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Advice needed about my mother
Horasio
Posts: 6,676 Forumite
My mother was bereaved last month. My stepdad was 95, so no great surprise but still sad.
We helped my mother with the arrangements and did/do what we could to help her emotionally and physically.
We live close by and take her out and do errands for her.
When my OH lost his job, we relocated down south because we like it and to help her. We are trying to set up a business from scratch and combine helping her and to enjoy life.
We understand, she is feeling strange and upset at times due to her bereavement, so allowing for some strange moods.
Last night, however, she really hurt me and my OH.
Our son is spending money like confetti and getting into more and more debt. My mother's income has plummeted since my stepdad's death. My mother has been very generous to our son as she had the means to do so. He did not take good care of his gifts and just bought him new ones. She got a lump sum of money and has used it to to pay off some bills my son should have saved up to pay for. When he has spare money, he spends it on luxuries and doesn't budget for bills. He had his mobile phone stolen and failed to report it asap, so a huge bill was clocked up on our account. He sees excess money as spending money and forget the bills, granny will bail him out.
My mother also gave us some money for a rainy day when she had money to spare. We have offered it back to her recently but she refused.
My mother has constantly moaned about our son's attitude to money and we suggested courses of action. She never listens and keeps on moaning. Every time we see her, she moans. She was like this before my stepdad's death.
She never wants to mix with people, so we are her social life. I suggested she try and find friends as well, in case we have to leave the area for work.
My son likes it here and won't get qualified or move area to do better/get more money at work. He wants to have a good time and impress people who are younger or worse off than him.
She has interpreted our suggestions as us trying to stop her spending money on our son so we inherit it.
I am worried he is going to bleed her dry, till she has nothing for her to live on, never mind what we may benefit from.
She said she wanted to put her flat in his name. He is currently renting and has been thrown out of his last home due to his noisy mates disturbing the neighbours.
She has asked for the money she gave us back. She gave us the money 4 years ago.
Can anyone advise me what to do?
We helped my mother with the arrangements and did/do what we could to help her emotionally and physically.
We live close by and take her out and do errands for her.
When my OH lost his job, we relocated down south because we like it and to help her. We are trying to set up a business from scratch and combine helping her and to enjoy life.
We understand, she is feeling strange and upset at times due to her bereavement, so allowing for some strange moods.
Last night, however, she really hurt me and my OH.
Our son is spending money like confetti and getting into more and more debt. My mother's income has plummeted since my stepdad's death. My mother has been very generous to our son as she had the means to do so. He did not take good care of his gifts and just bought him new ones. She got a lump sum of money and has used it to to pay off some bills my son should have saved up to pay for. When he has spare money, he spends it on luxuries and doesn't budget for bills. He had his mobile phone stolen and failed to report it asap, so a huge bill was clocked up on our account. He sees excess money as spending money and forget the bills, granny will bail him out.
My mother also gave us some money for a rainy day when she had money to spare. We have offered it back to her recently but she refused.
My mother has constantly moaned about our son's attitude to money and we suggested courses of action. She never listens and keeps on moaning. Every time we see her, she moans. She was like this before my stepdad's death.
She never wants to mix with people, so we are her social life. I suggested she try and find friends as well, in case we have to leave the area for work.
My son likes it here and won't get qualified or move area to do better/get more money at work. He wants to have a good time and impress people who are younger or worse off than him.
She has interpreted our suggestions as us trying to stop her spending money on our son so we inherit it.
I am worried he is going to bleed her dry, till she has nothing for her to live on, never mind what we may benefit from.
She said she wanted to put her flat in his name. He is currently renting and has been thrown out of his last home due to his noisy mates disturbing the neighbours.
She has asked for the money she gave us back. She gave us the money 4 years ago.
Can anyone advise me what to do?
An average day in my life:hello: :eek::mad: :coffee::coffee::coffee::T 
:rotfl: :rotfl: 
:eek::mad: :beer:
I am no expert in property but have lived in many types of homes, in many locations and can only talk from experience.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :eek::mad: :beer:I am no expert in property but have lived in many types of homes, in many locations and can only talk from experience.
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Comments
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Hi
Just wondering how old your son is? - as in: is he still quite young or has he reached an age where he "should know better" by now as regards spending his money?
Also re your son: I'm wondering what sort of level of debt he is getting into - hundreds of £s/thousands of £s/tens of thousands of £s and what sort of income level he has to service this debt (ie NMW, reasonable or good)?0 -
Re advice on how to deal with your Mum - I'm not sure that she'll listen to what you're saying about your son and his lack of money sense until SHE comes to HER senses about him.
You say she moans about your son's attitude to money yet she is the one encouraging him because she bails him out.
The idea of putting her flat in his name is appalling - but if she wants to go ahead, what can you do?
I really do think you're banging your head against the proverbial brick wall until either one of them wakes up and smells the coffee.
I'd just make sure that your finances are totally separate so that if the worst happens, you're not dragged down with them.
I read your earlier post about your problems with him just before the funeral.
Re the money - when she gave it to you, was it as a gift or a loan?
If it was a loan, I'd not give it back if you're sure that she'll only [STRIKE]spend[/STRIKE] waste it on your son/her grandson.
Are you even in a position to give her the money back?
Tough love is the way to go, I think.
Good luck with this one.0 -
Do you have a good relationship with your son, can you speak to him and say that you don't think what he is doing is fair taking money off his grandma especially now that her income is seriously reduced and he is old enough to be able to sort out his own problems /bills / debts? (If he's old enough to live on his own he's old enough to take responsibility for himself)0
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My mother was bereaved last month. My stepdad was 95, so no great surprise but still sad.
We helped my mother with the arrangements and did/do what we could to help her emotionally and physically.
We live close by and take her out and do errands for her.
When my OH lost his job, we relocated down south because we like it and to help her. We are trying to set up a business from scratch and combine helping her and to enjoy life.
We understand, she is feeling strange and upset at times due to her bereavement, so allowing for some strange moods.
Last night, however, she really hurt me and my OH.
Our son is spending money like confetti and getting into more and more debt. My mother's income has plummeted since my stepdad's death. My mother has been very generous to our son as she had the means to do so. He did not take good care of his gifts and just bought him new ones. She got a lump sum of money and has used it to to pay off some bills my son should have saved up to pay for. When he has spare money, he spends it on luxuries and doesn't budget for bills. He had his mobile phone stolen and failed to report it asap, so a huge bill was clocked up on our account. He sees excess money as spending money and forget the bills, granny will bail him out.
My mother also gave us some money for a rainy day when she had money to spare. We have offered it back to her recently but she refused.
My mother has constantly moaned about our son's attitude to money and we suggested courses of action. She never listens and keeps on moaning. Every time we see her, she moans. She was like this before my stepdad's death.
She never wants to mix with people, so we are her social life. I suggested she try and find friends as well, in case we have to leave the area for work.
My son likes it here and won't get qualified or move area to do better/get more money at work. He wants to have a good time and impress people who are younger or worse off than him.
She has interpreted our suggestions as us trying to stop her spending money on our son so we inherit it.
I am worried he is going to bleed her dry, till she has nothing for her to live on, never mind what we may benefit from.
She said she wanted to put her flat in his name. He is currently renting and has been thrown out of his last home due to his noisy mates disturbing the neighbours.
She has asked for the money she gave us back. She gave us the money 4 years ago.
Can anyone advise me what to do?
I think the problem here is your son and your relationship with him. Your mother won't listen to you and any attempts trying to change her will make matters far worse, therefore you need to tell your son to start acting his age, get some qualification and stop taking everyone for a ride.0 -
Hi CC theres a couple of issues here. !) mum is old and recently bereaved which may mean as you say you have to put up with some funny moods. however old people have thought patterns that tend to be a bit different anyway. They often know they cant take the money with them and they also know that they may have to go into a nursing home which means they may have to give property to the government or pay for expensive care. It is not uncommon for them to want to help grand children.My mother was bereaved last month. My stepdad was 95, so no great surprise but still sad.
We helped my mother with the arrangements and did/do what we could to help her emotionally and physically.
We live close by and take her out and do errands for her.
When my OH lost his job, we relocated down south because we like it and to help her. We are trying to set up a business from scratch and combine helping her and to enjoy life.
We understand, she is feeling strange and upset at times due to her bereavement, so allowing for some strange moods.
Last night, however, she really hurt me and my OH.
Our son is spending money like confetti and getting into more and more debt. My mother's income has plummeted since my stepdad's death. My mother has been very generous to our son as she had the means to do so. He did not take good care of his gifts and just bought him new ones. She got a lump sum of money and has used it to to pay off some bills my son should have saved up to pay for. When he has spare money, he spends it on luxuries and doesn't budget for bills. He had his mobile phone stolen and failed to report it asap, so a huge bill was clocked up on our account. He sees excess money as spending money and forget the bills, granny will bail him out.
My mother also gave us some money for a rainy day when she had money to spare. We have offered it back to her recently but she refused.
My mother has constantly moaned about our son's attitude to money and we suggested courses of action. She never listens and keeps on moaning. Every time we see her, she moans. She was like this before my stepdad's death.
She never wants to mix with people, so we are her social life. I suggested she try and find friends as well, in case we have to leave the area for work.
My son likes it here and won't get qualified or move area to do better/get more money at work. He wants to have a good time and impress people who are younger or worse off than him.
She has interpreted our suggestions as us trying to stop her spending money on our son so we inherit it.
I am worried he is going to bleed her dry, till she has nothing for her to live on, never mind what we may benefit from.
She said she wanted to put her flat in his name. He is currently renting and has been thrown out of his last home due to his noisy mates disturbing the neighbours.
She has asked for the money she gave us back. She gave us the money 4 years ago.
Can anyone advise me what to do?
However your son needs to learn how to deal with debt and that he wont get bailed out all the time. I think you need long chat with mum because if she just puts flat in his name it will only be seen as a doge for tax reasons unless she pays him full market rent.
Also you need to discuss her bailing him out and one of the best things I use is a seeded idea where in effect you get the person to do something that they think was their idea and the best way to do this is in conversation to her drop in something like " well he is like this because he knows you will always bail him out" but as soon as you have said it you must change the subject and talk about something else so that your words can fester in her mind for a while.
as for the money she gave you I would say you used it to build up your business..
It sounds as if you have to be cruel to be kind to your son. let him have a bit of hardship and see if he grows up a bit.Who I am is not important. What I do is.0 -
She said she wanted to put her flat in his name. He is currently renting and has been thrown out of his last home due to his noisy mates disturbing the neighbours
Could you get it across to her that if she does this and has to move into residential care putting her flat in his name will count as 'deprivation of assets' and she wil have to fund her stay there herself ? More info on this on the Age Concern website..................
....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)0 -
Could you sit DS down and talk it through (with bills etc (evidence as such)) with Nan there?Aim - BUYING A HOUSE :eek: by November 2013!Saved = 100% on 03/07/12 :j0
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We have tried discussing financial issues with our son and my mother. Our son (aged 21) gets huffy and angry about it. My mother moans about it, yet bails him out. I was expressing my concern about how the money was for her, not for him to squander.
She reacted as if I am trying to sort this for my own ends, rather than to help them.
My OH and I have taken time to help and support them and now she has turned on us.
As another poster said, my son reacted disgracefully about his mobile phone bill last month and didn't turn up for the funeral as a result.
My OH tried to reason with her and she kept on talking over him, then she slapped him.
Things were said last night by her that can't be unsaid.
She spent all evening moaning about our son, we asked her what the best course of action was and she didn't reply and kept moaning. Then she asked for our money back which was a gift, then said she was going to put her flat in our son's name. We have the money available to give back.
Our son's attitude to money is
We saved for him since birth for a deposit on a house which he spent in a year.
He had an interest free student overdraft which is about to expire and acrue interest. He was meant to go to the bank with my mother last Saturday so she could pay it it. He couldn't be bothered to turn up and stayed in bed all morning instead. It is about £2000.
He earns about £16000 and my mother pays half his rent (£700) which leaves the rest for him to pay his bills - there are some that go out on direct debit but anything else is spent on luxuries, then he pleads poverty. She has paid £600 for his car insurance and is waiting on the deposit (she paid) from the last property he was thrown out of. Of course, they are complaining it was left in a bad condition. She is trying to sort that for him. He has no idea about budgeting and life to him is work, having fun and sleeping it off.
He neglected his cat. As he is now in a flat, we have taken on his cat who was infested with fleas. He is OK now but two years ago he got the cat without realising it was a long term commitment, so has had to move with him or be with us.
We can put some of her misery down to the bereavement and her age (77) but she has been moaning like this for years and spoiling our son since he was born when she looked after him.
Her health is OKish but she has had problems with her kidney (she has one only). We have taken her to the hospital and doctors to help her. We have helped her out with other problems she needed help with.
I had a dreadful night and feel ill and depressed today as a result.An average day in my life:hello: :eek::mad: :coffee::coffee::coffee::T :rotfl: :rotfl: :eek::mad: :beer:
I am no expert in property but have lived in many types of homes, in many locations and can only talk from experience.0 -
I know this is extremely difficult for you to do but you cannot win in this situation.
You either keep your mouth shut or you will be the bad one.
As for her slapping your OH etc - I think lost of contact for little might sort her head out.
Her behavious is disgusting (as is your son's) and she has obviously no respect for you at all. Nothing can excuse that. Not even bereavement.0 -
Poor you CCStar, your son sounds like a right handful. Im only 23 myself and Im of the opinion that at his(our) age there isnt much you can do to change his opinion or behaviour, he will have to learn himself that he is making mistakes.
I agree with Any, as much as it hurts your gonna have to take a step back from the both of them, of course be supportive and provide information that you can, but you cant do any more. Sounds like my family, stubborn (no offense of course). Aim - BUYING A HOUSE :eek: by November 2013!Saved = 100% on 03/07/12 :j0
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