Don't know what I want

superstar27

Am a regular poster but posting under a different name.

Firstly, I know I have got myself into this situation and I've only myself to blame but it doesn't make it any easier. I know there will be critics and I was one until I was in this position.

Basically been with OH 4 years, live with respective parents as saving for a house. He's perfect in every way except he severely lacks in affection... no proper kissing, no cuddling, and sex is just if he thinks 'we best do it, haven't done it for a while' and it's routine. A few months ago I had a night out and kissed a guy. It was just a passionate attention thing so I just forgot about it.

But then 2 weeks ago I got asked on a date by someone I get on with really well and I couldn't help but go, and we had a great time, passionate kissing, bit more.. all the things I crave but don't get with OH. We had said casually we'd go out tomorrow, and he said yesterday he'd phone tonight but hasn't and I feel AWFUL. I've phoned but got voicemail. We have spoken in between and I said if he had changed his mind its fine etc but he was insistent he wanted to go out again yet I've heard nothing from him. I don't know what he wants from it and I didn't mind I just wish he'd have the guts to call to say either way, not leave me hanging on.

I fall for people not through instant attraction but by getting to know them and I think I have fallen into this trap and don't know what to do now. After this week I go abroad for 4 months and will see neither OH or this guy so I can try to clear my head but right now I just feel like I don't know what I want at all....

Sorry I know this is more of a rant than anything but I had to write it down for sanitys sake...

McKneff

There is no such thing as 'couldnt help it' you can help it.
Everything we do is a concious choice.
You need to go abroad for 4 months but before you go be honest with your other half, give him the same 'concious choice that you have had.
There are so many things you need to ask yourself. Do you want this life for the rest of your life. I suspect not. Do something positive.
If you want other affectionate men, then finish it with him.
What do you want.
If your OH suddenly start to become affectionate, would it really make any difference? Do you love him, do you know what love means.
I've been married 41 years and i have never been unfaithful to my OH and i trust him enough to say that he would say the same thing.
Its your life, do what you want to do with it.

superstar27

I know it was a conscious choice. And I don't know what I want really, that's the problem. If he was affectionate again yes it would make a difference as we had that and it was perfect then.

BitterAndTwisted

As I see it, you wouldn't be focusing on this other person if you were absolutely certain that your OH was the love of your life for ever and ever. But then the potential for a little danger can sometimes be so very sweet, even if we choose not to act upon it.

I can't imagine what a four-year relationship would be like with what sounds like the pash gone out of the window already.

McKneff

You really need to talk to him.
Proper talk, no confrontation and tell him how you feel, and just as important
ask him how he feels. and you really need to do it before you go away.

Affectionate cuddles aside, do you love him, are you one hundred % sure that he loves you. If you say yes to both, then you both have to work on it and
he cant work on it if he doesnt realise what is happening.

I dont want intimate details of your sex life but is that part of it okay or has that gone out of the window

Good luck.

jack*tigger

I went to a Maths lecture once and the lecturer said that finding love is a game of probability. You find someone, they're good-looking but their feet smell you rate them a 6. What's the probability of finding someone better ?? Fairly good. So you look again and find an 8. Now what is the probability of finding someone better? Not so good.

Are you with Mr 8 and wondering if you should stick where you are or go looking for Mr 9 or Mr 10 ?????

Before I got together with my OH I was with someone else for 3 years - met at college, moved in together after we left, got engaged the whole works. But I realised that I was having more fun with my friends that I was with my intended. So I ended things and got together with my OH - we've been married 15 years now. Thank goodness I didn't settle for Mr 8.

I heard some advice on the radio a couple of weeks ago which might be relevant to you ...

Don't be with the one that you can live with, be with the one that you can't live without.

Pee

Is it worth working out? Only you can answer that, but it sounds to me as though you are not fully commited to this OH, you haven't moved in together or got engaged and it's four years down the line. If what you want is more affection from him, to a certain extent once he knows what you want, he can do that. If you want a level of affection that very few men are able to give, then probably he can't and probably you won't find someone else who does either.

It sounds to me like you are quite young and have plenty of options ahead of you and a split from your OH would open a lot more options up to you. Going on dates behind his back and kissing other men is horrid. How will he feel if he ever finds out? Have a break and if he is the right man for you, maybe you can get back together. For now, I think you need your freedom before you hurt him very badly.

And yes, new relationships are very exciting and new partners always seem so much better than the existing partner whose charms may have dulled with time, until you realise that there are men out there who say they will call and don't, who might think they can do better than you, who are only interested whilst you are safely in a relationship... and there are lots of nice, honest, reliable men who would probably choose not to get involved with you until you sort yourself out.

Sorry if that's harsh. Try tossing a coin and see how you feel as you wait for the coin to land, and follow your heart.

chriszzz

HI
Let me just say I dont think it is fair that you are ready to cheat on your OH, you owe it to your OH to talk about how you feel because if he doesnt know then how can he try to help the relationship, after all none of us are mind readers .

Relationships need effort on both parts and if the communication has broken down then chances are the r/ship will be on a downward slide.

Only you know within your heart if you truly love him and want the r/ship to work, but it wouldnt be fair to him if you keep him dangling, you should let him go so that he can move on and find someone who will love him for who he is.
The good thing is that you have 4 months away to be able to think about what you want.

Cheating is a not the way!! how many times have you been in discussion with friends and their partners have cheated?? and what do we think of people who cheat?? My next question?? Do you want people to think of you in the same way??.

I hope which ever way you go with this, that you do it for the right reasons.

superstar27

Thanks for all your replies. I know I am not going about things the right way and yes I have strongly disapproved of others who have done that in the past but until you are in that situation I realise now you just cant comment.... I have tried to talk to him and it's just not changing things, he's still the same. I called him tonight and when we ended I told him I loved him and he just said bye... it's all that kind of thing.

Pee you're right, saying they'll call and don't is exactly what am experiencing with this other guy who almost certainly isn't worth the chase but I'm not able to see past what we did have the other week... sad isn't it. PS we're only not living together for financial reasons ie we are with parents while we save up a deposit on a house.

McKneff, its gone out the window... its only done when OH feels bad that we havent done it for a while... I try and I get pushed away!!

jack*tigger I love your post and am committing it all to memory... you're so right. OH is a Mr 9.5 tho!!

bank_of_slate

superstar27 wrote: »

I don't know what he wants from it and I didn't mind I just wish he'd have the guts to call to say either way, not leave me hanging on.

just read this part again and think about this from your OH's point of view
...Linda xx

Takoda

I guess it depends how important sex and affection are to you.

If my OH pushed me away when I got frisky he'd be living somewhere else by now.

Maybe there are other issues - could he be gay? Could he be on the autistic spectrum?

Your problem as I see it is choice. If he's a good bloke in other ways and you don't really need physical affection that much then stay with him.

If you're a passionate person then you really need to find someone else. But don't do it behind his back - finish with him but tell him why. Then find someone else who suits you better and let him do the same.

HTH