declared br today but partner taking it very badly

hanstar

just wandering if anyone one on here has declared themselves bankrupt even when they havent wanted to? (i know no-one wants to go bankrupt!, and we probably all regret getting into debt in the first place), but for example i realise i've gone br for the best and i see it as a fresh start because theres no other way out, however my partner thinks its the end, and it will ruin his life forever) does anyone still regret going br months later?

we were declared bankrupt at 9.38 thismorning, where im relieved its happened my partner is being really negative and is being really nasty to me because he feels i have forced him into going bankrupt when there could have been other options. (although there was no other way out and this is backed up by the cab) (and he has gone br for alot more money than i have)
we agreed together with our cab advisor in march that this is what we were going to do.
im so upset i thought today was going to be a day for a new begining i now feel so down because he is being so horrible to me.
i just hope it wont last and he will see that it was the best thing to do.

msflowerfairy

He will come round, he is probably in a bit of shock since his male pride has taken a knock. It is after all the "man's job" to provide for his family, well that is what a lot of men think, and he is probably feeling a bit battered inside.
He will get over it, you just have to give him time, he will soon realise that you wouldn't have been able to carry on as normal if you hadn't gone BR.

peachyprice

Hi Hanstar,

Everyone takes BR in a different way I'm afraid. It's a very personal thing and I think some men can struggle a lot more than women with the feelings of failure.

At the end of the day you didn't force him into it, you could have gone BR on your own and he could have made his own arrangements for his debts, so deep dowen he must realise it was the right thing to do.

Hopefully he'll get through this very negative phase, and it really isn't an unusual feeling to have, although I appreciate it must be difficult for you when you're not feeling the same.


Hang on in there, hopefully you'll be able to work through this together and he will see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if his tunnel is a little longer than yours.

headoutofsand

It's not going to ruin his life, what was going on before would have. Although I am male it didn't bother me in the slightest (OH not BR) in fact I wanted it to happen so that part of my life ended and a line was drawn.

I am now looking for new opportunity's a million miles away from what I did before, I seen it as a new start after a big mistake, a lesson was learnt. Seven months later I still feel BR was a good move for me, some things for people take time and for others longer, I guess by my nature ,I am one of those who takes things in a less than serious way so I didn't see it as someone else may.

Time is a great healer.

money_penny_26

hi there i can understand your partner,i am in the same position as a wife who did not know how much debt my hubby an i was in.i still feel resentfull to my husband,an we go to court in 2 weeks.the amount that is more is in my name also because of circumstances around a disability.all i can say is understand why your partner is upset,but do as col does with me apologise an talk about the future,and the fresh start you will have.point out that if you hadnt have done this you would be in a worse boat.i think the thing to realise is,that you as my husband ..is releived where as i an your partner are still getting over the shock,please bear with your partner when he has a moan at you,as col does with me when i blame him cos i cant sleep!!i wish you luck an sleepfull nights,an less guilt than you have at moment.he will come round in weeks to come as i know i will. regards penny x

tadsa

I have to say that I felt much the same way as your Partner and still do (and I'm female!).

I went BR last Tuesday and feel such a failure. He is bound to be using you as a "punch bag" - you're his nearest and dearest. I'm sure he will come out of it as I am sure I will too.

While the OR interview is looming - mine is a face to face one on 11 September, I feel as though I cannot possibly draw a line under anything - he may be the same.

Take comfort from people here and give him time. That said - he is a person in his own right and he could have refused - whether you were persuasive or not doesn't really matter. All the very best and keep us posted.

philnicandamy

Hanstar....i'll not really repeat whats already been said

BUT from a male point of view it's more probable stupid pride and your the nearest thing to vent at...I went through bankruptcy myself alone a few years ago..the day I came from court I started to have a go at my OH as well...long story short we had a conversation & she didnt like the person i'd turned into

we both parted for a little while to give each other some space....I realised how stupid i'd been in all of this & we got back together & since then became more closer than ever as well as finding out i'll be a first time dad in a while! life will eventually get better let him handle things in his own way...although i'm not saying he should be like that with you...if he's having a grump just tell him what others have said & just walk into another room he'll accept whats happened eventually trust me!

dalip

I actually think phil it works both ways i still get shirty with my OH cause he never went bc and left me to do it alone.That said i do agree with you it is a male pride thing.
Han
Give him time to accept it...may take a while....but might be worth you telling him you are not his verbal punch bag and to find another way to vent his frustration.You are going through enough without his added fury.Dx

hanstar

thank you so much every one, you are all great and im so gratefull for the advice and pleased to hear some first hand points of view and experiences. i suppose being the first day of bankruptcy everything is still very raw and its gonna take alot of time for my partner to see why it was the best thing to do. i understand why he feels the way he does, i just hoped that on such a stressful day we would be pulling together in the same direction and helping one another as a couple. most of the debts were his tax debts and related debts from a failed business, so i can understand that its harder for him. anyway must keep smiling! and with or without my partner i am looking forward to building a better debt free future. thanks again everyone, you are all fab!!

headoutofsand

He is not alone in his failed business, mine did and many more on here and elsewheres did. Some of it was my fault some others, business is a gamble both for the owner, the banks and for that matter, the tax man. Can I ask if he has ever visited us?

dalip

In that case han i would say he is feeling deeply ashamed,a let down,a failure,ect ect. Give him time girl and try to shut your ears. He must be hurting bad. I know you are too but you know what these men are like.""" me tarzen you jane";).
Maybe after a good nights sleep or a few he will see things differently.Dx