I wanna be a debt free wanna be but OH won't stop spending!

Glitterari

Hmm, this one just isn't sitting comfortably with me in the slightest bit.

I would echo much of what has been said already.

But if it came to the crunch, would you be prepared to take your daughter and leave him?

We're all hoping he'll have a light bulb moment - but some people have their heads stuck so far down in the sand it'll never come out. Drug use can affect this - ie makes them stick their head in even further.

Quite simply - and put very blunty - I totally admire you for wanting to become debt free and making him debt free. Sadly, I don't think you can make him debt free - from what you have already posted, as soon as he realises there is more money to 'spend' he will spend it. He needs to want to make himself debt free at the end of the day. If you are considering paying off his debts for him (once you've sorted yourself out of course) then I really wouldn't bother because it does not help anyone - least of all him.

He has a problem - an addiction to spending money which he justifies to you by he doesn't go down the pub etc. He needs help for that - but he needs to recognise it first and want to help himself.

Sometimes you want to help people so badly, but you cannot help someone unless they want to be helped or want to change. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want to change. I have been there done that myself.

If I was you - and this might sound harsh, for which I do not apologise, because I think you have to look at it realistically and in the cold light of day IYSWIM - I would separate the finances as much as possible. Try and get your name off that joint account. Open up a separate account for your wages, benefits etc. And they pay off YOUR debts (starting with the highest APR's first of course) but I also suggest you put some money into savings too - yes this will delay your personal DFD but I think this situation is going to blow up in your face - sooner or later if the OH won't change his ways. And in that eventuality...I would personally take my daughter and get the hell out of there. I don't think you have time on your side to pay off all the debts and then save and go if need be.

Just my opinion - so I'm hoping I won't get flamed but I think you need to look at this realistically. You see things very differently when you are on the outside looking it.

Glitterari

And HUGE HUGS by the way - I understand you are in a very difficult situation
C xxx

Marsh_Samphire

Not much to add except hugs and all the best in dealing with this difficult situation. I can only echo what others have said, separate your all your finances so his debt is his problem. If all he wants to do is ebay and smoke weed, what sort of example is that for your children? Good luck and keep us posted.

black-saturn

Could you not change all the bank accounts so that he has no control over them at all and they are in your name only? Then you would be in charge of the finances and he would need your permission to spend anything? My mum did this with my dad years ago when they were in debt. She gives my dad about £3 pocket money every day and she is in charge of all the bills etc. They paid it off really quick and now own 2 houses.

melt71

black-saturn wrote:

Could you not change all the bank accounts so that he has no control over them at all and they are in your name only? Then you would be in charge of the finances and he would need your permission to spend anything? My mum did this with my dad years ago when they were in debt. She gives my dad about £3 pocket money every day and she is in charge of all the bills etc. They paid it off really quick and now own 2 houses.

That would be a great idea but your dad would have had to agree to that change - this guy sounds like he's living on a totally different planet, probably due to the weed he's smoking.

I'm with the previous poster that advised you to seperate as much as you possible can and look after YOUR financial security, because quite frankly he doesn't sound like he gives a toss about the serious stuff if he's happy to blow that much money on toys!

Look after yourself and your daughter and let him sort himself out. You can't help people that don't want to be helped!

BertieMeldrew

You deserve better... far better! He doesn't deserve you!

Have you given him an ultimatum - even if you don't mean it! Tell him that you can't continue to live like this and that if he doesn't change you'll leave him.

Good luck...

roswell

if the seperating of accounts doesnt do the trick move out

chardonnay_2

hi, it is easy to be removed from a joint account - you just have to write a letter to the bank requesting it to be operated solely in the name of x but you both have to sign it.

are you near the od limit - you can ask the bank to reduce it so he can't run up any more debt.

whose name is the ebay a/c in? if it is yours you could cancel it.
start selling his stuff on ebay if he goes through phases sell the stuff he is fed up with.

his he the additional cardholder on any of your c/c accounts if so cancel his cards - don't let him add to your debt.

if he wants nice things he has to get a better job or sell off his stuff to pay for it.

the weed habit will also have an effect on you & your daughters health.

good luck

Ordinary_Joe

Ona slightly different tangent do you think he could be suffering from depression. I only ask because I've seen depressed people go out and indulge themselves shopping almost to pretend that they haven't got a problem.

Does he realise that a lot of designer gear on Ebay is knock off junk put together in a small factory - hence some of the ridiculous prices

Also I'm I'm wondering if thats the case because he's a grown man going out to buy toys. He really sounds like he needs help.

Getting him to admit all this is a totally different thing however.

Good luck with whatever you have to do.

silverelephant

I agree with most of the advice given already but the one thing I picked up on is that YOU are paying for all the childcare????? Why is he not contributing to half?

Or if he's sitting on his !!!!!! all day and not going to work anyway make him watch the kiddy and save money by not having to pay the childminder.

Sorry if that sounds a little harsh but I am assuming it's his child too so therefore you are BOTH responsible.

Can I also ask: How would he react if you took say £200 from the joint account (and secretly stashed it for you and your child) and told him you had "spent" it on clothes/groceries/something the kid needs? I'm not saying that retaliation is the way to go but would he take it as well as you seem to when he does it? Also if you did it there would be less there for him IYSWIM. Not advice by any means, just a "wondering"

More than anything you must protect yourself and your child for the future regardless of whether you see him as part of that or not. BIG HUGS