Mother undermining my decisions - help! Very long, sorry

kelloggs36

My sister has apologied for calling me a !!!!! - she understands my point of view and doesn't want to fall out! Clearly she had only heard my mum's side!

Gravesendgirl

I think you are doing completely the right thing.

When I was a student my parents, with all the right intentions, continually bailed me out and provided me with money on request. I was extremely lucky however this meant that when I entered "the real world" I had absolutely no idea of budgetting and did not know the value of my earnings and how important it is to keep your spending in line with your income. This resulted in ultimately me getting into debt when finally they let me know that as a working woman I was responsible for myself financially. I have now, aged 31, learnt the hard way. This month I cleared my debt.

I will always be grateful for the support, financially and emotionally, my parents have given me but when I have children in the future I will be more like you in teaching them to budget and manage their finances than my parents.

Good luck

Soubrette

You are right and your mum is wrong.

Stick to your guns and see if you can stop being your daughter's guarantor, then leave her to it. You've told her and you've told your mum what your fears are if they continue as they are but all that has done is encourage your daughter to lie to you - tell her you're here to help if she wants help but otherwise you are not interested (and then stop going through her stuff).

I have a friend who is much older and much more in debt than your daughter - I had a kind of intervention with her and said how much I was worried but tbh she isn't interested in changing her lifestyle until such time as she cannot get more credit. I love her to bits but I've had my say and now I say nothing when she tells me about her holidays, she knows I'm here to help (with advice not money) but the rest is up to her and unwanted and unasked for advice just drives her away.

Good luck - it is horrible watching an inevitable train wreck but imo you really have done your best in this situation.

Sou

Savvy_Sue

If they won't listen when you talk, then I'd consider writing a letter to your DD and maybe a copy or a different one to your mum. You can start by saying how much you love her, but for that reason you are not prepared to bail her out financially, even if you could afford to do so, which you can't.

I would certainly ask your mum if she would like to either pay off your DD's rent arrears, or be her guarantor, because you can't. It's not that you won't pay them off (even though I wouldn't, in your position!), it's that you CAN'T.

I like the idea of reminding your mum that you never do anything for her next time she asks you to run errands.

silvercar

Your problem is that you are the guarantor. To protect yourself I would be tempted to stop any maintenance money you give her and instead pay the money towards the rent. If she then has insufficient money she will have to manage or speak to her grandmorther again.

Otherwise you run the real risk of the letting agent pursueing you for the rent.

It is difficult when students have no way of sorting out a rental property in the uni town without parents acting as guarantor. Having given this commitment, you need to protect yourself.

NAR

kelloggs36 wrote: »

My sister has apologied for calling me a !!!!! - she understands my point of view and doesn't want to fall out! Clearly she had only heard my mum's side!

Tell full story to sis, if you haven't already, and ask her to tell mum. When she hears it from sis then maybe the penny will drop. Stick to your guns with daughter - the "know it all" needs a lightbulb moment or three by the sounds of it.

Strapped

kelloggs36 wrote: »

I am 38 and a mother to 3 children, well the eldest is 20 and at university. My eldest is causing no end of problems for herself and will not listen to anything me or her stepfather have to say:

She is in her final year at university which is a long way from home so she has a shared house. She is in arrears with her rent by £900 and was in arrears at the end of May when she arrived, but assured us that she would be trying hard to get a job to pay it off. She got some work in the Summer, not great money, but about £200 per week for about 6 weeks. She assured us that the money was for her rent, and anything left would go into her bank to help her when she went back. Fantastic we thought.

Fast forward to August when we return from holiday (she didn't come as she said she was working). Two letters from her letting agent addressed to us (guarantors) state that she is in arrears and she has made no contact with them. We question her and ask why she hasn't paid any of her rent arrears with her money she has been earning. She says she has contacted them and agreed to pay when she gets her grant/loan through at the end of September - no response to where the money has gone. We haven't been charging her anything btw!

This week we get a phonecall from the letting agent explaining that she still has made no contact with them. I told them she had assured us that an agreement had been reached, but they said no it had not - they had heard nothing from her. Told them we have no money and that she will pay when she gets her grant - they agree to call her to arrange this.

She stayed at my mum's this week, and we found lots of bank statements in her room which show that she has opened a second student account (where she states on the application that she had a job paying £800 per month, which when she applied she did NOT have a job - it had stopped about 6 weeks before hand) and taken money out, she has also got a store card where she has bought clothes, her mobile phone bill payment bounced so now she will also get bank charges. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did - that isn't the issue!

Basically she is in debt up to her eyeballs. Last night I overheard her say that she was off to Berlin for a few days! I questioned her and she said that she would pay for it out of her loan, and I reminded her that once she had paid her rent she would only have a couple of hundred pounds to live on. She said that it was okay as her nan (my mum) was giving her money for food and her bills. This is where I am not happy.

I have made it clear that she is MY responsibility, but also that she needs to learn to be sensible and learn that she has financial priorities ie her rent, bills and food come first before anything else. If there is nothing else then you have to go without. Last year my mum bailed her out of another £1k for the same thing and she promised that she wouldn't do it again - my DD has to learn the hard way. Get a job, then she can pay her way, or at least pay her debts when she does work rather than blow it. She has proven over and over again that she won't do the right thing, and then goes running to my mum asking for money to help her out - I have refused on the grounds that she needs to face up and learn how to deal with situations that she has chosen to put herself in. My mum however, won't listen to me and feels that I am cruel for not helping. I have said that if she can prove that she does the right thing and STILL needs help with food etc, then I am more than willing to help - but to help her to continue to be irresponsbile, I refuse to do! It seems that my decisions to try and get my DD on the straight an narrow are totally ignored - what can I do? It won't help her in the long run being bailed out!!!

Sorry, haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to say that if you replaced you with me, and your daughter with my sister, we could be describing the same situation. Basically your mum is enabling her to live beyond her means, which won't help her in the long-term. Perhaps you could ask your mum, if she must help, that she at least pays your daughter's rent directly to the landlord rather than give the money to your daughter who will only blow it on something else.

Kavanne

Learning to live within my means without handouts from my parents was one of the hardest things I had to learn to do.... Once your daughter can do it she'll be so much happier. Maybe draw up a couple of budgeting sheets for her?

System

Your mum needs to take a step back and let you deal with this. Your daughter is learning from her mistakes because everytime she gets into a mess she just contacts her gran and WHAM! the debt is gone.

This kind of happened to me. Albeit i had a job but it was a really bad job, but anyway my parents kept bailing me out, and i kept making the same mistakes. Till the last time. The last time i realised i was far further up !!!! creek than i had realised but by then i'd had time to think about just how much money my parents had given me. And i made the decision, there and then they weren't going to be the ones bailing me out. It was my mess and i had to pay for it.

I rang my mum and told her i needed some money from the money my nan had left me. She was worried at first, telling me i should be saving it for when i needed it, and i told her, i do need it. I need it to pay of debts i have created. I need to take repsonsibility for my own actions. And i did. And i havent had to borrow money from them since.

Sorry for rambelling there, my point is until your daughter takes responsibilty for her debts, she will never learn from her mistakes. Surely your mother can sew that your daughter needs to be taught that lesson, otherwise she'll never be able to stand on her own two feet.

kelloggs36

Thanks guys - I have spoken to DD today and explained to her why I am being so harsh and she seemed to accept this. I have asked her to tactfully suggest to her nan that she doesn't give her the money now, but save it up and perhaps get her something worthwhile later on if she really wants to spend the money on her - I don't resent that! She has said that she realises that she has buried her head in the sand and doesn't deal with things. I just hope that now she will - only time will tell. I've said to her that whilst I could help her out if push comes to shove, at the moment I am not willing to because all I can see before me is a car-crash that she is creating for her life, and I would rather her have a bump now than a multi-car pile up later on in her life! As my hubby said, we would rather give her money towards a deposit for a house or buy her a car when the time comes, rather than waste it on frivolous stuff! I hope she listens.....