able to discover, unless this family member wants to get rid, there's not much you can do. I'm guessing they have ignored your concerns so far, so they clearly are letting their head rule their heart so until they are ready to accept a dose of reality, all you will do is drive a wedge between yourself and this family member.

All I can suggest is what I would do: voice your concerns once, calmly and rationally and explain that you want them to be happy, but you are worried about their future. Tell them what you think but leave out any unfounded accusations or threats of trying to find out more, and explain that you would feel happier if you knew they were aware of all the potential issues which they might encounter. Explain that although it's their decision, and you want them to be happy, but you will also always be there for them if they need it and leave it at that.

From your post, it seems that you care a lot about this person, but if you want to preserve a relationship with them, you might have to bite your tongue in order to leave the door open for them if things do go wrong. If you make them feel like everyone's against their relationship, it might be harder for them to admit that it's not making them happy, and they might be tempted to stick with it for longer than they would have to try and prove everyone wrong.

I know it's hard, but assuming this person is over 18, all you can do is be there if they need someone and try not to worry. Good luck - I know it's easier said (or typed!) than done.

carolan78

Call your local court and see if they have any archives of the magetrate seatings. You could try searching for his name in there. Other than that I can't think of anything, but I feel you need to let this one drop anyway and just be there if and when it all goes pearshaped. Unless he has done something that will put your family member in physical/mental danger then you will have to let the said family member learn through their own mistakes.

You could be indanger of alienating the family member so they feel they can not turn to you in the future x

Gavin83

I'd be really careful with this one. The family member is an adult, capable of making their own decisions and they are clearly happy enough at the moment. You have voiced your concerns, which is fine, but I would leave it at that. If you keep going on about it it may cause problems.

If you go to your relative with all this information you've dug out about their new partner, you'll likely to lose them as a relative. At the best your relationship will never the be same again. I'd suggest if you still want contact with them to stay out of it.

Are you also suggesting that someone with a criminal convinction shouldn't have future relationships with people? I really don't know the circumstances of the convinction, or how recent it was, but people may see it in different ways. I wouldn't even consider a convinction for drugs as a proper convinction, although theft would bother me. Different people have different viewpoints though.

Also, can he really have his career affected by this? Im fairly sure if a job sacked you because your partner had a convinction you could sue them for unfair dismissal.

rocketdog_2

Gavin83 wrote: »

Also, can he really have his career affected by this? Im fairly sure if a job sacked you because your partner had a convinction you could sue them for unfair dismissal.

If it's a conflict of interest between the criminal activity and the person's job, then I would say it could very well affect thier career and there would be no grounds to sue for unfair dismissal.

Gavin83

Really? It's really acceptable for an employer to sack someone based on something their partner has done? What if it's a child or a friend?

If for example, a man was in the police force. His wife then gets arrested for assault. Would he have the choice of either divorcing her or losing his job?

I just find it hard to believe you can lose your job for something you've had no part in what so ever. If I lost my job because my partner committed a crime I'd be looking to take whatever legal action possible.

desperateneedofhelp

I don't think it will have an impact on this persons current job, however, lets say this person may want to join the police service or something like that in the next few years then it may have implications. at present the 'lover' is inside for 4 weeks for missing a probation appointment, for the minor theft?? that we are scepticle of, if someone had a minor theft conviction would they be on probation? what circumstances would you be on probation? and for a minor theft, would you go to prison for missing a probation appointment?

It seems that a minor theft has lead someone to go to prison? the theft is no more than £30, fist offence, second offence not sure?? there are too many questions and i can't get a clear answer.

The individual concerned is nealry 20 and has a good career at the moment. As a family we have explained the problems that may occur and been upfront but told the person that we are always there, we have not shunned them and they are always welcome, but we just want the truth.

Its difficult and we dont want to upset the 'reletive' but we have to consider other people to in this problem.

springclean

blimey, you sound like a Sicilian family!

i was going to add to that, but am thinking better of it...:cool:

Gavin83

desperateneedofhelp wrote: »

The individual concerned is nealry 20 and has a good career at the moment. As a family we have explained the problems that may occur and been upfront but told the person that we are always there, we have not shunned them and they are always welcome, but we just want the truth.

Its difficult and we dont want to upset the 'reletive' but we have to consider other people to in this problem.

What other people do you have to consider? I don't really see how it's anyones business but your relative and his girlfriends. Telling him that your concerned and informing him that your always there for him is a good reaction IMO, but you really shouldn't take it any further. He'll just see you as interfering, and believe me, it will damage your relationship.

I can agree that there is probably more than a minor theft to consider but frankly it's none of your business anyway.