Feeling sad

JoW123

Dinah93 wrote: »

It doesn't sound so much that it is the gambling itsself that bothers you, but not having a partner you can trust and rely on. Crying everytime you bring up how unhappy you are is emotional blackmail. You only get one chance at life, and you need to do what you can to be happy.

I'm just getting my head around the emotional blackmail bit myself as I realise he has been doing it for a good while to me without me realising it. Yes the gambling does bother me but you're right its the fact that I cant rely on him at all that has really got to me. I dont see any way out of this other than us seperating.....just not sure how I can get him to go as I think he will keep trying to manipulate me.

yoni_one

JoW123 wrote: »

I'm just getting my head around the emotional blackmail bit myself as I realise he has been doing it for a good while to me without me realising it. Yes the gambling does bother me but you're right its the fact that I cant rely on him at all that has really got to me. I dont see any way out of this other than us seperating.....just not sure how I can get him to go as I think he will keep trying to manipulate me.

You know JoW, you may find it useful contacting your local Women's Aid outreach service for support and information. Manipulation is used as a form of control and is abusive behaviour in a relationship.

Often people blame their own manipulative / controlling behaviour on their other issues, ie addictions / gambling, alcohol / drug misuse etc etc and frequently try and guilt the other person in to accepting, albeit reluctantly, their ongoing behaviour. Also within this process there can be an element of blame too, either blaming their behaviour on their partner or blaming the consequences of that behaviour on their partner, either way not taking responsibility for their actions or the consequence of it.

Always remember that manipulative behaviour is intentional and more often the agenda puts their own best interest first.

It sounds like your partner is putting more effort in to persuading you to stay (guilting you that he can't cope on his own / can't bear to live without the kids) than he is in to dealling with his addiction which is ironic because his chance of you staying may be significantly higher if he put equal effort in to accepting his addiction and addressing it head on.

It isn't your job to put up with the very real consequences of his gambling or the betrayal of trust just so that he doesn't have to cope alone or get to see his children daily.

Unfortunately you can't make him change, but he can, if he feels the rewards will be worth it.

JoW123

Hello again. Managed to talk to partner twice this week about the future. He keeps saying he will leave ' to make me feel better' and if its 'what I want' as he says seeing me looking sad and upset is upsetting him!! I said that I didnt think being sad at times was unreasonable given the extent of what I had found out in the last couple of months. He keeps on saying that I wont cope and he doesnt think I will be any happier if he left. He is totally wrong as although I am devastated at having to break up the home, the lies and continual uncertainty will go and I can concentrate on putting my life back together in some way. I can also see my son becoming anxious and Im sure its not a good situation for the children. I have said that I would want him to play a big part in the childrens life and I certainly dont intent to sour their relationship with him in any way.

I just feel really worried that he is putting the emphasis on me being the one to make all the decisions....or is this just more controlling behaviour? I would appreciate any more advice from anyone as it is so difficult to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of it.

Thank you

ashnojutsu

I don't claim to be any kind of marriage counsellor, but my opinion is thus:

You really need to decide if you want to separate, and if you do, be firm. He may only see you as a source of income for gambling, and he may appear to love the kids, but if he hasn't changed his ways by now, then realistically he never will, and that will impact the life's of the kids in the future. Try and keep it as civil and amicable as possible. Remember, don't feel guilty as you have given him more than enough chances and he has repeatedly wasted them. Tackle the issue now, ignoring it will only make it more painful to deal with in the future.

Errata

I just feel really worried that he is putting the emphasis on me being the one to make all the decisions

So why not make them, before he trashes your children's lives even more ?

JoW123

Errata wrote: »

So why not make them, before he trashes your children's lives even more ?

Okay fair point, but breaking up the home will also have an impact on their lives too, so its not quite as simple as you imply. They will be affected if he leaves, but he fails to see the impact of his behaviour on them with us together so is trying to convince me that I will be upsetting them if I make him leave.

Errata

Jo - the lies he tells and the money he gambles away is already having an impact on their lives. How about a halfway solution with a trial separation ?

MrsE_2

JoW123 wrote: »

Okay fair point, but breaking up the home will also have an impact on their lives too, so its not quite as simple as you imply. They will be affected if he leaves, but he fails to see the impact of his behaviour on them with us together so is trying to convince me that I will be upsetting them if I make him leave.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

No matter how much you want him to stop & no matter how much support you offer him to stop gambling, he has to want it just as much & TBH it doesn't sound like he does.

Its a two fold problem, he has an addiction which is bringing problems to your home & he is lying & deceiving you.

Only you can decide what is right for your family, but he may continue as long as he thinks he can get away with it.

I think he's calling your bluff with the leaving thing.

yoni_one

JoW123 wrote: »

...
He keeps saying he will leave ' to make me feel better' and if its 'what I want' as he says seeing me looking sad and upset is upsetting him!! ...

These comments completely bypass his part in all this and place the responsibility for the consequences OF HIS BEHAVIOUR in your hands.

If he sincerely wants to make you feel better ,and if he really wants you to stop looking sad and upsetting him, then he can start by respecting you and his family and address the real problem.

He keeps on saying that I wont cope and he doesnt think I will be any happier if he left....
On the one hand he says he wont be able to cope if you leave and take your children away, then he twists that to say you wont cope or be any happier. Saying something about you does not make it so as you have already identified.


I just feel really worried that he is putting the emphasis on me being the one to make all the decisions....
He IS putting the emphasis in that direction but you do not have to accept it as fact.

You are not the only one making all the decisions.

He has decisions to make too. If he decides to continue gambling and not to seek help and deceive you then that is his choice. Nobody but him is responsible for that decision.

If you choose to accept it or not is your decision alone.

There is a skill in taking responsibility ONLY for your own decisions.

There is also a skill in guilting others to take the blame for ones own decisions and responsibilities.

To be blunt it sounds like your partner is currently skilled in the latter and it will help you enormously if you can become skilled in the former.

or is this just more controlling behaviour?
Yes, this form of manipulation is a method used to try and keep some level of control over the other person.

He can try all he wants to convince you that leaving would upset the children further, but really that just strengthens your own arguement that his destructive behaviour is the real problem behind all this upset.

JoW123

yoni_one wrote: »

He can try all he wants to convince you that leaving would upset the children further, but really that just strengthens your own arguement that his destructive behaviour is the real problem behind all this upset.

Thank you again yoni_one. It seems so obvious when I look at what you have written. I guess I'm that used to being manipulated that I cant see his behaviour for what it is now. I will stand firm and set a date for him to leave and keep trying to be strong as I know its the right thing to do.