Not sure what to do next in relation to court action re access to kids

ChefBungle

Hi All,

Bit of an update for you all - I have discussed the situation at fairly great length with my lawyer this morning. We are going to give her one final opportunity in a formalised way to initiate something with regards to contact, otherwise I will commence legal proceedings and reduce the 25% down to 20%. As my lawyer says, there is only so much money in the pot (my pot!) to pay for everything and she needs to appreciate that. The only other alternative is to do nothing, and then I'll look back and probably wish that I had done something about it. At least this way my conscience will be clear, and I stand a much better chance of getting to see my kids again.

The feelings of anxiety and depression I have around this whole situation are starting to become very noticeable - I am rapidly losing engagement at work and I think my health might be starting to suffer as well. Oh to be 18 and not a care in the world again!

Thanks for your help everyone, I really do appreciate it.

Savvy_Sue

Could I just beg, that if you start a Facebook or whatever journal, you keep it fairly private rather than opening it to the world and his wife? Close family only, IMO.

And don't use it to criticise their mother: just keep it factual: "phoned tonight but their mum said they did not want to talk to me, I find it so hard when I love them so much" rather than "that evil scheming witch wouldn't let me talk to you again tonight ..." kind of thing ...

ChefBungle

Hey Sue,

Thanks for the advice, of course I will keep it private and positive! It's a great idea actually, it never occurred to me before - I guess Facebook keeps postings etc indefinitely, so even if this process takes longer than I want it to, they will be able to sit down one day and see everything.

I know I'm probably about to enter the most difficult and painful part of this whole process, but needs must I suppose. I just never thought that it would come to this!

bingo_bango

CB, stick with it!

I had this about 10 years ago. We were across from one another in court and all the dirt got dragged up (not all of it true of course, but who lets the truth get in the way of a good story?). I honestly wanted to kill my ex by the third court appearance, but I got over all that, and now I wouldn't give up any of the time I spend with my kids (even though it can scupper my plans sometimes :rolleyes:).

We ended up in mediation, and I laid my cards on the table. That worked, we worked out a plan for 2 hours a week supervised :eek:, which rapidly became days out, then weekends. These latter weren't court appointed arrangements, but because the kids wanted to.

I've never looked back. There were a few speedbumps along the way, but my kids are now 12 and (almost) 15 and they look forward to seeing me as much as I see them. Push for mediation as they seem to like the fact that it saves court time, but if you really need to, then instruct a solicitor.

As for the FB / Journal idea, don't panic! My kids have asked me all sorts of questions as time went on. Why did you leave? Did you not love us? Did you not love mum? Was it our fault? You'll likely get all of these, and there is no easy way out. I was honest (perhaps sometimes a little too honest) with them, but they accepted the reasons I gave, and they certainly don't think any less of me now. I don't think you need to keep a journal of any sort, although I did keep ALL of the solicitors letters until about 3 months ago.

Don't give up, as I suspect you'd regret not spending the money if you have it available.

Good luck with it all, and chin up!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Perhaps she's still a bit ticked off about you getting out of your car for a scuffle and breaking her wrist?

ChefBungle

Yes, because that's exactly what happened! It's amazing sometimes how people can read something and interpret it in completely the wrong way.

As I mentioned in my original original post, I got out the car to push her away because she almost smashed the car window in my face. If my intention was to cause her harm, surely I would just have punched her? My intention was to get her away from me and my car before she caused any damage, and possibly hurt herself in the process (eg fist vs car window is not a fair fight!).

She tripped over as she went backwards and landed awkwardly on her wrist which unfortunately broke it. To say "I broke her wrist" would suggest that I intentionally did so, which I have never stated was the case. It's a bit like saying "You set the house on fire" when actually all I forgot to do was switch off the TV at night! I know that might sound flippant, but my intention was never to break her wrist, so I find your comments completely unhelpful and inaccurate.

mummy_Jay

Ok, I don't really know your history but I'm going to ask the questions no one wants to ask.

What if your children really don't want to see you, that her statement is 100% true? Are you going to force them into it?

What about trying to approach the mother with ways to address the childrens issues, rather than you want access point blank.

How about suggesting that you would arrange family counciling? or even just that whilst the children fear you taking them from their mother that your visits would involve her to reassure them. Include her and have a family day out some where. Why not ask if she would be willing to try this one day a month until xmas.

I know you've already started with the solicitor but your children need you to be able to get on with their mother and this route will make that harder than ever. Be sure you have explored ever other avenue first. Also be aware that the solicistors are ther to make money out of you and may make it worse or prolong it on either side do so. i also think your solicitors quote is a lrather on the lean side, sorry to be the barer of bad news but the quote I got from my solicitor was only about a third of what it ended up paying and once the ball starts to roll its hard to stop.

The court will almost certainly give you access but force access can be extremely harmful to the children involved. Please make sure you take advise from people like your local health visitor (ref the childrens anxieties), to ensure you get it right.

Please please please make sure the question you keep asking yourself, is this what is best for my childrens welbeing? (this may not fit with what you want) And make any access you have/get fits into their lives not them having to fit into yours (don't make them give up any clubs, groups or all their time with friends for you). And never ever bad mouth their mother neither infront of them or to others.

DigitalJedi

Hi ChefBungle

My heart goes out to you. I was once in a similar position. My ex told everyone i pinned her up against the wall by her throat. That was true. BUT she failed to mentioned I did that after she attacked me in a drunken rage over nothing and I was merely defending myself. So I know exactly where you are coming from.

How important is your credit rating? I assume you now have your own living costs so it seems unfair to me that you should be expected to pay half the mortgage for a house you no longer live in. If your ex cannot afford it on her own then she should move. You cannot be expected to pay half the mortgage, 20% child maintenance for the next x years whilst she's also driving you out of the kids life.

Personally I'd stop paying that too but the cost may probably be your credit rating.

Representing yourself at family court isn't as bad as it seems. There is plenty of help out there. Certain websites can point you in the right direction. The judges have seen this often and you certainly won't be the first.

I hired a solicitor for my case but I'd certainly consider going it alone the next time. To be frank, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and I hear judges are a little bit more lenient (as they can be) to those who represent themselves.

What if your children really don't want to see you, that her statement is 100% true? Are you going to force them into it?

But the other side of the coin is that should OP just give up trying to see his children and play a role in their life just because his ex has poisoned them against him? He only has her word for it that they don't want to see him. She could be completely lying.



Anyway, wish you the best of luck.

pinkshoes

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Ok, I don't really know your history but I'm going to ask the questions no one wants to ask.

What if your children really don't want to see you, that her statement is 100% true? Are you going to force them into it?

They are 4 and 9 years old. There is no way kids of this age would suddenly hate their daddy and refuse to see him unless their mind was poisoned against him...

Keep fighting Chefbungle, as anyone who is selfish enough to use their kids as a weapon against their ex will get their comeuppence one day!

Are you writing to them every week? Sending recorded delivery letters letting them know what you're up to? If not, do it. It may be hard now, but the truth always comes out, so one day they'll understand and realise it wasn't your fault.