Concerns over possible ABH charge??

ChefBungle

Hi All,

My wife and I have split up and I haven't seen the children for over a month now (9 year old son and 4 year old daughter).

Since I left they have been having nightmares about me "taking them away" and have told my ex they don't want to see me.

However, my ex appears to be taking their side of things completely, and I am a bit concerned that the complete lack of contact is only making things worse - I feel that I am being turned into some kind of "demon" in their eyes and not being given the opportunity to prove that I'm not.

My ex says they have both been to see the doctor and have been referred for some kind of family therapy, which I might be a part of at some point down the line.

My concern is that a "status quo" is beginning to develop, in that I am not seeing or even speaking to the children at all. I have tried sending cards, books and presents - some of them got returned, the others apparently resulted in my daughter being in tears because receiving a card/book upset her.

So I am in two minds at the moment about what to do - I'm not sure if I should press for a contact order through my solicitor, or give them the time and space to hopefully work things through via family therapy.

However, my ex has threatened me with going to the police and getting me charged with ABH. I have asked her a couple of times what she means by this but she refuses to tell me. I think it could be because of 1 of 2 things :

1. My ex and I had a bit of an altercation in a car park around 3 years ago. We were arguing and things got a bit out of hand. I got in my car to drive away (we were out for the day, she had her own car with her), and she came right up to my driver's window after I'd got back in the car and smashed her phone against the window - I thought she was going to break the window, so i got out the car and pushed her away, but she tripped backwards and ended up landing awkwardly on her wrist, unfortunately breaking it in the process. So of course, from that point I had "abused her" and "broken her wrist", despite the fact that was never the intention, I only meant to push her away from me and the car in case she damaged it (which I thought at the time she was pretty intent on doing).

2. I have smacked my son's bottom on a few occasions when he was going through a particularly difficult time in terms of his behaviour - lying about things, stealing things from his classmates at school, stealing things from his little sister. My ex and I tried lots of different things - talking to him, giving him rewards for good behaviour, punishments for bad behaviour, but he still kept doing it so it felt like a last resort to smack him. It was certainly not something I did with any sense of enjoyment, but we were at the end of our tethers with him. There was one occasion when I used a slipper, but it was only for 4 or 5 hits across the bottom. I know smacking children is frowned upon these days, but this was the way I was brought up, and I feel I did it after we had exhausted every other avenue.

So - after all that - my question is what do you think she could be referring to around the ABH thing? If she actually went to the police, could I be in trouble even though (a) was a genuine accident and (b) was reasonable chastisement in my opinion (and no evidence to the contrary)?

Any advice would be much appreciated. It hurts massively to not see my kids and to have no idea about when I will see them again. On the one hand I don't want to come across as pushy by pursuing a contact order, on the other hand I don't want to passively sit around and do nothing and then regret in years to come that I had taken more of an initiative to fight to see them.

Thanks!

RadoJo

Sorry - no advice to offer on the ABH charge, but I just wanted to say that I don't think there's anything 'pushy' about pursuing contact with your children. Allowing your relationship with them to lapse without doing all you can to see them is not a solution to whatever your ex is threatening, and if you have done nothing wrong then you won't have anything to worry about on that front either.
Are you paying maintenance to your ex? I would ensure that you are contributing to their financial support in order to show that you are serious about maintaining a relationship with them.

I have to say, without knowing any of the details apart from what you've written, it sounds like your ex is either encouraging or fabricating the behaviour she has reported to you. How many four year olds care where a present comes from at all, let alone crying over it enough to warrant it being returned? And if they are worried about you taking them away, surely the best way to reassure them would be for you to see them regularly and prove that you are the same Dad they had before. Family therapy may resolve some issues for them, but who knows how long that might take - a month, 8 weeks, a year? Are you prepared to wait that long to see them?
And what if you apply for contact several months down the line and they ask why you haven't before? You'll be relying on your ex to confirm that you were waiting for the therapy to help, and leaving yourself open to misinterpretation.
Good luck - it sounds like you are having a tough time, but don't let your difficulties with your ex impact on your relationship with your kids.

BeenieCat

They're having nightmares? Crying for receiving a present from their dad? Sounds like they're being brainwashed to me.

Sorry it's not helpful, but is it your ex telling you this stuff?

RAS

Hi

In your other thread, you were advised to speak to a lawyer have you done this. If not, please do it this afternoon. I suspect that although you need one who is part of the mediation schem, you need to make sure they will fight your corner if needs be.

Also suggest you go to your local police station and discuss this with them. Likely that there is nothing OH can do but you need to stop her threatening you.

DVardysShadow

RAS wrote: »

Also suggest you go to your local police station and discuss this with them. Likely that there is nothing OH can do but you need to stop her threatening you.

Not wise. The police like 2 things, firstly an easy time where they don't have to do anything and 2nd an easy conviction. So, OP would have to work hard to get their attention, but in doing so would probably end up giving them enough that they would be round to his ex to get a statement. This would be a quicker and more certain way of getting nicked than if the ex went herself to the police.

An exceedingly bad idea. The police are not there to help people, they are there to do the bidding of their political masters and convict people.

Caroline73_2

If you'd hit my son's bottom with a slipper once, let alone four or five times, you wouldn't see him either.

McKneff

My advice, for what its worth, never ever hit a child, you are perpetuating the violence which is exactly what your father did to you and your child will do to your grandchildren, And exactly what would you say to him in say 30 years time if you saw him hitting your grandchildren with an object...........................

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Unfortunately, you are experiencing what is known as consequences of your actions. You could well have traumatised your children enough to make them terrified of you. I note that you beat the boy when you were at the end of your tether. And your ex received a broken wrist when you decided to get out of a car in which you were leaving and pushed her? !!!!!! were you doing getting out of the car - because you lost it and wanted to go for her, I believe.

I'd have an injunction out against anyone that behaved like this.

BeenieCat

Caroline73 wrote: »

If you'd hit my son's bottom with a slipper once, let alone four or five times, you wouldn't see him either.

I got the impression from the first post that this was done while he was still with the ex though, so a joint decision

Oldernotwiser

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You could well have traumatised your children enough to make them terrified of you. .

For heaven's sake, get a grip! Smacking may be frowned on for the present but it was the normal method of punishing a child for hundreds of years - children were rarely traumatised by it.

ChefBungle

Hi All,

Thanks for all the replies so far. To reply to some of the points / questions :

1. Yes it is my ex who's telling me all this stuff. I haven't spoken to my son for about 2 months now, I haven't seen my daughter for just over a month. When we spent a day together, we went to the local safari park and had a great time - at no point did I get any indication that she didn't want to spend time with me, quite the opposite actually.

2. Yes I spoke to a lawyer. His advice was to pursue a contact order and he didn't think I should allow a status quo to develop.

3. I didn't want to "go for her". I don't have any issues around anger management! The only reason I pushed my wife was because she almost smashed the window in my car, my only concern was getting her away from me and the car. She clearly wasn't going to let me know, I had to reverse to get out the car park and she wasn't going to let that happen.

4. The bottom smacking was a joint decision as we were both feeling as if we were getting nowhere and there were no real consequences as he didn't seem that bothered about not getting treats, getting sent to his room, etc. So my wife was well aware of it at the time, but is conveniently denying that now.

Any further advice appreciated, thanks.