Should we help pay for the wedding?

notakid

When I got married 16 years ago my parents paid for the wedding. My husband and I saved and paid for a desposit on a house which my husband lived in until I joined him after we were married. My sister got married 5 years ago they borrowed 4,000 off my mom and dad for a desposit on a house which they both lived in for a year before having a more low key wedding than me (my sisters choice) and my parents wrote off the loan as my sister and her husband paid for the wedding themselves.
Its horses for courses, as a previous poster has said, things have changed so much no one holds to the "old" idea of the parents of the bride paying for everything. Have you thought as well that your daughter in laws parents may feel uncomferable about you giving the couple such a large amount of money and feel that its now their turn to offer to help?

miaxmia

Thanks for all your replies - I think maybe I am living in the dark ages, as I thought it was tradition for parents to pay for weddings (used to be the bride's, but I thought that it might now be 50/50), unless of course it was a second marriage. All of your replies are very helpful and I feel now that I am more up-to-date with how it is these days. I think in the light of the comments, I will accept that we have "done our bit".

VickyA_2

miaxmia wrote:

Thanks for all your replies - I think maybe I am living in the dark ages, as I thought it was tradition for parents to pay for weddings (used to be the bride's, but I thought that it might now be 50/50), unless of course it was a second marriage.

Definitely not in the weddings that I've been to recently:

Two have been paid for by the bride and groom themselves.
Another was paid for by the bride, groom and bride's parents.
The other 5 or so have all been paid for by the bride's parents.

No mention of the grooms' parents in there at all.............. Obviously this is just a sample of the ones that I've been to. My OH's parents are giving us a small donation for a deposit on a house, and we're saving up for the rest.

Ellie2758

I agree with Poppy and Jay-Jay. Plus I have to say, what a ridiculous amount of money to expect you to find to attend the wedding. I cant believe how thoughtless people can be these days (okay, I can). Does anybody ever think of anyone other than themselves?

You have definitely done your bit and should feel no guilt whatsoever.

meerustar

I got married in July last year, a fantastic day and it cost us £500.

We had a week in a caravan booked in Wales already for all the family to go on. We later decided that we should get married whilst on holiday (We were in North Wales)

We have been together 15 years, have 2 kids and decided that it was about time we got wed.

There was one slot available when we were away (July 14th, 12pm) and so we booked it ... with just 5 weeks til the holiday.

I bought a nice dress from M&S for £40
Hubby and 2 hired suits with cravats and all the bits £200
Flowers for guests £40
Meal for 16 in a fantastic pub/restaraunt £86
Rings £50 the pair (Index were shutting down and we got 75% off)
And bit of confetti and stuff, total less than £500

And what a great day it was. We never sctually invited anyone, we just told everyone we were getting married in Wales and if they wanted to come they could and if not then that was fine too (We live in Manchester, so we were only an hour or so away). Turns out our immediate family came and just our very closest freinds. We had brilliant weather, excellent food and best of all we were man and wife.

I can't understand why people pay so much ... yes, I suppose it is nice, but it's ONE DAY, why spent fortunes for a single day??? I don't get it.

Anyway, back to the OP, I think that they should have concentrated on paying you back or at least made a start before even 'thinking' about getting married. You say you feel guilty, but if I was planning a wedding abroad whilst owing a family member 10k I'd be ashamed and scared to even mention it. I know her family might be paying but still I would be very annoyed ... especially as it's also costing you to go and watch it.

I would have a very serious word with the pair of them about paying you back... even £20 a week is a bloody start, at least it shows willing.

Anyway, whatever happens, don't feel guilty and keep your hands in your pocket, you've done your bit. Have a nice holiday!

kjh_gemini

We got married approx 2yrs ago and paid for nearly everything ourselves. My mum paid for our cake (which I didn't want her to, as she doesn't have much money to spare - but she insisted). My Dad (who has plenty of money gave us £200) and my now Mother In Law presented us with a cheque for £2500 on the day - this was very much appreciated and totally unexpected.

I've read the thread and agree with the general feeling of most people here. The way I see it, financially you have more than contributed to your son and future DIL's relationship already. They are also lucky to have your DIL's parents who are paying for the wedding. Perhaps if you had not lent the deposit to them, then I could go understand you wanting to contribute. (OH has just popped in to ask what I'm reading, and he agrees too).

It's nice to have the big wedding and all the trimmings, but if there is not enough cash to go round, then is it worth it in the end, when the money could be put to good use elsewhere? (I'm thinking about the party they want when they get back)

If you really feel that you want to do something, (and I'm not for one minute suggesting you should) why not buy them something for their home? You mentioned earlier that they have mainly second hand stuff. Something that will always remind them of the wedding, and that it was a gift from you? For example, we had a lovely gift of a Royal Doulton picture frame, that now holds a picture of us on our big day.

Oh, and one last thing, as previously said.....get them to start paying back what they owe you, no matter how small the payment are.

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit, HTH

Penny-Pincher!!

I would just like to say that I think your son and DIL are very lucky to have you:D

Personally I think you shouldnt be feeling guilty as you have already helped them out with a 10k interest free loan....which you havent got back yet.

I understand that they have worked hard, struggled, dont have luxuries and have kids but that is life! If that is the case, I dont fully understand them wanting to pay so much on a wedding especially when they already have a home and kids...are they not putting more financial stress on their own situation and family?

It is appears lovely having a big wedding etc, but it is just for one day.

Please dont feel guilty, you have done much more than many parents would of done and like I say, they are lucky to have someone like you as a parent!

Hugs
PP
xx

r.mac_2

hi there - just wanted to add my thoughts.

Firstly, you have been very generous with your loan. My parents have done something similar for me. I bought a flat (I live alone) and was prepared to fund it all myself. However, at the last minute my parents gave me £15k helping me secure my dream flat. This is a LOAN. the deal we made was that it was an investment in my property. I will repay the original amount back when i sell with a proportionate percentage of any increase in value in the flat.

I am not in a position to be thinking of weddings at the moment (in a very new relationship at the moment - wouldn't want to scare him off ) However, If i do get married I will not be expecting my parents to pay for it.

£5-6 k is a huge amoungt to expect you to pay just to attend the wedding. I think that that is more than enough. As others have said, if you feel that guilty make a token gesture and offer to pay for the cake or something else. TBH - if i do ever get married, I would love it if my mother made my cake for me. That would just make it extra special, probably save money - and she makes amazing fruit cake!!

Tondella

just thought I'd chip in. We're paying for the majority of our own wedding: my mother (mother of the bride) is paying for the food at the reception (but not drink), my dress and has lately offered to pay for me and my bridesmaid to have bouquets. My mother-in-law to be is paying for the photography, which will come in at £900

Becles

Tondella wrote:

My mother-in-law to be is paying for the photography, which will come in at £900

Just being nosey and wondering what you are getting for £900?

I paid £175 for 20 10x8" enlargements in an album, and all the pictures he took on a CD-ROM. There were 113 pictures altogether. The photographer took pictures at the wedding ceremony venue, then travelled to the reception hotel and took pictures in their gardens.

You might save some money if you shop around.