My best friends birthday......

GettingThere6417

Hi All, this is only a simple thing but I would be grateful for any ideas....

I and my OH have a lot of debt that we need to clear (£38k cards and loans, £7k student loan and £161k mortgage!!....£206k combined :eek:). We both earn reasonable amounts and have enough to pay all of our bills and some left afterwards to pay extra towards paying off the debt.

We both had our LBM about three months ago and since then I have drafted a budget (using the budget planner!!) to cover all of our bills, the extra on top that will be paid towards the bills and what spending money we have. I have given myself a budget of £100 per month which is for having a drink with friends, going to the cinema, any extra travel on top of commuting or to buy new clothes if needed. I like this budget as it is tight, challenging but also very achievable. It also brings the DFD the bit sooner. Everything else is towards the bills.

This month my OH’s parents are taking us away for the weekend (which is very nice of them as they are also paying) and I have budgeted what spending money we can have for that trip by putting money left over from the last two months (I have easily achieved to stay within my £100) towards it and some of this month’s budget.

However, last night my best friend invited me and loads of other people out for her birthday at the end of the month. Usually she gives me warning of this but this time she didn’t so I have not planned for it. I thought she may do something simple like go for a meal with her boyfriend but instead she is hiring a minibus (everyone has to pay £20 for travel in it), travelling to a main town about 30 miles away, and then we will have to pay fees to get into clubs and then buy drinks. In total this night will cost £80-100 for me and OH – that’s all of my budget for next month!!

I know that if I do not go then she will be very angry and upset with me as she has had a very hard time these past couple of years (loosing close family and suffering medical problems). She has been much better in the past few months and her birthday is something she is really looking forward to.

She knows that the weekend that she is planning this for is the only weekend I am free so I can’t think of an excuse not to go.

OH and I are very open with each other about what needs to be paid but I cannot tell her as it’s none of her business. Plus if I told her than I cannot afford to go she wouldn’t believe me, as OH and I earn nearly four times more than what her and her boyfriend do. She thinks I am rolling in money - but obviously I am not.

So I would appreciate any ideas for not going to her birthday thing.
And maybe any ways I can encourage her to just go for a (cheapish) meal with me instead?

Thanks!

misspoppy

Could you tell her you you've had such a busy month its taken it toll on you and you'd thought she was having a local do so you'll drive to the next town, and go for drinks but come home when they go to the clubs.

~BamNaggy~

I think you should be honest with her and tell her you really can't afford it. A true friend would understand.
Offer to take her our for a drink or a meal on an other evening.
If you really think she won't be happy at all, I would feign illness...(swine flu so you have to stay away from peeps) I am bad I know.

Good luck x x

dancingfairy

I would probably go with BamNaggy's main suggestion and tell her the truth and that you'd dearly love to come but can't afford it and try and arrange to go out for a cheap meal (with one of Martins voucher things ----> of course).
df

GettingThere6417

misspoppy - I guess I could drive...that's quite a good idea as my excuse for driving and then leaving when they go to the clubs is that I will be going to my parents for the rest of the evening as I am helping them with something the next morning (this town we're going to is on the way to my parents and I only get to see them about once a month cos it's quite far).

BamNaggy - Thanks but I don't think I can talk to her about it. I can talk to her about pretty much anything, but not this. I don't think it would be fair on OH as I would be annoyed if he told his friends about the mess we're in. If I just tell her about the mess that I am in, then she'd expect my OH to give me some money - which of course we both don't have any money.
I can't really say I am ill as she'll need payment for the minibus in advance so if I'm ill I will still loose the money. I do like the idea of offering to take her out for a meal - I could possible do this the night before whilst she is still looking forward to her big night out.

Thanks guys!

euronorris

I really think the best thing to do is to be honest. You don't have to give full details, just a brief explanation. Tell her that you and your OH have accumulated some debt and are therefore working towards a strict budget in order to clear it all. You don't have to mention amounts or anymore detail and she shouldn't need anymore info than that.

Then suggest a meal closer to home, just the two of you and make a fuss of her.

She shouldn't be upset by this then, as it is the truth. I've had friends do the same to me and it's fine. I'd rather they be honest as I don't want them to make their situation worse for the sake of a night out, it's silly. But, what I don't like is when someone lies to me about why they aren't coming as it is ALWAYS so obvious that they're lying or comes across as uncaring.

Honesty is the best policy, but I understand it isn't always easy.

GettingThere6417

Ok - Just an update - I have taken ideas from everyone's posts...

I took the plunge!!
I was honest but I did not say what type of mess I was in. Instead I explained what money I have had to pay out over the past couple of months (car insurance/tax and course fees) and told he of other expenses I have coming up in the next couple of months - all of this was true.

This I think is enough to justify why I do not have much money to spend. I explained that I do want to come but both I and OH just can't afford it right now.

I have asked her if she would would like to go out for a meal the night before she goes on her big night out - with any luck she'll see it as an extended birthday celebration!

I did say that I would have been willing to go out for drinks IF it had been a lot nearer (as then there would be no minibus and we could get vouchers out of the local paper for free entry into places). That would have been affordable.

I haven't heard back yet as the communications are via email. But I will give her a ring tonight to check things are ok.

Thanks everyone - I feel better now I have just told her the truth without making up stories. I just hope she is in a good mood when she reads it!

Thanks again.

dancingfairy

It's not like you are alone with this one - a lot of people are feeling the pinch at the moment. And being truthful is definitely the way to go - she might be disappointed but if she is a true friend she will understand and you have obviously made it clear that it is just a financial issue and that you are willing to go out somewhere nearer and cheaper.
Hope she reacts o.k - you never know -maybe she felt pressurised to have a big do by someone or thought that that was what she ought to do for some reason - you may find that she is also struggling but afraid to admit it.
df

GettingThere6417

Well dancingfairy, it's funny you should say:
"Hope she reacts o.k - you never know -maybe she felt pressurised to have a big do by someone or thought that that was what she ought to do for some reason - you may find that she is also struggling but afraid to admit it."

Only two weeks ago she couldn't come to dinner with me and a couple of other friends because she didn't have the money. The meal was arranged just for friends to meet up, it wasn't a special occasion so it didn't matter too much if she couldn't make it as there is always another time. The dinner wasn't expensive (obviously as I am saving my pennies!) and we have been there before. The total cost of the meal (as much as you want to eat, with a pudding and a drink) is £12.
It baffles me that now she wants to arrange this big night out when she couldn't afford £12 a couple of weeks ago. I only remembered this when I read your last comment.

I don't feel so bad for not going now as she should understand my situation looking at hers a couple of weeks ago.

I think she does struggle moneywise, but I don't think this is all her fault. She has had a lot of financial strain brought on her by her family over the past couple of years when one of them passed away. I have told her about this site (because I think it's great!) but she doesn't seem motivated to get something done about it - or get advice from lots of people. But that's another story....something that I am still very, very subtly encouraging her to do.

I'm now hoping she cancels the whole thing and just does something small for both of our sakes!

Thanks.

dancingfairy

Sometimes it's difficult to make the leap and ask for help - maybe she's not feeling strong enough yet. She's obviously had a hard time. I'm sure MSE will still be here when she feels like it.
df

gargrave50

Don't know if this helps - get her to register on the TJI Friday's website - they send you an email in advance of your birthday entitling you to champagne or free cocktails - it would be a nice little start to the night - and FREE! Hope you have a great night if you decide to go out for a meal