Smothered & Mollycoddled

x-cupcake-x

I don't really know what to say
When you do go out could you turn your mobile off or put it on silent? Or would that cause more problems?

Also with the shopping is there any possibility you can get to the shops more often so that you haven't got so much food in the house.

Takoda

There's a lot of good advice already in the replies you've received. I just wanted to add my good wishes and the hope that everything works out well for you.

ElliotReid

x-cupcake-x wrote: »

I don't really know what to say
When you do go out could you turn your mobile off or put it on silent? Or would that cause more problems?

Also with the shopping is there any possibility you can get to the shops more often so that you haven't got so much food in the house.

It would be nice but if she rang me whilst she was out and I didn't answer she'd keep trying my mobile (cheaper 02-02 calls) and ring the house phone till i answered - ditto if I was out.

Thank you very much to you both

Nixxx

Hi Elliot

I think you need to take better control of the situation. As present it seems that your mum is controlling everything. Perhaps speak to your sister inlaw for help and advice as she seems to have the voice you are looking for. Your mum can only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. I'm sorry to say but i think your mum is being selfish and you both need external support and advice. You alone are responsible for your happiness and your mum seems like she needs to realise this. I also think you should perhaps get another opinion from a different doctor (or specialist) if you are not entirely happy with your current doctor. I also don't understand how you mum is able to spend your funds? Does she have access to your accounts?

I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh but that wasn't my intention. I do really wish you all the best and hope that you realise that YOU can change your situation and not expect your mum to change.

clairehi

Hi Elliot

You love your mum, but this is not a healthy relationship for either of you. You are now an adult but you are acting like a child who has to obey/please the grownup. Your mum has manipulated you into this, but you have the power to recognise this and say no.

Before you were born she was an adult who took care of herself (or should have), and she still should be able to. You can walk away, and it would be better for you if you did. She is not doing what a good mother should in dragging you down like this.

Please, find the inner strengh to recognise this, and find someone to talk through your own plans, hopes and fears with. Find your own way and then maybe if you can, you can help your mum.

C x

tara747

Big hug Elliott, I'm sure you are having a tough time. You sound like a thoroughly decent person who is just trying to do the best by everyone and feeling guilty about your mum.

It sounds like your mum knows your good nature and is playing on it. I second the advice given here - you have to stand up to her and gently ease your way to independence. Life is for living and you deserve a chance of happiness.

I wish you all the best - keep us posted xo

angel00079

Have you spoken to your mum about things? Do you think she has a reason to keep calling? If you understand why so does what she does you may be able to help. Perhaps after your dad died she is frightened of something happening to you and she finds an excuse to call.

From what you have said your mum is in a rut and seems to be dragging you into it. I may have misinterpreted what you have said but has your mum lost pride in the house? It is just that you mentioned the bathroom and the house is messy. If you want to sort things out but she doesn't, it is not going to work. Has there always been microwaved food or just slipped into this? At the end of the day not having a cooker not an issue in itself but as you mentioned it, is this a way that life has changed?

Getting a extra share of the food, do you think this is lack of self control, getting one over on you or because she had gone without food in the past?

Has the hoarding got worse? If there was so much stuff that the builders could not work I am guessing that it probably not easy with day to day stuff. Is there an area that could be sorted out to give her a kick start? What does she think about all the stuff? Would it work if you said that by having so much stuff she devalues what she has i.e. so much stuff that cannot appreciate it? As you mum is into computers do you think she might be into selling some stuff on eBay? It might be a confidence boost for her if things sold well. On the other hand there are some muppets on eBay so she may not be able to handle complaints and you would get sucked in. I guess you would know if it would help her or not.

I recently realised that I had too much stuff as I delayed sorting things. It was pointed out to me but I did not take this well as I thought that they were having a go. Rome was not build in a day. When sorting out I kept things I didn't need. I went back to them and got rid off them without feeling I had lost something. It is more likely to work if you mum has the idea to have a sort out, even if she thinks it is hers but really yours.

It sounds like the boundaries in the relationship are not as they should be. You are an adult and should be able to get up what time you want and get back when you want within reason. We all have to make comprises but it sounds like they are all on your side.

Has your mum always been like this or is has she been like this since your dad died? She may need help if her life is off track or she may just be manipulating you. It would be easy for one of us to say you should make a stand but she is your mum so you are bound to feel guilty. She may need help that you cannot give her. Does you mum think that things are as they should?

You said that she is not a peoples person. Is this because she cannot relate to people or because she keeps them at arms length? If it is the latter is it because someone has let her down in the past?

It sounds like things cannot keep going on as they are. I think you need to spell things out for your mum. At the moment it sounds like you are in a vicious circle that needs to be broken. If she is incapable of living on her own (from an emotional point of view) this needs to be addressed, perhaps help from a third party. As she cares for your Granddad this could suggest that is manipulating you. On the other hand if you are on the other end of the phone or dealing with things this means she does not have to do it on her own. I think it would be easier to have a plan if you knew which.

If she is manipulating you I think she needs to know she runs the risk of losing both your brother and yourself. Unfortunately a clean break may be the only way. Do you think that there is something you could put you foot down with? If she suggests you are stabbing her in the back perhaps point out this does not mean you care any less for her. Perhaps try small things at first so she does not feel too hard done by.

Things are not going to change unless you do something. It does not sound like your mum is going to change, so it has to be you. You need to do something for your sake and perhaps hers. It sounds like your brother and his fiance could help, especially the fiance. Most would have given up on your mum but it sounds like she wants to help. As I said before I know it is easier said than done as emotions are involved. I think that by posting this thread it may have made you analyse things as you have had to explain things to a third party. It may be helpful if you think what advice you would give if a friend was in your situation.

Good luck and best wishes.