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Partner does not trust me as a Dad

A few months ago I posted here about my partner going to the US for study purposes for a few months from Julty till December.
In the end it was decided that rather than my daughter going she would stay here with me. It's all going well, she attends afterschool club and all, but now I am noticing something sad and surprising.
She does not trust me as Dad. She does not think that I can do what a "mother" can. She implied that her mother or sister should come round to check if my daughter is well dressed, well groomed and they should be in charge of those girlie things, like picking what she wears, take her out shopping... What am I?

Am I just the guy that picks up and drops of at school? Am I the guy that helps paying the bills, am I the guy that takes her to cinema, park, am I just that? She has always been a very full-on mum, and I understand it's difficult to be away for a few months but I am also a parent.

This came as huge suprise to me and has affected my relationship. She is asking her family to go around and decide what a 7 year old should do, leaving me to the side...
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Comments

  • Dave101t
    Dave101t Posts: 4,157 Forumite
    that is interesting, but women love to fuss around so if your family is mostly women then that is to be expected, but only to a small extent. have you told them that you are offended by their attitude? your the father, tell them all to get stuffed if you want, i would.
    what does your daughter think of your ability to look after her?

    ps, you say partner doesnt trust, not wife, is the child biologically yours because they can be funny about that...
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  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    I remember your original thread.

    I think she is probably missing her daughter very much, and is desperate to be seen as 'looking out for her' and this is the only way she knows how. I seem to remember that you were separating, and she is probably very scared that you would get residency of the child. I should also imagine it's difficult to be a mum away from a child. By keeping her side of the family in close contact she is trying to emphasise that mum can still take care of girliness.

    I don't think it's a matter of not trusting you as much as I still love her.

    There is a thread about an organisation called MATCH (mothers away from their children). It may be worth having a search for that organisation, as it may give you a different perspective (albeit a lot of the match mums on here seem to have restricted access due to mental illness??? I haven't looked closely so may be mistaken)
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • Tinuel
    Tinuel Posts: 392 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 5 October 2009 at 1:35PM
    Dave101t wrote: »
    that is interesting, but women love to fuss around so if your family is mostly women then that is to be expected, but only to a small extent. have you told them that you are offended by their attitude? your the father, tell them all to get stuffed if you want, i would.
    what does your daughter think of your ability to look after her?

    ps, you say partner doesnt trust, not wife, is the child biologically yours because they can be funny about that...

    Hi, I say partner because we separated but are now trying to make it work again, but to me this is a stepback. Yes, the child is mine and she never had any complaints. Even my partner never had any worries as I can do pretty much anything, cook, clean, the usual chores. She is old enough to care for herself in terms of shower, brushing, loo, etc. And yes, she sees our daughter on the webcam and can see that she is well.

    But to tell me, that her mother and sister should be in charge of this and that is a bit too much. She always liked to control things and I think it boils down to a lack of control, being so far away.
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  • Tinuel
    Tinuel Posts: 392 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    whitewing wrote: »
    I remember your original thread.

    I think she is probably missing her daughter very much, and is desperate to be seen as 'looking out for her' and this is the only way she knows how. I seem to remember that you were separating, and she is probably very scared that you would get residency of the child. I should also imagine it's difficult to be a mum away from a child. By keeping her side of the family in close contact she is trying to emphasise that mum can still take care of girliness.

    I don't think it's a matter of not trusting you as much as I still love her.

    There is a thread about an organisation called MATCH (mothers away from their children). It may be worth having a search for that organisation, as it may give you a different perspective (albeit a lot of the match mums on here seem to have restricted access due to mental illness??? I haven't looked closely so may be mistaken)

    Hi whitewing,
    Yes we were separating, I moved out also, but we have been trying to make it work lately. Ok, I understand that she tries to have her family close by and I have no issues, but doesn't that create a situation when the family thinks they have the power and can decide? And she talks and sees our little one on the webcam every day...

    I just think it could remove my authority by saying, my mother is in charge of...
    Member 7 of 100 to 10k - £100 to £10k = £149
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    Yes, I agree with you on that. I understand why (I think) your partner is acting like that.

    I do agree that as your daughter is living with you, other family members don't need to be involved in anything other than how they were before your partner went away. It would irritate me deeply if someone was around 'checking up on me'. I think you are well within your rights to politely tell the relatives to back off.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • worriedsik
    worriedsik Posts: 873 Forumite
    Hi it sounds like your partner may be feeling a bit guilty at not being there for the child ? have you spoken to your partner in regards to this ?
    Maybee you should say to the family that you are offended/insulted or something & let them have the daughter overnight so they can pamper her if they want to
    Resolve not to be poor, Whatever you have , Spend less.
  • Zazen999
    Zazen999 Posts: 6,183 Forumite
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    Are you sure she's not just saying that so that your daughter can still have some female company.....after all you say it is implied...and often things that are implied are just down to interpretation.

    Having her mum and sister telling her that her daughter is ok and happy will make her happier being away from her. It's just another contact loop.
  • JBD
    JBD Posts: 3,069 Forumite
    This doesn't sound like an issue of trust to me. I think your partner is just missing your little girl and is just trying to maintain a 'feminine ' presence in her life through her own family members. It is similar to how a single Mum to a boy may encourage her male relatives to take an interest in her boy if his own Dad isn't around. It is important for little girls to have a little bit of girly time with her Mum or possibly other female relatives in the same way as it is for boys to have some 'boy' time with Dad [or other male relatives.] Please don't let this affect your relationship with your partner as this will only make your little girl unhappy in the long run. If she really didn't trust you with your child then she wouldn't have gone on this study course.
  • Tinuel
    Tinuel Posts: 392 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    Zazen999 wrote: »
    Are you sure she's not just saying that so that your daughter can still have some female company.....after all you say it is implied...and often things that are implied are just down to interpretation.

    Having her mum and sister telling her that her daughter is ok and happy will make her happier being away from her. It's just another contact loop.

    Hi Zazen,
    She implied at first but lately she just said it outright. I have no problems with Nan or auntie seeing her and they already do. I took her down to the grandmother's house yesterday and she spent the day. Last weekend she stayed overnight at her auntie, so I am very flexible and open. I do not want to cut contact and I think there should be contact.
    But to say that they should be in charge, to something as simple as washing her hair or buying jeans or turning up on weekdays to check how she went to school, if the uniform is properly ironed is a bit too much. And it could lead to them stepping up to other areas.

    I have no problems telling them I am offended, but prefer to avoid it as it could lead to family arguments. I have spoken to OH but it's not working...

    Do not mean to generalize but being honest, some women still don't believe that a man can care for a child as well as they do.
    Member 7 of 100 to 10k - £100 to £10k = £149
  • Tinuel
    Tinuel Posts: 392 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    JBD wrote: »
    This doesn't sound like an issue of trust to me. I think your partner is just missing your little girl and is just trying to maintain a 'feminine ' presence in her life through her own family members. It is similar to how a single Mum to a boy may encourage her male relatives to take an interest in her boy if his own Dad isn't around. It is important for little girls to have a little bit of girly time with her Mum or possibly other female relatives in the same way as it is for boys to have some 'boy' time with Dad [or other male relatives.] Please don't let this affect your relationship with your partner as this will only make your little girl unhappy in the long run. If she really didn't trust you with your child then she wouldn't have gone on this study course.

    Hi JBD,
    Ok, from the feedback here, maybe I am overreacting. I will analise and talk to her again. Maybe I took it the wrong way and she just wants a feminine presence around.
    Member 7 of 100 to 10k - £100 to £10k = £149
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