Adult son- financial problems

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I cannot afford to give my youngest son the same amount, (not tnat he needs it), but I have always treated them the same, and I feel it is unfair he should be penalised for his brother's ineptitude

I hope I haven't misunderstood: you've bailed him out many times and now to the tune of £10k and you've also been making the payments on a £20k loan you took out for him? Does this mean that he's got through £30k because he's living beyond his means? If he has, that's a substantial amount of money by any measure. Although your OH leaves everything to you do they know the full extent of the finanacial mess? Has he discussed things with your son?
Does your youngest son know exactly how much cash your eldest has had from you to bail him out? He may be laid back now about £10k, but it sounds like the full total is much more than this and he may feel differently about a very much larger amount.

I'mcomingbackasaman

If your eldest son is anything like my son, he will offer to pay but you will be low down in the paying order and possibly payments will be hit and miss at times but I'd stick to your guns about making him pay the loan back. I'm all for money saving but getting money from my parents and not paying it back is tantramount to disrespect to say the least.

In my opinion your son's big enough to manage his own finances, and if he's so strapped for cash in future he could always ask his wife to work at least part time to increase their income if she doesn't work already.

It's difficult when you simply want your children to be happy to know how to handle some situations at times.

SparkyG

starlite wrote:

don't forget the £10'000 you potentially give as 'extra' to the other son is subject to inheritance tax..
hmm..a minefield there..if this son doesnt pay it back you don't pay it..but the other son loses by you paying that tax..

bad family rifts can happen over money..I don't know your full situation..but i'd advise you to talk to him about this..

Hmmm, hadn't considered the inheritance tax issue.:eek:

Very keen to avoid any family rifts, and everything is out in the open and up for discussion with both sons. Eldest irresponsible son is in no doubt that I am furious with him :mad: He is very sorry that he has got his family in this mess, and has had to eat humble pie big time. He is truly grateful for the help we have given him, but only time will tell if he has taken it on board. He knows we have reached the end of the line financially with him :rolleyes:

:beer:

SparkyG

mountainofdebt wrote:

would be to have a savings account opened in the name of the younger son into which the elder son paid money until the balance reached £5K.

hey, like that idea :beer: That would really teach him a lesson, having to 'give' money to his younger more financially successful brother!;)

Hmm, on the other hand could cause trouble, a bit like taking his new toy away and letting his brother play with it???? :rolleyes:

Kids, who'd have them :mad:

I'mcomingbackasaman

Sounds like your younger son could give his older brother some tips on how to stay out of the red if your eldest is willing to listen.

SparkyG

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

I hope I haven't misunderstood: you've bailed him out many times and now to the tune of £10k and you've also been making the payments on a £20k loan you took out for him? Does this mean that he's got through £30k because he's living beyond his means? If he has, that's a substantial amount of money by any measure. Although your OH leaves everything to you do they know the full extent of the finanacial mess? Has he discussed things with your son?
Does your youngest son know exactly how much cash your eldest has had from you to bail him out? He may be laid back now about £10k, but it sounds like the full total is much more than this and he may feel differently about a very much larger amount.

No, I'm afraid you haven't misunderstood at all. That is the correct version of this sorry situation. As I've said, the ONLY reason we bailed him out was for the sake of the children and his wife. While it would have 'taught him a lesson' to let him get on with it, there was a real danger of them being homeless and the family splitting up. Yes, that would have served him right, but at what cost to those poor innocent little children? His wife while very mad at him, wants to stay with him, but there is a limit to how much she is prepared to suffer for his stupidity. She is a brilliant wife and mother, and her only 'crime' in all this was her naivety in accepting what my very plausible son had told her about their financial affairs.

Yes, my husband and younger son do know the full extent of the problem. My husband has 'had words' with eldest son, but ultimately I am the (rather inept) financial advisor and they all generally go along with what I suggest.

:beer: I appreciate all angles on this topic

SparkyG

I'mcomingbackasaman wrote:

Sounds like your younger son could give his older brother some tips on how to stay out of the red if your eldest is willing to listen.

He does! Older brother listens politely, slaps him on the back and carries on as usual :mad:

I'm very keen to keep the dialogue going though, AND keep everything out in the open. :rolleyes:

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Sparky, it really is a mess isn't it. If everyone has been having words with him and they've been like water off a duck's back, then perhaps it's time for other strategies? If you've made it plain to your son you've bailed him out for the sake of the kids, I can't see anything that will stop him from continuing to be !!!!less about money as you may well do it again in the future for the sake of the kids. It sounds like there haven't actually been any consequences for him, other than him having to tolerate what family members say to him.
If you want him to learn how to manage finances a bit better, for the sake of the kids and his wife who no doubt are going without things already, you could insist he has debt counselling sessions - not just a quick chat with someone but a program of 12-24 sessions because at the moment he isn't learning well by experience. Good luck with your difficulties, it's a tough call. My lawyer cousin has always told me it's easy to cheat family members because they never expect it.

SparkyG

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

Sparky, it really is a mess isn't it. If everyone has been having words with him and they've been like water off a duck's back, then perhaps it's time for other strategies? If you've made it plain to your son you've bailed him out for the sake of the kids, I can't see anything that will stop him from continuing to be !!!!less about money as you may well do it again in the future for the sake of the kids. It sounds like there haven't actually been any consequences for him, other than him having to tolerate what family members say to him.
If you want him to learn how to manage finances a bit better, for the sake of the kids and his wife who no doubt are going without things already, you could insist he has debt counselling sessions - not just a quick chat with someone but a program of 12-24 sessions because at the moment he isn't learning well by experience. Good luck with your difficulties, it's a tough call. My lawyer cousin has always told me it's easy to cheat family members because they never expect it.

Thank you, that is a good suggestion. I'm afraid that while my eldest son is a lovely boy and we all love him dearly, advice on any topic, is like water off a duck's back! :mad: He has been like this since he was born; teachers despaired of him, but he charmed them all :rolleyes: Everytime we think he has 'learned by experience' something else pops up to surprise us. Luckily for everyone he does have lots of redeeming features: loyal husband and father, hard worker, polite, friendly etc If only he'd listen to advice *sigh*

Debt counselling sessions sound good :T

smartiepants

SparkyG,

The consequence of whatever you do, may have a direct effect on the future decisions your son makes in his life, which in turn will affect your grandchildren and thier mother, so, for the sake of them, think long and hard about your decision, if he is not prepared to listen to advice then you need to take another tack, something that is going to make him realize the consequences of his actions, and I think the suggestion above of taking a further £5000 loan and giving it to brother may well do that, I know that it will be hard to actually ask him to do this, but in my honest opinion it is being cruel to be kind, think of your grandchildrens future if he keeps going on like this, it will be very difficult for them. Please don't take offence at these comments, but I think you are going to have to be strong now to minimise something like this happening again in the future.

Good luck xxxx