Mother undermining my decisions - help! Very long, sorry

kelloggs36

I am 38 and a mother to 3 children, well the eldest is 20 and at university. My eldest is causing no end of problems for herself and will not listen to anything me or her stepfather have to say:

She is in her final year at university which is a long way from home so she has a shared house. She is in arrears with her rent by £900 and was in arrears at the end of May when she arrived, but assured us that she would be trying hard to get a job to pay it off. She got some work in the Summer, not great money, but about £200 per week for about 6 weeks. She assured us that the money was for her rent, and anything left would go into her bank to help her when she went back. Fantastic we thought.

Fast forward to August when we return from holiday (she didn't come as she said she was working). Two letters from her letting agent addressed to us (guarantors) state that she is in arrears and she has made no contact with them. We question her and ask why she hasn't paid any of her rent arrears with her money she has been earning. She says she has contacted them and agreed to pay when she gets her grant/loan through at the end of September - no response to where the money has gone. We haven't been charging her anything btw!

This week we get a phonecall from the letting agent explaining that she still has made no contact with them. I told them she had assured us that an agreement had been reached, but they said no it had not - they had heard nothing from her. Told them we have no money and that she will pay when she gets her grant - they agree to call her to arrange this.

She stayed at my mum's this week, and we found lots of bank statements in her room which show that she has opened a second student account (where she states on the application that she had a job paying £800 per month, which when she applied she did NOT have a job - it had stopped about 6 weeks before hand) and taken money out, she has also got a store card where she has bought clothes, her mobile phone bill payment bounced so now she will also get bank charges. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did - that isn't the issue!

Basically she is in debt up to her eyeballs. Last night I overheard her say that she was off to Berlin for a few days! I questioned her and she said that she would pay for it out of her loan, and I reminded her that once she had paid her rent she would only have a couple of hundred pounds to live on. She said that it was okay as her nan (my mum) was giving her money for food and her bills. This is where I am not happy.

I have made it clear that she is MY responsibility, but also that she needs to learn to be sensible and learn that she has financial priorities ie her rent, bills and food come first before anything else. If there is nothing else then you have to go without. Last year my mum bailed her out of another £1k for the same thing and she promised that she wouldn't do it again - my DD has to learn the hard way. Get a job, then she can pay her way, or at least pay her debts when she does work rather than blow it. She has proven over and over again that she won't do the right thing, and then goes running to my mum asking for money to help her out - I have refused on the grounds that she needs to face up and learn how to deal with situations that she has chosen to put herself in. My mum however, won't listen to me and feels that I am cruel for not helping. I have said that if she can prove that she does the right thing and STILL needs help with food etc, then I am more than willing to help - but to help her to continue to be irresponsbile, I refuse to do! It seems that my decisions to try and get my DD on the straight an narrow are totally ignored - what can I do? It won't help her in the long run being bailed out!!!

chriszzz

Hi Kellogs,

Keep bumping into you on this site lol!!! My daughter was doing pretty much the same, not taking responsibility for the herself and always getting bailed out.
Although my daughter was not at uni, she had her own place and did not organise her living expenditure, buying clothes, socialising,holidays, instead of paying bills.
Now I dont mind helping my kids out financially but i have always taught them to pay back but what i was finding was when she gave the money back within a couple of days she wanted to borrow again, I was then feeling like my money was never my own, plus it stopped me being able to take my son out for the little luxuries we like to do.
As I am her mother I felt responsible to basically kick arrs and stop lending her money and let herself get in a mess until she had no option but to take responsibility for herself.
My family had helped her out so much but the embarrasing thing was, she never once thanked them for their kindness, I can remember thinking that she had grown up to be a selfish individual and nothing like me, am more a giver than a taker.
Once I decided enuf was enuf I gave her fore-warning that I couldnt possibly financially help her no more and learnt to say no!! and i stuck to that and the only person who came out better was my son because he was being neglected due to me spending my time, energy and money to help sort her out.
I feel so much better that I took that approach because my son and me are living are lives again and taking back the good relationship we had before my daughter took libertys.
My daughter on the other hand, has a new boyfriend who has plenty of money and guess what ?? she doesnt even come to visit.
Your daughter is old enough to take responsibility for herself, If your mum kindness keeps helping her then she is teaching her nothing.
I hope you can sort this out with your daughter but you cant always be responsible because thats what we are suposed to do is to teach them to be responsible for themselves when they become the adult.
You also have to remember she is only young and she wants to do things that she cant afford and we all have at some point been irresponsible, she will have to face it in the end because it will catch up with her!!
Good luck kellogs

kelloggs36

Good to hear that I am doing the right thing - I just wish my mum could see that!!! My mum keeps making herself the one who makes decisions and makes me feel guilty for not doing it - but I am not doing it deliberately but she won't see that!!!!

mandragora_2

You're going to have to step back from this one. You've spoken to your mum about it, tried to warn her off but have managed to end up in the wrong anyhow. You need to stick to your guns, so that you aren't 'enabling' her destructive habits, but, at the end of the day, the is the only person who can sort this out. You ar right in that your mum isn't helping, but you've said your piece, to do any more is just going to mean you get it in the neck. Hard as it sounds, I'd just leave them to get on with it now. Nan could end up getting her fingers burned, but all you can do is try not to get caught up in the fall-out. Be firm in your approach, don't get dragged into long conversations about it, don't ever open any more bank letters or sign as guarantor for any more financial liabilities.

Bufger

I think you have a very good view as a parent. I'm only 25 and not a parent so i can only give an opinion based on how i was brought up and what ive seen from some of my friends.

I would tell your mum that if she wants to ruin your daughters future then she can carry on what shes doing. If she wants to pay for your daughter to have a good time then let her live with your mum! Otherwise whilst you're the parent you will decide whats best. You will have to sit her down and explain exactly why you're not helping financially. It sometimes helps to write a list beforehand as emotions can make you forget the valid and important points.

As for your daughter i think she will have to learn the hard way. Its obvious shes just running away from the problem and ignoring it. Instead of getting on at her drop a few comments every now and then that will make her think about things. She may show she doesnt care now but when shes sitting on her own she will think about it and it'll upset her. Eventually (hopefully) she'll get her backside in gear!

Some people need to learn the hard way. It will also be hard for you as you seem to be a very caring and thoughtful mother. You havent made any mistakes so dont linger on it too much. She's not your responsibility for much longer!

mishkanorman

I would have a chat with your mum and suggest that if she feels she really MUST help your DD out then its done in a sensible way. She can pay the rent direct, buy vouchers for shopping ie tesco or do it on-line on her behalf, get her a PAYG phone and top it up herself. all these things will help without actually handing your DD money to blow !

Its a lovely thing she is doing but it WILL ruin your DD in the long run.

mishka

kelloggs36

I just tried to speak to my mother, but I was accused of being selfish and not considering DD at all. She would not listen to my reasons and I tried explain that when she can prove that she can act more responsibly, then I would be more willing to help out - instead I got a mouthful of how selfish I am and that I'm not perfect (never claimed to be actually!) and then a nasty phonecall from my sister calling an fing !!!!!. Nice to know my family support my decisions!!!!!! Apparently I don't offer my mum anything for her looking after my son - no, I take her shopping whenever she wants to go, I take her on all her errands that she wants to go on, I go on a 200 mile round trip to drop off her sister when she comes to stay. I clearly do nothing. I surely have the right to have my wishes respected, but they count for nothing and my DD is all that matters??? I agree that of course she matters and is precisely why I have made the decision I have.

whitewing

I fully support you. It is vital that DD learns to handle money.

Is there any way you can stop being a guarantor going forwards? If she is still not paying rent, you may be storing up even more trouble for yourself.

BitterAndTwisted

If your mother is so keen to protect your daughter from her own actions suggest that she takes over as guarantor in your place.

kelloggs36

I may well suggest that! I'm damned if I'm going to lose my own home because of her stupidity!!

Bufger

i would suggest its time to stop people taking advantage of you. If your mother needs to go anywhere remind her that you never do anything for her. Also stop relying on her for anything, maybe she'll realise just how much you do for her.

Let your mother spend her own money on your daughter and concentrate on protecting your son from this mess. Your sister has obviously only raised her head based on what your mother has moaned to her about, that will be what she wanted her to hear so i wouldnt worry so much.

You dont have to protect your actions. You are in the right as you're only trying to do whats best for your daughter. Let them sort it out now, they obviously know so much about it they can be left with making mistakes