ex boyfriend problems

jak

Im posting this on behalf of a friend. She and her boyfriend split up and they've got 2 children. He has a new girlfriend and when the children stay with him and his new girlfriend they are not very nice to them.
The new girlfriend smokes in the house in front of the kids, they put them to bed with a dvd not a story and make them stay in bed till 8am even tho the children wake up earlier. They are 2 and 7. They are not allowed a drink or the toilet or anything.
She is upset because she is a good mum and doesnt want her kids raised like that.
Does anyone have any ideas about what she can do? He has them 2 nights a week and she is really concerned for their wellbeing.
Thanks for any advice, she has tried to speak to him but he just hangs up on her.
J
X

freyasmum

Has she tried to talk to him about it?

How do the kids feel?

If she has and he doesn't care, then I'm sorry I don't care how much I get flamed for this, but he doesn't have them until he grows up and realises that children, especially a two year old, take some looking after! Not being allowed up for the toilet or a drink, indeed!

*Sorry, just noticed the last bit where you said she has tried to talk and he hung up - the git! Maybe the thought of not having his children will make him buck up his ideas :rolleyes:

pretzelnut

I wouldnt send them - simple.

I am speaking from experience and as soon as i stopped contact my ex soon booked his ideas up.

I gave him a big lecture about how i was busting my !!!! to make sure our son was brought up properly and how he was ruining it by letting some scally behave like that around him. He soon realised his son was more important.

As for the no drink / toilet issue is it a blatant refusal to let them have one or go or is it a - you can have a drink in a minute im in the middle of something and the child has got coonfused and its being taken that they are NOT allowed one end of. Is the toilet / drink issue just when there in bed or does it happen throughout the day.

If it was just happening at night again it depends on the circumstances as my DS usues the - i need a drink line so that he can stall going to bed and we regualry refuse him one. But thats because we know he's trying to pull a fast one. When he realises that isnt working he will then try the i need the toilet line again. then when that doesnt work he trieds the - ive had a nightmare line and that is quickly followed by the theres a monster in my room line, it can go on all night so we have to be hard with him and just point blank refuse - eventually he gives in.

I know a lot of things can get twisted in these situations. Unfortunately seperate parents means 2 lots of parenting styles. After 7 years me and DS dad still dont agree on everything but he does now tend to see things my way and goes with them. But it has been hard.

But i will add that we dont get up to the kids before 7.30am and they are 2 and 7. If we hear them playing happily in their rooms we leave them to play happily. i will add that we are always awake when the kids are awake. We usually use this time to run the hoover round and get breakfast sorted before letting the kids downstairs.

However if we hear that 1 or the other or both isnt happy we immediately go and see to them.

We're not being cruel we are teaching them that just as there is a set time to go to sleep there is also a set time to get up, otherwise they would have us up playing every morning at 5am.

BitterAndTwisted

jak wrote: »

He has a new girlfriend and when the children stay with him and his new girlfriend they are not very nice to them. If this has been reported back by the 7 year old it could be connected some very reasonable discipline issue.

The new girlfriend smokes in the house in front of the kids. This would concern me as well, but it's not against the law. Yet.

they put them to bed with a dvd not a story Not ideal but not unkind or illegal

and make them stay in bed till 8am even tho the children wake up earlier. Unfortunate but not uncommon

They are not allowed a drink or the toilet or anything. You or the children's mother don't know anything about the circumstances. They might have been up and down out bed like a Jack-In-The-Box
X

To be honest, I'd be very reluctant to make a huge deal about any of this as it will just alienate the father. Stories carried back by children can't be relied on to be the absolute objective truth, they're just little children. Unless there's much more to this and there's other proof I wouldn't go there, it could just stir up a complete hornet's nest. Even with happily married couples there isn't always absolute 100% consensus about parenting style

foxy-roxy

The thing is, why won't the father give his side? If he is just hanging up the phone without talking to the mother of his child about there kidds well being then that would really p**s me off!
I would tell him that he won't see the kids until we have spoke and put my mind at rest.

cjj_2

Healthwise I would absolutely hate someone smoking in the house where my kids were staying. :mad: The poor kids

Fire_Fox

Perhaps you could express your concerns in writing? Phone calls can always get heated and be a bone of contention with new partners, letters can be written in a very non-confrontational, almost business-like manner. Maybe you could ask if he feels the children are playing up for him, and say that you would like to present a unified front so the kids don't get confused. If you get no response and the kids are distressed then maybe it's time to take further action, but at least you have the letter as evidence that your concerns are genuinely about parenting and not a sneaky way to get at the ex which may be the counter-accusation.

JBD

OP, I think you have to focus on the girlfriend smoking in the house in front of the children as this is potentially giving your children long term health problems. Other than that I think you just have to accept that you're ex has different ways of parenting to you. They won't come to any harm whatsoever through watching a DVD 2 nights a week.

smartpicture

Only two things would concern me here - the smoking, and the not talking on the phone. The rest is just a different parenting style and has to be accepted - you can't dictate how he brings his own kids up, I'm sure it wouldn't be appreciated if he was ringing up about every little thing saying she wasn't bringing up the kids properly in his opinion. For example, it may be that he is a stricter parent, and disagrees with how soft she is with them - which by the way, is a common disagreement even between two parents who live together.

It may also be that he hangs up because he's tired of her ringing up complaining about little things all the time, or it may be that he's a selfish oaf, we don't know. But they should be able to talk about issues that affect the children. If phonecalls don't work, use emails - but keep them short, and factual, and restricted to bigger issues, if you want a positive response. The smoking is definitely worth mentioning, as that could potentially be affecting the health of their children.

As for the rest - think what complaints the children could be making to the dad about her if he wanted to interpret them the wrong way. For example, mummy never lets me play with any friends (after being rude & cheeky to mummy and banned from playing with friends once?), mummy shouted at me & made me cry (after 3 nights of barely any sleep for mummy & extended bad behaviour?), mummy sent me to bed without any food (after he refused to eat a perfectly good meal cooked by mummy, or indeed anything else except sweeties?) - all perfectly normal complaints of the average 7-year-old that could be made to sound very bad indeed!

bellrooster

I would agree with what a lot of other posters have said, that the gf smoking in the house around the children is a huge issue as it can damage the childrens health. I would urge your friend to point this out to their ex in the strongest terms - surely the health of the children is more important than someones nicotine fix?

Blackpool_Saver

Isn't it amazing that courts and judges still allow children to be exposed to smoke on contact visits.