Help me get close to my future mother in law?

Jay83

Ive been with my partner for a year and a half and even though he lives with his mum still and i see him everyday i dont really speak to his mum much if at all during this time. I just always get the impression she doesnt likes me (because im overweight and am very insecure) anyway i spoke to him again about it last night and he said i was being ridiculous and that she hasnt said anything to him. But he did say how can she like or dislike you when you dont ever speak to her. I sort of felt really bad about this now. I cant help it that im not confident in myself and i find it hard befriending new people. Anyway i want her to like me but dont know how to go about doing it. We dont really spend time in the living room, we are always just watching tv or films in his room. And his mum spends most of her time in her room too. Im so not like this with my parents and hate im like this with his mum. What can i do?

Paparika

Take some flowers with you next time you go over and give them to her, don't need to be expensive, it's the thought that counts.

**confuzzled**

If future MIL is watching tv downstairs tell your OH that you'd rather sit with his mum watching tv rather than holed up in his room,from there you can make comments about what you're watching;) also try and get your OH to invite you round for dinner, assuming he has meals at home with his mum.
Start off easy with general questions to her when you go round, like hows your day been? Busy day at work? or a simple how are you? You'll gain confidence with her from there and will eventually have a full blown conversation and if that doesn't happen then at least you've made an effort:)
I'm not very confident meeting new people either and assume everyone hates me form the word go, however I've found that if I make the initial contact it's not as scary coz I'm the one taking contol of the situation IYSWIM if someone asks me something before I get in there first I kinda panic and I swear I'm quiet for ages before I answer, DH tells me it's only a few secs but seems like a lifetime to me:o:o

HTH and Good Luck:) x

sarymclary

Perhaps you could make the effort, perhaps initially as a couple as you are shy, to spend some time with your OH's mum. Just having a cup of tea together, before you go off to watch a movie, or you bring a takeaway home with you and offer to share it with her. The best way to get to know someone is to ask about their experiences. A good way of breaking the ice is to seek her advice about something. It would make her feel good that you thought to ask her what she thought, or that you valued her wisdom and advice. It could be something simple like a recipe, how to get a stain out of a favourite item of clothing, what colour you should wear with a new pair of trousers, does this new lipstick suit my skintone, or something similar. Showing that you care, and value someone is a sure fire way to create a positive relationship.

Have you considered that she might be a bit shy too, hence there's not been a great deal of interaction, or has she just been very sympathetic to your shyness? Shyness can seem like a huge mountain to overcome, but little steps will help you to grow in confidence. It can be easy to beat ourselves up, and lacking self-esteem seems to have made you jump to the conclusion that she has judged you on your appearance.

I had a schoolfriend who was painfully shy, and wouldn't say hello to my parents even when they said hello to her. They misunderstood her silence as being insolent, and rude, whereas I knew that she was just rigid with fear at having to speak to them. In the end my parents asked me to get her to either not come to our house anymore, or to 'change her attitude'. It made a huge issue out of nothing. All she needed to say was 'hi', and that was an end to it, and she did.

The only way you are going to forge a friendship is to make the time to get to know one another. The fact that she has given you and your boyfriend the space and time in her house, without pushing you for more, speaks volumes about how nice she sounds to be.

I bet once you make a start to talk to one another, your BF is going to regret it... you'll be having a natter while he's sat in his room waiting to watch the movie!

Pee

Flowers are a nice idea.

Start small. Is there anything that you can talk to her about? Does she have a cat? Could you make some conversation about that, or about her bad hips or if you were watching a film that she might enjoy, could you suggest watching it downstairs? is there anything you might have in common i.e. do you both like Eastenders and your OH hates it, if so you could watch that with her or ask her for updates when you miss it.

Did she have a good day at work/ in the garden? Try to get her to talk about herself and be interested. You sound like a lovely daughter in law, albeit your shyness may come across as aloofness/ you being a bit stuck up, so it's def good to work on it.

Can you think of something nice to do for her next birthday?

tori.k

if you can afford it why not go out for a cheap meal, Its was hard with my MIL at first, i suggested we all went for a meal (neutral ground) i thinked it helped her see she was included in our lives.( and i wasnt stealing her son from her...lol)
She may feel she doesnt want to intrude on you and your OH, maybe when your round theirs offer to put the kettle on and ask if she's had a good day.... before you know it your be back on here posting "MIL never shuts up"..lol

morocha

Good answers there ! I love my MIL, she is like my mum, at the start when I met her the first time, I was just chatty, trying to get on with her, I am shy but when the other person seems to be nice, it's a big help. I would talk about anything, just to try to make conversation, funny I said this cos in general when I meet new people I am really shy and do not know what to say, unless i start talking first and kinda feel I am in control.

pinkshoes

Flowers always work! Just give them to her and say it's to thank her for putting up with the two of you being around the house so often.

Or if your OH has a birthday coming up (or christmas), then why not ask her if she can think of anything he'd like as you want to surprise him?

Or why don't you and your OH cook for her?

Marcheline

I agree with the advice to not go up to his room to watch films, especially if his mum is alone downstairs and you feel like you don't know her yet. 18 months is a long time to be carrying on like this and his mum probably feels the same way, but doesn't know how to befriend you either. Just say to your bf next time you're round there that you're not happy about staying upstairs and that you'd like to ask his mum to watch the film with you both. I would also help her with the tea if she cooks while you're round.

I had an ex, who if he had his own way would have said 'hi' to his mum and then we'd have cleared off upstairs together. I felt this was the height of rudeness and set about teaching him better manners. All 3 of us would eventually watch the TV and eat together and I would help make the tea and clear up too. She was so gutted when I broke up with him. You don't have to be in each other's pockets all the time, but just enough so that you get to know each other.

tandraig

my MIL absolutely loved being asked for advice!!! whether it was about my OHs favourite meal and how to cook it or best way to clean something......really broke the ice with her and she became a very very good MIL.

tandraig

of course i never actually TOOK her advice - but she didnt know that!!!!