your thoughts please, my sons mother

Amanda65

Hiya

I read a thread from you a month or so a go regarding your concerns with your son being around your ex's partner. It is so sad for your little boy that this is still going on - did you take any action as a result of the advice you were given then ? Has the situation got worse? Are you in a position to care for your son full time, assuming of course that it is what your son wants and that the court would allow it?

I am speaking as someone who has no experience of the family court but am a mother and feel so sorry that your little boy is in this situation.

With regard to the telephone call, I think it depends where his mother has gone and whether or not she said she would phoen every day / two days / week. He may just have been quiet after her call because he's missing her. Whether or not you consider her to be a good mum (and without hearing both sides I cannot say whether she is or isn't) she is still his mummy and at 8 I expect he feels a bit sad that she's not there

tizhimi

Aww, you sound like a really caring father, I hope the mother sees sense and ditches the BF and starts being a mum again!

floss2

mikeouk wrote: »

my 8yo son is with me alot of the time now, usually 3 or 4 nights a week.....

.......she expects me to pay full maintenance...

Have you calculated whether you are paying the right amount, or maybe too much? If he is with you 3 or 4 nights a week to me that would be getting near to shared care.

Have a look at this

chriszzz

springclean wrote: »

is it just me, or can i sense a sharp tone against the OP here from a few posters?

I'm a woman (so don't jump to any conclusions), but i have to wonder if the OP would have been better 'heard' if he had been the mother and was worried about how son's dad's life was affecting him.

Yes I too felt a sharp tone against the OP!!


mikeouk your thoughts please, my sons mother

I applaud you for spending so much time with your son. The fact your having him 3-4 nights a week seems to me that your spending the most quality time with him.

As for your ex going on two holidays with her BF, I don't agree with the posters who thinks its ok, maybe one holiday but certainly not two.

Your son seems to be the one missing out on the holidays, I find that quite sad!!

I would always keep the lines of communication open with your son. Could you not talk to the mother and explain the effects its having on your son and if that fails I wouldn't but hesitate to seek legal advice.

PrincessPlaty

Somebody please correct me if im wrong but when a domestic violence incident occurs and the police are called, they automatically take the names and dob's of any children either party have.
This information is then used to as a referral to social services as the child could potentially be at risk from the domestic violence himself.

This really shouldnt have anything to do with how many holidays she takes, how often she has rang him, contact agreements, maintenance or anything else.

If your son is being affected by domestic violence which his mother is exposing him too then why the hell are you posting on an internet forum and not on the phone to social services as you claim to be concerned over the welfare of your child?

Sorry to sound harsh but i wish from the bottom of my heart that when my ex was beating the crap out of me that somebody had of reported it to someone maybe if they had i would have got out of the situation i was in a lot faster than i did.

amandada

PrincessPlaty wrote: »

Somebody please correct me if im wrong but when a domestic violence incident occurs and the police are called, they automatically take the names and dob's of any children either party have.
This information is then used to as a referral to social services as the child could potentially be at risk from the domestic violence himself.

Yes your thinking is correct, there should automatically be a "child concern" report made to social services

The OP could possible speak to his local force's domestic violence officer-not because he's at risk from it, but because it sounds like his son is (I don't mean at risk of being assaulted, witnessing it's bad enough)

FairyElephant_2

OP - I completely agree with you - I think it is very wrong, though sadly not unusual - and that you definitely should be concerned about the effect the situation with the mum's BF is having, even if not directed towards him personally.

My DH's Ex did/does very similar re the holidays (they go away 3 or 4 times a year without the kids, and at first would not even tell us where they were going or give us contact numbers - we used to be told that her mum had all the details if anything went wrong with the kids!!!!), although her husband is not violent (as far as we know), he gets drunk often and is verbally abusive.
We did not realise the full extent of this until recently (apparantly it has got even worse recently) when his 18yo son has felt it necessary to leave home due to his stepfather's drunken rages. We are now taking advice on what to do about the other children (14 & 16 yo's), so in a way in a similar position to you.

Anyhow, enough of our probs. I second other posters who have suggested that you get independant advice on how this may be affecting your son. I would also def. be speaking to his school about this.
Also, I would guess that you are on CSA2, and in this case if you have your son for more than 52 nights per year, which it sounds like you do, then you are entitled to reduced payments to reflect the fact that you are supporting him when he stays with you.

I applaud you as a caring father, and hope you get the situation sorted soon in the best way for your son.

Good luck!

mikeouk

thanks for all the positive advice and support.
regarding the police and referring it to ss, i was under the impression they only do this if the child is there at the time of the incident, my son was with me when the bf was arrested.I certainly havent heard anything from them as yet.
regarding maintenance, i dont pay through the csa now, we agreed on an amount after she went to csa and the assessment came back at less than i was already paying her.Ive told her im going to reduce it, but im starting to think i shouldnt be paying her anything due to the amount of time i have my son.

I guess im just using this forum to vent a little and get unbiased opinions because i was feeling like maybe i was blowing this out of proportion.
I would love to have full custody and i was on the verge of going for it but i held back after she promised not to have the bf there while my son is there, so far shes stuck to that but its only been a few weeks since she agreed to that ,so things could change.I just want my son to be happy and im very retisent in starting a custody war, because i know thats what it would turn into.


Regarding holidays, im planning on taking him to florida over the xmas holidays if i can get reasonable priced flights, my sister lives there so it would be a great family get together. My ex agreed to this finally, so hopefully i can make it happen.