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your thoughts please, my sons mother
mikeouk
Posts: 534 Forumite
my 8yo son is with me alot of the time now, usually 3 or 4 nights a week. He has grown to dislike his mums bf due to there having been many arguments and domestic violence between his mum and the bf (my son hasnt witnessed this but is aware of it). She is on holiday at the moment, she went last wednesday and has only rang my son once which was last night, after he'd spoken to her he went very quiet and wouldnt tell me what was wrong so I didnt push him. My personal opinion of her is that shes incedably selfish and puts her relationship before my sons feelings, i cant do anything about that but i just feel so sorry for him. He likes being with me and I think deep down he would rather live with me but he loves his mum.
I just wondered if other people think it is wrong for a mother to leave their child to go on holiday and not contact them for over 5 days? this is the second holiday shes had this year, she expects me to pay full maintenance and she thinks shes a perfect mother. Shes always been a nightmare but im starting to wonder if she actualy cares about my sons feelings.
I just wondered if other people think it is wrong for a mother to leave their child to go on holiday and not contact them for over 5 days? this is the second holiday shes had this year, she expects me to pay full maintenance and she thinks shes a perfect mother. Shes always been a nightmare but im starting to wonder if she actualy cares about my sons feelings.
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Comments
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Do you ever go on holiday without him? How long for?
If so, how often do you call him?
Yes - of course personally I think it's wrong. But then again, I'm not in a similar position as all my children live with their two parents and we go everywhere together as a family.
You need to talk with your son and find out how he's coping. Does he get on with the boyfriend? How do you know about the domestic violence?"One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
If you are that concerned take her to court for custody.
What else do you want people to say as we are only getting your side of the story.0 -
advent1122 wrote: »If you are that concerned take her to court for custody.
What else do you want people to say as we are only getting your side of the story.
this is helpful:rolleyes:, you obviously have no experiance of family court.0 -
my 8yo son is with me alot of the time now, usually 3 or 4 nights a week. He has grown to dislike his mums bf due to there having been many arguments and domestic violence between his mum and the bf (my son hasnt witnessed this but is aware of it). She is on holiday at the moment, she went last wednesday and has only rang my son once which was last night, after he'd spoken to her he went very quiet and wouldnt tell me what was wrong so I didnt push him. My personal opinion of her is that shes incedably selfish and puts her relationship before my sons feelings, i cant do anything about that but i just feel so sorry for him. He likes being with me and I think deep down he would rather live with me but he loves his mum.
I just wondered if other people think it is wrong for a mother to leave their child to go on holiday and not contact them for over 5 days? this is the second holiday shes had this year, she expects me to pay full maintenance and she thinks shes a perfect mother. Shes always been a nightmare but im starting to wonder if she actualy cares about my sons feelings.
How do you mean aware of the violence? - has he heard it? - been told about it? - this would concern me more than going on the holidays.
You say she's always been a nightmare - in what way?0 -
Do you ever go on holiday without him? How long for?
If so, how often do you call him?
Yes - of course personally I think it's wrong. But then again, I'm not in a similar position as all my children live with their two parents and we go everywhere together as a family.
You need to talk with your son and find out how he's coping. Does he get on with the boyfriend? How do you know about the domestic violence?
yes i go on holiday without him but thats because she wont let me take him out of the country, when ive been away ive rang him at least every couple of days.
he dislikes the bf, hes heard many verbal arguments. I know about the violence because they regularly split up because of it, the police have been involved on at least one occasion i know of and the bf was arrested but she dropped the charges.
im just concerned whats going on in my sons head and if this will effect him.0 -
galvanizersbaby wrote: »How do you mean aware of the violence? - has he heard it? - been told about it? - this would concern me more than going on the holidays.
You say she's always been a nightmare - in what way?
hes heard and seen arguments and knows about the violence. I told her she cant have her bf there when my son is there and she agreed to this because i said id go to social services if she didnt agree to it.
nightmare = obstructive with access, denying access, using csa to try to get more money from me even though ive always paid her maintenance, getting drunk infront of my son, fighting with her family in front of my son, multiple relationships, lying to my son, i could go on.0 -
yes i go on holiday without him but thats because she wont let me take him out of the country, when ive been away ive rang him at least every couple of days.
he dislikes the bf, hes heard many verbal arguments. I know about the violence because they regularly split up because of it, the police have been involved on at least one occasion i know of and the bf was arrested but she dropped the charges.
im just concerned whats going on in my sons head and if this will effect him.
Well of course it will affect him.
An eight year old is going to be picking up on everything that he sees and hears. Have you spoken with a solicitor about this? It's not something that's going to happen overnight.
I guess something else you can do is see him more often, take on more responsibilty etc. if she really couldn't care less and wants him out the way, then it shouldn't be that hard.
My comment about the holidays was that you can't slag her off for it when you're doing it yourself. If you can't leave the country with him, then take him on UK holidays. It's just what you have to do - not so much sun, but you can still have excellent holidays together.
If she's dumping him when it's all too inconvenient, then as a father, you just have to make sure that you are picking it all up.
Speak with a good solicitor and go through your options........at least you'll be dealing with realistic expentations then. It's best if it's all done amicably - if there is maintenance money involved, I don't know how far you'll get.............(just being honest here)"One day I realised that when you are lying in your grave, it's no good saying, "I was too shy, too frightened."
Because by then you've blown your chances. That's it."0 -
Have you spoken to your DS school about your concerns for him and the effects of his mother being in a domesticly violent relationship. There sole concern is your boy and maybe be able to give you a more balanced picture of how his home life is effecting him.
As your DS is 8 he probably has a fair feeling for what he wants to do, does he think being with his mum will keep her safe? what are his feelings on the matter?
As for only phoning him once whilst on holiday if her bf is there and is as controling as most DVM he may not have allowed her too.
I have another odd idea how about phoning up one of the womens domestic violence helplines have a chat to them about what you believe is happening to your ex and your concerns for your boy and see if that gives you a better insight they may have some other ideas on how you can help them both.
I think this is as much about helping her realise that she in an unhealthy relationship and hows is effecting your DS, as at the end of the day your DS does need his mother, even if he ends up living with you.
Listen to your son and support him in what he wants and where he wants to be, but make sure he nows what ever happens there is always a place with you for him.0 -
is it just me, or can i sense a sharp tone against the OP here from a few posters?
I'm a woman (so don't jump to any conclusions), but i have to wonder if the OP would have been better 'heard' if he had been the mother and was worried about how son's dad's life was affecting him.0 -
I was just about to post the same thing.springclean wrote: »is it just me, or can i sense a sharp tone against the OP here from a few posters?
I'm a woman (so don't jump to any conclusions), but i have to wonder if the OP would have been better 'heard' if he had been the mother and was worried about how son's dad's life was affecting him.
OP you sound like a wonderful caring father and I can totally understand why you are concerned for your sons welfare. As has been said already by other posters at this point I think the best you can do is let your son know he can talk to you about anything that is upsetting or worrying him and possibly go and speak to an solicitor about the situation.0
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