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Not sure what to do next in relation to court action re access to kids

ChefBungle
Posts: 205 Forumite
OK Folks,
I've posted on here a couple of times before, and the situation has now moved on somewhat. I haven't seen my kids for over 6 weeks now and I am desperate to see them and spend time with them. However, my ex is refusing this, saying that they both don't want to see me, and they both refuse to speak to me over the phone. I think in their eyes I am the big bad one in all of this. My ex says they are both having nightmares about me coming to take them away.
I tried to set up a meeting through Family Mediation Service, but she declined the invitation saying that it "wasn't appropriate at this point in time".
She says she has taken the children to the doctors and they've been referred to family therapy. As it's an NHS referral, goodness only knows how long this will take to come through.
On Friday night my ex and I were due to have a catch-up call so that I could find out what has been going on in my children's lives. It wasn't a productive conversation as she seemed to be somewhat angry - it seemed an effort for her to expand on some of the answers she gave to the questions I asked. However, worse was that my eldest it would seem overheard most of the call, and knowing his mum was on the phone to me upset him. It seems strange that she would knowingly put him in this position, and I'm now convinced she's not doing anything to prevent the further deterioration of my relationship with them - I think she is actually unwittingly contributing to its demise.
I now really don't feel as if I'm going to get anywhere, and feel like my only course of action is rapidly becoming a court action to gain access to them.
However, this is going to cost me between £2000 and £5000 according to my lawyer, depending on how much resistance she decides to put up (probably as much as possible). I simply cannot afford to pay this because not only am I paying her 25% maintenance for the children and half of the mortgage and insurance on the marital home (which I am no longer staying in), but I am also paying around £800 per month in debt repayments (£10k car loan, £17 worth of credit card debt, all of which was amassed during our 9 years together, but it is all in my name so I've been lumbered with it).
The only thing I can do is reduce the amount of money I'm paying her each month - as I said I am currently paying her 25% maintenance for the kids, but I only have to pay her 20% according to the CSA, so this would save me around £120 a month which would at least mean I could start the ball rolling with the court action.
If I don't do this, then I genuinely have no idea about where to turn to. My earnings don't qualify me for legal aid, and I have about £150 a month disposable income once everything is paid.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
I've posted on here a couple of times before, and the situation has now moved on somewhat. I haven't seen my kids for over 6 weeks now and I am desperate to see them and spend time with them. However, my ex is refusing this, saying that they both don't want to see me, and they both refuse to speak to me over the phone. I think in their eyes I am the big bad one in all of this. My ex says they are both having nightmares about me coming to take them away.
I tried to set up a meeting through Family Mediation Service, but she declined the invitation saying that it "wasn't appropriate at this point in time".
She says she has taken the children to the doctors and they've been referred to family therapy. As it's an NHS referral, goodness only knows how long this will take to come through.
On Friday night my ex and I were due to have a catch-up call so that I could find out what has been going on in my children's lives. It wasn't a productive conversation as she seemed to be somewhat angry - it seemed an effort for her to expand on some of the answers she gave to the questions I asked. However, worse was that my eldest it would seem overheard most of the call, and knowing his mum was on the phone to me upset him. It seems strange that she would knowingly put him in this position, and I'm now convinced she's not doing anything to prevent the further deterioration of my relationship with them - I think she is actually unwittingly contributing to its demise.
I now really don't feel as if I'm going to get anywhere, and feel like my only course of action is rapidly becoming a court action to gain access to them.
However, this is going to cost me between £2000 and £5000 according to my lawyer, depending on how much resistance she decides to put up (probably as much as possible). I simply cannot afford to pay this because not only am I paying her 25% maintenance for the children and half of the mortgage and insurance on the marital home (which I am no longer staying in), but I am also paying around £800 per month in debt repayments (£10k car loan, £17 worth of credit card debt, all of which was amassed during our 9 years together, but it is all in my name so I've been lumbered with it).
The only thing I can do is reduce the amount of money I'm paying her each month - as I said I am currently paying her 25% maintenance for the kids, but I only have to pay her 20% according to the CSA, so this would save me around £120 a month which would at least mean I could start the ball rolling with the court action.
If I don't do this, then I genuinely have no idea about where to turn to. My earnings don't qualify me for legal aid, and I have about £150 a month disposable income once everything is paid.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
0
Comments
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you can go to court and repersent yourself, its not like a court its just a room with a judge at a table, you wont feel intimidated because they wont be many in room, judge, cafcas, yourself and x and her solicter if she wishes, so it wont cost that much, ive just been taken by my x and basiclly we went in the judge said a cafcas officer will talk to you then he will report back to the court, it was a bit easyer because i wasnt deniying access, if she gonna deny access she will need a good reson, because no court will deny the acccess to the dad unless there is a child protection issuie , if your x refuses access the cafcass officer willl talk to the children and report back to the court (depending on kids ages)
you can get more advice from parentline plus -www.parentlineplus.org.uk-0808 800 2222 and cab, and cafcass in your area please look into this because if you feel like this after 6 weeks what happens when it streachers for a year and so on good luck0 -
There is an old legal saying, a lawyer who represents himself has an idiot for a client.
In a small claim for a dodgy coat DIY is probably appropriate, something as important as access get a lawyer.
I’d say you need to sort your finances out. Unless you have an exceptionally well paying job funding two homes is not sustainable so you might as well bring this to a head now.
The CSA will tell you how much you have to pay and that’s all I’d pay. Let your ex sort her own housing out, either she can move or take over the mortgage etc.0 -
I represented myself in court. No way was I going to waste money whilst my ex had the luxury of legal aid whilst paying no child maintenance. I didn`t find it at all daunting. If you put "representing yourself in family court" you`ll get lots of info. It will take time to sift through but worth it.0
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my x repesenting hiself, its only for a contact order nothing to do with money i wouldnt pay,0
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ChefBungle wrote: »I simply cannot afford to pay this because not only am I paying her 25% maintenance for the children and half of the mortgage and insurance on the marital home (which I am no longer staying in),
The only thing I can do is reduce the amount of money I'm paying her each month - as I said I am currently paying her 25% maintenance for the kids, but I only have to pay her 20% according to the CSA, so this would save me around £120 a month which would at least mean I could start the ball rolling with the court action.
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Have you told her that there will be a drop of 5% in maintenance payments, this might help her change her mind and let you see them:rolleyes:Loved our trip to the West Coast USA. Death Valley is the place to go!0 -
Also when it goes to court the fact that you requested mediation and she refused it will look better for you than for her.Signature removed for peace of mind0
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ChefBungle wrote: »OK Folks,
I've posted on here a couple of times before, and the situation has now moved on somewhat. I haven't seen my kids for over 6 weeks now and I am desperate to see them and spend time with them. However, my ex is refusing this, saying that they both don't want to see me, and they both refuse to speak to me over the phone. I think in their eyes I am the big bad one in all of this. My ex says they are both having nightmares about me coming to take them away.
I tried to set up a meeting through Family Mediation Service, but she declined the invitation saying that it "wasn't appropriate at this point in time".
She says she has taken the children to the doctors and they've been referred to family therapy. As it's an NHS referral, goodness only knows how long this will take to come through.
On Friday night my ex and I were due to have a catch-up call so that I could find out what has been going on in my children's lives. It wasn't a productive conversation as she seemed to be somewhat angry - it seemed an effort for her to expand on some of the answers she gave to the questions I asked. However, worse was that my eldest it would seem overheard most of the call, and knowing his mum was on the phone to me upset him. It seems strange that she would knowingly put him in this position, and I'm now convinced she's not doing anything to prevent the further deterioration of my relationship with them - I think she is actually unwittingly contributing to its demise.
I now really don't feel as if I'm going to get anywhere, and feel like my only course of action is rapidly becoming a court action to gain access to them.
However, this is going to cost me between £2000 and £5000 according to my lawyer, depending on how much resistance she decides to put up (probably as much as possible). I simply cannot afford to pay this because not only am I paying her 25% maintenance for the children and half of the mortgage and insurance on the marital home (which I am no longer staying in), but I am also paying around £800 per month in debt repayments (£10k car loan, £17 worth of credit card debt, all of which was amassed during our 9 years together, but it is all in my name so I've been lumbered with it).
The only thing I can do is reduce the amount of money I'm paying her each month - as I said I am currently paying her 25% maintenance for the kids, but I only have to pay her 20% according to the CSA, so this would save me around £120 a month which would at least mean I could start the ball rolling with the court action.
If I don't do this, then I genuinely have no idea about where to turn to. My earnings don't qualify me for legal aid, and I have about £150 a month disposable income once everything is paid.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Sounds like shes punishing you for the marriage breakup and using the children as a weapon against you. Its easy for her to turn the kids against you unfortunately as she has their ear.
If shes making no attempt to work with you on this and is letting her personal feelings cloud what may be best for your children then i'd consider playing hardball given it sounds like your paying her a considerable sum every month, you need to be getting something for that - rather than just abuse.
Firstly, from memory, you dont have to pay half the mortgage on her house. You are already paying her maintenance for the children - that includes the part to put a roof over their head. If that is definitely the case, I'd suggest writing her a formal letter telling her you cant afford to keep paying for half her house and she can either opt to pay you half the equity or sell the house and split the equity.
Secondly, if she really is going to play silly !!!!!!s, i'd consider stopping maintenance payments until such times as you gain access to the children. Lodge the money into a separate account so that you can back pay it when required. Again write a letter and explain that you are happy to pay maintenance when an access plan has been mutually agreed, until then you will decline to pay.
Thirdly, reduce the payment monthly in line with CSA guidelines, and dont forget should you finally get to have your kids overnight every week, you can reduce your payment by 1/7th per night.
Fourthly, it sounds like your solicitor is a paper pusher - you need someone who will proactively look after your interests
Chances are the kids will come round over time - i think its a shame when kids are used as an emotional weapon.0 -
.......it sounds like your paying her a considerable sum every month, you need to be getting something for that - rather than just abuse.
Firstly, from memory, you dont have to pay half the mortgage on her house. You are already paying her maintenance for the children - that includes the part to put a roof over their head. If that is definitely the case, I'd suggest writing her a formal letter telling her you cant afford to keep paying for half her house and she can either opt to pay you half the equity or sell the house and split the equity.
Secondly, if she really is going to play silly !!!!!!s, i'd consider stopping maintenance payments until such times as you gain access to the children. Lodge the money into a separate account so that you can back pay it when required. Again write a letter and explain that you are happy to pay maintenance when an access plan has been mutually agreed, until then you will decline to pay.
Thirdly, reduce the payment monthly in line with CSA guidelines, and dont forget should you finally get to have your kids overnight every week, you can reduce your payment by 1/7th per night.
Fourthly, it sounds like your solicitor is a paper pusher - you need someone who will proactively look after your interests..........
Agree with most of what you say apart from stopping the maintenance, she’s still got to feed & clothe them so I’d carry on paying at the CSA rate, no less, no more.0 -
Hi, just a quick question to the OP-have you ever explained to her that you just couldn't handle the situation with her PND ect and subsequently fell out of love with her? You may see this as irrelevant, but all this game playing she's partaking in, is clearly through bitterness.
From what i gage from the post where you mentioned why you broke up on the other thread, she probably feels you were'nt there when she needed you and now your with someone else.I'm not saying that's what did indeed happen, but I think that only by getting to the root cause of all of this will this situation become healthy.Whether you have acess to the kids or not, she can still (unfortunately) play games with their minds which will not be nice for any of you.
I know you say you don't care how it looks to her, but i think if you do look at it from her perspective given the PND ect, you may realise that these are clearly the actions of someone desperate and misguided (although there is never an excuse for witholding access from parents-unless possible danger issues).And, maybe if she feels you acknowledge her feelings at that point, she may stop being so bitter and move on mentally and stop this carry on(although if she had my ex to contend with she would have stopped this performance a long time ago:rotfl:
I wish you the best of luck!:A Your Always in my heart, you never ever will be forgotten-9/9/14:heart2:0 -
Please do not give up.
My advice would be to reduce the maintenance to the amount recommended by the CSA: https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp
Stop paying any insurance and unless you intend to try and maintain a 50% interest in the house then stop paying that too.
In your position I would warn the ex that this is going to happen but expect fireworks - I would only be warning her because she's going to have to make up a shortfall of income and for the sake of the kids it seems fairer that she is forwarned.
With regards to access - make it clear from the outset that you will be taking it all the way. If you go to court make sure that if a decision is make that access must be reinstated, there is a punative element if she doesn't comply.
Join families need fathers - they have lots of people in the same position as you and will be able to give you lots of advice.
http://www.fnf.org.uk/
Phone the GP and see if you can be part of the referral for family therapy - you are still their Dad and I assume have full parental rights.
In the meantime, keep a journal, facebook account or whatever is age appropriate so that your children will know that you always had them in your heart even when you couldn't see them - use these as a way of expressing your love for them, not hatred for their mum. Open an account for them and put some money in for them every month, ditto birthday money etc etc - bascially anything that shows that even when they weren't there, they were a part of your life.
If your ex is determined then it will be a long haul but even if you fail, one day your kids will come looking for you and you can tell them that you did absolutely everything in your power to see them and the journals/birthday card, bank accounts and whatever else you do will be proof of this.
Good luck and please do keep us posted.
Sou0
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