Mum needs help

emylou

I'm not sure if this is in the right forum but hopefully someone will be able to help.
I'm 26 and my Mum is 52, I have 4 siblings from 14-34.
My mum has been through lots (pregnant at 17, married at 18, her brother died aged 16, 1st husband died, me and one of my brothers have a heart condition so have both had heart ops, then her Dad died) My Mum is displaying signs of depression and alcoholism- she drinks daily- from the minute she gets up until she goes to bed, was originally just wine but now seems to be anything in the house (whisky, alcopops) driving is part of her job and we are all terrified she'll have an accident, my step-dad works hard and does lots around the house but he has commented in the past that if it wasnt for my younger sisters he'd be gone. I know my Mum is unhappy about her weight (she's a size 20) but she has bad knees so cant do any exercise so it's a nasty cycle cos she cant/wont/isnt motivated to lose weight yet she moans how fat she is.
I hate seeing her so unhappy but when I suggest gentle exercise she says she cant manage it, she's a nurse so she knows all the theory but doesnt put it into practice. Does anyone have any ideas???

Bossyboots

For the exercise, it might be worth her asking her GP to refer her to physiotherapy for advice on what exercises she can do. Our local hospital has a hydrotherapy pool where people in your mum's position can be started off on gentle exercises in the water. If there isn't a pool at your hospital, the physiotherapists should be able to instruct her in exercises she can do in a public pool. It is a vicious cycle, because the weight on her knees will be making them worse. Once she does start some exercise her mood will lift as it releases "happy hormones" and that in itself gives motivation but it does sound as though she needs a reason or support to get started.

I am amazed your mum has not been stopped for drink driving although she may now have such a tolerance for alcohol that outwardly it is not obvious. As well as an accident waiting to happen, her job is at risk from her being caught either by the police and/or her employer who would have grounds to dismiss her instantly.

Fran

emylou,

Sorry to hear you are in that situation, it must be difficult for you to see her in this condition and feel you can't do anything about it.

Would she consider counselling?

pickle

I think Al-anon (or whatever they're called) have a family group. Maybe other people going through the same experience with their relatives will be able to give you suggestions. The alcohol could be causing the depression or the alcohol might be used as self-medication because she has depression. Is your local doctor any good? Maybe a chat to them might help. As for the weight problem I think that's the least of the worries, better to worry about that last of all.

emylou

Thank you for your replies, with regards to the counselling- I know she went a few years ago (this has been getting worse for years!) but apparently there were certain things she wouldn't talk about (not sure what) so the counsellor said there was no more they could do for her. I will look into the phsyio side of things though

Dora_the_Explorer_5

It sounds like your mum has a serious alcohol problem, would it be possible for her husband to talk to their GP as it must be effecting him quite significantly. There's lots of NHS help available for people who have a 'dual diagnosis' of depression and substance misuse, and your mum as a nurse will be aware of this and not taking advantage of it.

Fran

pickle wrote:

I think Al-anon (or whatever they're called) have a family group.

Alanon.

Is your local doctor any good? Maybe a chat to them might help. As for the weight problem I think that's the least of the worries, better to worry about that last of all.[/QUOTE]The doctor won't advise re mother because of patient confidentiality, but it could be a useful way of letting him/her know what's going on with her.

I slightly disagree about the weight in that if that is the first thing that she could manage to improve then the other things might follow.

Bossyboots

Fran wrote:

Alanon.

Is your local doctor any good? Maybe a chat to them might help. As for the weight problem I think that's the least of the worries, better to worry about that last of all.

The doctor won't advise re mother because of patient confidentiality, but it could be a useful way of letting him/her know what's going on with her.

I slightly disagree about the weight in that if that is the first thing that she could manage to improve then the other things might follow. [/QUOTE]


Sorry Fran but I have to disagree. As someone with a weight problem I can assure you that this can send you into a downward spiral if you are not happy with your size. Unfortunately in this case, the use of alcohol will exacerbate the situation because of the excessive calorific value. Feeling good about yourself is a good place to start with addressing other problems. The achievement of weight loss is also a spark to ignite interest in other things again, thus breaking the depressive cycle which starts with a drink to make you feel good but contributes to something that makes you feel bad. Its not an easy road nor one with a quick fix but addressing a deep seated dislike about yourself is very important.

margaretclare

Fran wrote:

I slightly disagree about the weight in that if that is the first thing that she could manage to improve then the other things might follow.

I disagree more than slightly!! I'm size 20 as well, have had both hips replaced, one been revised twice, second time was last December so I've been fairly inactive for some time. Just been for a nice walk in the woods to see the bluebells while they're still there, am managing to walk a bit further each time, moved a compost-heap yesterday - couldn't have done that a few months ago!! Walking is the best exercise of all, and the cheapest.

If your Mum has 'bad knees' how is she managing to work as a nurse? And if her job involves driving, how does she manage this if she drinks from morning to night?? Isn't she a danger to herself, her patients and other road-users?

If she could do something positive about her weight then her self-esteem might improve along with her self-image. Don't imagine that I'm unsympathetic - I've been widowed and redundant at the same time, lost a daughter aged 39 to an undiagnosed heart condition, had a difficult childhood due to illegitimacy and poverty....Stuff happens!

Try to get your Mum to go out for a little walk. Everywhere is lovely in May. That could be a start.

Best wishes

Margaret Clare

Bossyboots

Those are the words I was struggling for Aunty Margaret, self esteem and self image.

Its hard to get started on the trail of finding even one of those when you are low already and not everyone can pick themselves readily or have not learned the life skills to do so.

This lady's weight is clearly an issue for her but it is something she can do something about and hopefully the rest will eventually follow. She needs the encouragement to get started and the professional help to remain safe while she does so. The right motivational trigger is what is needed here and that trigger is not expecting her to pick herself up and dust herself down. That actually lowers self esteem and makes the problem worse.

twink

i agree with you bossyboots about the lady needing encouragement and a motivational trigger once you are down in a hole its very difficult to see a way out yourself but she has to want a way out before anyone can help