Smothered & Mollycoddled

ElliotReid

Hello,

I apologise now for how long this is but I have to vent before I explode. If anyone can give advice I’d be so grateful.

I’m 24, single and childless. It’s just me and my mum, my father passed away when I was 18. My brother lives away, we don’t see him that much (all of twice a year) and he is getting married next year, my mum doesn’t like his fianc!e and has forced her opinion of her on to me (admittedly she doesn’t treat him as well as she could but I’ve not been able to form a proper opinion of her as I haven’t really spent a big amount of time with her and I’m not really confident.)

Mum goes on and on about how little she sees my (brother) and how little he responds to messages/emails etc, but she doesn’t make an effort aside from emailing him links and things and when he rings she struggles for things to say to him. She won’t go down to see him as she doesn’t like the fianc!e and has ended up in tears after a show down between them (fianc!e is not a bad person, just knows her own mind and is v confident, something mum isn’t. She doesn’t get why mum constantly puts herself down and is always so afraid of everything – she wants her to stand up for herself too but she won’t and it just ends in misery.) She sounds off at me and puts me in the middle about how she’s not going to go to the wedding and I can’t handle them both digging away at me, it puts me under stress and then I can’t sound off and my heart already can’t take it.

She is the carer for my granddad as and when he wants something, he’s getting downhill fast and is not really a nice man sometimes as much as it pains me to say it. He was awful to my gran and he has and keeps drinking heavily, he’s not happy with just one or two drinks, he has to drink until he’s legless. There is no other family that I can turn to.

Mum doesn’t like going out and meeting people, I can’t get her into classes at an evening school or even to go out to the pub as not only can we not really afford it, she is not a people person and will actively avoid people. Her only real interests are computers and Photoshop. When she goes out to look in the second hand shops/do things she rings me every touch and turn and it really stresses me out sometimes as it’s over really unimportant stuff. If she’s out for an hour she can ring me approx 5 or so times and I really wish that was an exaggeration.

We are low on funds too – we average approx £170 a week income to pay all bills, I get £70 a week (that’s included in the 170 figure) income support because I am unable to work due to a heart problem. All the money I bring in goes on food and household bits (cleaning, pet foods for the 2 dogs and vet bills etc) and so I have no savings and cannot afford to have any. We have no cooker, just a fridge, freezer and microwave so that is why the shopping is a bit high. She eats all the food within days, if I buy 2 packs of scones she will eat 6 in a day, if I buy a bag of 10 crisps she will eat at least 7 – there’s no spacing it out to last the fortnight before I get some more money. If I don’t step in and eat regardless of whether or not I want to (or shamefully hide stuff so I can actually have some) I don’t get.

I tried to do a degree and managed the work fine but the actual exertion of getting there and doing a placement did for me and I had to leave under instruction of my doctor and sign back onto the benefits. It’s now September again (well almost) and I’m looking to do a degree with the OU and all the paperwork is at the various stages and fingers crossed will come through alright and I’ve moved my credits across all being well to help with my OU degree.

I did run up a fair bit of debt before and during the first year of my degree and I am now under the restrictions of a DRO as I had no reasonable prospect of paying it back because of plummeting back to the limited income. Whilst I am grateful for it and I totally accept it’s my fault (Well, not completely. About a third of the debt in my name was also down to my mum as she had things from it and kept asking for more), it has left my credit report shot to pieces and will even more in the 12 months where it’ll be all scrubbed off providing there are no changes in circumstances and then obviously the next 6 years after.

I am so smothered, I can’t go out and meet friends because of my health and I’m too ashamed to have them here because the house is in a real mess and she will not do anything about it with me. I regularly clean the bathroom but it really knocks me off my feet and by the time I feel up to continuing it’s all messed up again. She hordes stuff things are packed in boxes and it’s ridiculous, she won’t help me sort it out. If I do go out I have to be home by 8(!!!) and she makes comments about how I’ve left her on her own. She does everything for me and I can’t develop any independence. She takes the bits of money I have left over for myself (and I’m fully expecting her to want a large proportion of the 260 grant from the OU) and goes out to spend them on rubbish in the second hand shops (she doesn’t always ask if she can), if I ask her to bring things in (like food wise) and I can’t get out to get it and give her the money, she will sometimes spend part of the money I’ve given her on something from a second hand shop and we’re playing catch up all week trying to make the food last.

I have tried to move out before, when I started my degree I was offered a place living with a young lady who had development problems, it was great for my course, it fitted in perfectly, it was free bills and free accommodation and I would have gotten paid a few hours a week to help her plan out her week, support any issues, help budget, help do the shopping etc. It sounded lovely and she sounded really nice and I was all set to do it, but I got tears and guilt trips from my mum, it caused a row because SHE did not want me to go and live with someone else to support her, she wanted me to do my own thing (ha!) and I had to cancel my meeting with her care giver because she just kept on raging at me.

Everytime I broach the subject I get told how she would have to cancel the sky (we only have a basic package and sky talk to get free landline calls all day/evening, I’ve offered to do the leg work to cancel it so we can have an ariel fitted for freeview (a little indoor one doesn’t work) after a couple of months and I just get snapped at) and the internet and everything.

I… I really need some independence and I’m hitting a brick wall. Please, what can I do?

gorgeouslatinrose

Awwwwww ( hugs) couldnt just read and run.
Im sure someone else will come along and give much better advice, but by the sounds of it, you really need to get out and start living. Of course thats easy for me to say that, it sounds like a difficult process but it could work. Have you contacted the universitys for support ? The disability parts of universities are amazing and they would be able to give you some advice. Have you tried asking your brother for some help, not sure if he could talk to your mum for you or invite you to stay with him so you can have some time to sort things out and clear your head to plan the next steps.
Good luck x

Marcheline

Hi Elliot,

I think that you need to develop your own self confidence before you consider moving out, because if you don't your mother will manipulate you into returning home. It might be an idea to get your mum to attend some confidence building classes too, as she might feel less scared about venturing out on her own and developing herself with more confidence.

You could maybe look at finding out local computing courses for your mum, she might be more willing to go if she knows she'll be meeting like-minded people?

You don't specify your exact disability, but I was wondering whether you would have a local/national support group for people with it? This might give you another outlet for the issues you are experiencing.

In the meantime, if you do stay at home, I would start by telling your mum that she can't keep eating all the stuff you buy. I mean, the odd scone is not a problem, but the whole pack is excessive! I would hide it from her too if I were you. It's not shameful for you to hide it, it's shameful for her to be eating so much of it that you HAVE to hide it!

It might also be an idea to contact the Open University Disability Service http://www.open.ac.uk/disability/ to see whether they can support you in any other way, so that you don't have to give up your course again.

The final thing I would say is DON'T GIVE UP ANY MORE WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES BECAUSE OF YOUR MUM'S GUILT TRIPS! You will regret it. Stay strong and positive and try not to let her hold you back!

kpey

Got to be quick, but *big hug* and as a quick answer, you cannot be held to ransom by your Mum. You have to live your life for you and no one else. Sure, I think families should help each other out of course, but you cannot be expected to put your whole life on hold to help her. I am sure there are ways you can make sure your mum gets what she needs too, someone will be along soon to give you much more informed answers than I can but I just wanted to say something!

K XX

LittleBit_2

I'm sorry I don't really have much advice to offer, but I'm sure that if you moved out your mum would be entitled to some more help with the bills and stuff.
I think you really need to grab some independance for yourself if you don't want to end up resenting your mum.
Anyway hugs and I hope someone can offer some more advice x

ceridwen

Yep - I'll join the consensus of opinion here - another vote for "you have to get out from under" - ie leave your mothers house.

You dont want to be sitting there in your mothers house 10 years down the line and she is still pulling "guilt trips" on you. Time to get those "wings" of yours "flying".

Good luck.

annasbee

Having experienced many years of being bullied by a narcisistic (google narcisism) mother I have finally managed to break away. I left home initially at 15 because of her, but of course went back as I couldnt manage alone with no income. Eventually I got married for all the wrong reasons at 18 and was divorced at 20. Married really only to get out of her way. Second marriage she tried to interfere and offer her opinions and criticisms constantly. If she didnt get her own way she would sulk and make cutting remarks. This has continued for many many years, I am now 54 and have finally realised that I NEED A LIFE !!! I only visit twice a week for half an hour at a time, I walk out if she makes any nasty remarks and she knows exactly where she stands with me.
You must not allow this woman to ruin your very young life that is so full of wonderful adventures and experiences. My guess is that she only dislikes your brothers fiance because she is jealous of the attention he gives her. Go stay with your brother, and ask for his help, I am sure he will support you but please please please - dont stay at home with her out of guilt. I learnt a very important rule when I researched narcisism. We have a responsibility ONLY to our children, anyone else we take on board we do so out of choice. Live by that rule, you wont regret it.
I hope you will find the strength to move on and if you want to chat more please PM me.
Anna x x x

Lakelady_2

Hello there.
I wonder if you are getting the correct level of benefits and help. Have you been into the Job Centre or CAB for advice? The JC have been very good with my DH and offered a counselling service and other help, I was impressed with the service.
I wouldn`t suffer alone - find someone to talk to - you are young and deserve the best out of life.

tesuhoha

One thing I would say is when you go shopping, dont buy scones and crisps etc. Buy fruit, bread, salad, lean meat to the value of what you are spending on those items. I bet your mum wont scoff all the fruit and if you have a heart problem you should be eating more healthily.

mountainofdebt

yes the problem lies with your mum but I'm wondering if the problem actually is that she is scared of being alone, should you decide to live independently?

I'm not defending her but is it a case that she used you as an emotional crutch when your dad died and has become so used to that crutch that the thought of it not being there frightens her, especially as her life is empty, only having to look after her abusive father ?

I full understand why you can't get her to go to evening classes.....it takes alot of guts for someone like your mum to walk into a room full of strangers - so why not go with her to a class? I did this with my mum and it helped both me and her.

Has your mum alsway been a hoarder? The reason I ask is that mum had a friend who got quite messy in her habits when her husband died for a number of years and it was only when she dealt with her grief that things turned around

X

ElliotReid

Firstly, thank you all so much, just venting has really helped.

gorgeouslatinrose:
My brother and I don't have a fantastic relationship, we do get on, we just aren't close. Whilst it is getting better, it doesn't help that we don't see each other that much or talk over MSN or anything.
The way uni's see it (well, my local college was where I started my degree, this one is with the OU) that I don't have an actual disability. Yes it affects my mobility (a chamber of my heart doesn't work correctly) and I am always lethargic and tired, I'm not physically or mentally disabled, but I do have a short term memory problem which is seriously bad, I can be writing something off a board and by the time i'm 2 words in I've forgotten what the chuff I'm writing!

Marcheline:
You're not wrong, I do need to develop my self confidence. I think the way things are going I'm going to wait for the 12 months of my DRO to finish and then I'll be affectively debt free and in the mean time I'll try and save up for a deposit and get myself on the housing authority registers and see what can happen. The problem with getting to classes is that I'm so lethargic that I can barely get out of bed. I assess myself as depressed too, but that's my opinion and not that of a doctor, my GP has been our family doctor for years and whilst he is a lovely man, he just passes everything off as a weight complaint, no matter what you've gone to se ehim about and it's the same for most people who go to see him from what I've heard.
Mum did a photoshop evening class a while back (07 i think it was) she didn't mix with the people, she just did the course and left as soon as she could at the end of it. That's how it would always be sadly, she'd just lock herself in the house if she could.
I wasn't too worried about her eating them, it sounds petty in a way, I'm not begrudging her them, but out of 2 packets of 4 there was 6 gone within 10 hours - and it meant that there was nothing to have as a treat spaced out through the week like I'd hoped - and it was just the straw that broke the camels back as it were.

Kpey:
Thenk you so much

LittleBit:
Thank you Unfortunatley all mum is entitled to is just 88 pound a week, we query it regularly and it's what we're told the government have set for people to live and run houses on and she gets 100 as she has carers and a pension from my dads employers.
I am starting to resent her a little, my brother has been on about her going over there for ages and I just want him to hurry up and ask her to go so I can have the house to myself with the pups and just chill for a bit with noone else.

ceridwen:
Thank you

Annasbee:
I have thought of escaping like you had, I even wanted to break away one night without telling her. I still think of changing my name and disappearing when I do get out but that's just me reacting to being so closed in for so long, I wouldn't do it. I do love her, these past 6 years it's been me and her but she doesn't LISTEN when I try and help her either, she has a small (and I mean very small ) amount of debt and she goes on about 'baliffs' coming to take the house off her and I tell her it won't happen and what to do to sort it but she just does not listen and won't even entertain it, she just likes to go on and on and on about it and think the worst consequences nad won't do a thing to help herself. It falls to me to make all her phone calls when ringing places like Sky/etc and I write all her letters too. I try and get her to have a bit of independance and she just won't grasp it. I forced her to ring the CCcS and she just went totally off the rails crying at the woman and was still certain they were going to take the house (noone is!). I was hitting a brick wall and needed someone else (the CCCS to talk to her and explain it rather than me doing everythingg and it just didn't work. Hell, I refused to ring sky once for her over a petty problem and got her to do it - yuou'd have thought I'd called her names! I was just trying to get her to stand up for herself.
I really have had no form of life I went to school, I did 6th form, dad died, spent a period unemployed, got a job, got ill, started a degree and then had to leave cos got worse and here I am today. I haven't experienced anything, never been on holiday or anything like that.
My brothers fiancee is a very strong and forthright woman, she is always right -in a way she's a bit like me, she tries to get mum to not put herself down and constantly back away things and not seize life. I'm not as forward or outspoken as the fiancee but I do think a lot of the things she does.
Thank you for your kind offer too

Lakelady:
We're getting everything we're entitled to sadly. I didn't appeal my DLA, I wish I had. I must look into that. I'm a bit like her in that i'm very closed off too - counselling to me is a horrible horrible thought, I couldn't open up to a person. Hell, doing this is killing me enough, I've almost asked for the thread to be deleted a few times. Our CAB is atrocious as you have to queue to get an appointment and then you go away and come back for your appointment. I'm really not in the right health for it at all I couldn't stand out there all the time as my mobility is very weak.

tesuhoha:
We don't often buy crisps and scones and stuff, it was something to try and give an example with. The scones were the first time I'd bought them in a long while - I remember why now. TBH she's not really picky whatever it is foodwise, she'll eat the lion share of it.

mountainofdebt:
I'd agree with that, as much as she hates interacting with people, she has relied on me and me alone for the past 6 years as I've been the only constant. there isn't anyone else, the only one cousin we are remotely close to she moans about all the time...! Not a chance of involving her.
I thought I'd gotten through to her a while back about the house and she did throw some things out - we had builders in doing a grant and they couldn't work through the crap laying round so it had to be carted around and a lot dumped but now she's not got that hanging over her she's not continud the good work, all the hoarding is still there. She owns the house and I dread it when she passes away and it falls to me and my brother and we have to empty it and then get it back up to scratch (I don't mean that how it sounds!) She's always been a hoarder, my lovelylovely gran was a hoarder too, it's continued from there I guess.
If i did move out I wouldn't leave her. I think she'd ring me all the time like she does when she was out though
I've offered to go with her, I even offered to take her to the library with me when I did my research for my last degree so she can find a book and have a quiet read or do some research on her photoshop/doing pictures up and just got 'we'll see....'
She even had a go at me for going to the college to do a degree to try and better myself and then moaned when I dropped out on the consultants advice. I can't win.

ETA: I should add that she also comes and wakes me up too, if I can sleep past 9 i'm doing very well! I'm always so tired because of medication and generally having a crap body and I'm never allowed to rest.

Once again, thank you all so much for your help!