Feeling sad

JoW123

Hello. I'm a regular poster or here but have created a new ID to post as my partner is aware of my user name.

My partner of seven years has run up debts gambling both on-line and in betting shops. I had no idea of the extent of this as he has constantly lied and deceived me but over the last 3 months more and more things have come to light and I cannot and will never be able to trust him again. He tries to justify what he has done by saying its his hobby and he gets enjoyment from it. Have eventually got him to admit he is addicted to gambling and he has said he will access counselling but says there is a waiting list for it. I have no idea whether this is true or not as he often says what he thinks I want to hear. The problem has been compounded by him losing his job 2 months ago so I have been doing extra hours to cover the bills as we have 2 children of 8 and 5. The children have not enjoyed daddy being at home as, whilst he cares for them he is often inconsitant in his approach and will shout at them one minute whilst being very loving the next. I have told him that we have no relationship as he has destroyed all my trust, but he wants us to remain together as he says he could not bear to not see the children daily.

He has left all financial management to me claiming he is useless with money, and indeed struggles to take any sort of responsibility for anything. He has now got a new job and is trying to behave as if everything is okay whilst I am falling apart inside trying to keep everything going. I am desperately hurt at his actions and have found the courage to talk to family and friends (including his family). Everyone feels that he will never stop the gambling and that he has seen me as a soft touch who will keep looking after him and baling him out. I have made it clear that the debts are his to sort out which he has taken steps to do but I feel utter devastation that I could be so trusting and it has been thrown back in my face. I feel the only option left is for us to seperate but I dont know how to get him to leave as he keeps crying every time I mention things saying he cant cope. I just see a future with nothing to look forward to for me and the children.

Any thoughts or comments would be helpful. His GP has ruled out depression saying that he feels that issues have caught up with him. I knew there were problems a couple of years back and told him it would be over if he continued but it appears he has just carried on gambling reagardless.

yoni_one

I am so very sorry to hear of this sad situation you are in and understand how devastated you feel by his betrayal.

I really do not know what to say with regards how you might go about patching things together again however I can signpost you to a link where you can get free information about your legal rights should you look to separate.

The phone number for Rights of Women is in my signature but you find out further information from www.row.org.uk

It sounds like you could do with a non-judgemental sympathetic ear just now and maybe some form of counselling could help you to work through your feelings on this and look to how you can best manage it on both a practical and emotional level.

I sincerely hope you get the right support and reach an outcome you feel happy with.

((hugs)) xx

owsaboutthatthen

I can fully sympathise with what you are going through here. My ex was a gambling man. I met him knowing he enjoyed the odd flutter etc, but it became gradually worse through our relationship, with him going on gaming sites, Poker, Casino, you name it, he used to live his life gambling.

Our relationship suffered and this was really the main cause. Hardly any communication took place, and he was constantly trying to make ends meet by gambling away our money. We were both working full time, but one or the other ended up changing jobs, and I was on maternity leave twice through our relationship.

After much agony and heartache, he decided he needed to take a break away from our situation. I was left on my own with a 2 year old and a newborn baby, with all this financial worry. It turned out he left to go and live with somebody else because he couldn't hack the responsibilties anymore of my depression (which I had at the time - I suppose who could blame me!) and all the financial worry etc. He said he even found the children hard to cope with.

My life was made easier by him leaving in the long run, although it did take me a long time to get over what happened. He did agree that he had a gambling problem, but his new partner is welcome to that (if he is still gambling as excessively as he was).

I do hope you can get your situation resolved. My relationship ended in tragedy, but looking back, it was probably one of the best things that happened.

Good luck x

kindofagilr

I want to give you some (((hugs)))

My mam went through this, my dad was an insane gambler and my mam didnt know, my mam only found out cos the police turned up to arrest my dad, because he refused to pay some gambling debts.

He owed Barclays thousands, borrowed in mam's and his name without mam knowing (borrowed on the mortgage I presume) he had borrowed off my mam's family without her knowing.

I was 6 months and my brother was 2 years old, she had to sell their house to pay back barclays to stop my dad going to jail, and we were moved into a housing assosation house.

Dad said he would change his ways, and he didnt, just before I was 1, mam had enough and she chucked him out.

She then raised me and my brother by herself over the next 25+ years, not one penny of help from my "dad", struggling (no tax credits those days) for years working 3 jobs, then when I was 13 she managed to get a deposit together for a house, and she bought a her own house (13 years after having to sell one to pay dad's debts off)

I havent seen him since I was 6 (when he popped in one Christmas)

I love my mam with all my heart and soul.

I just wanted to say this really, to say, I know its not the best solution for you, but if you do end up splitting from your partner becasue he can't/won't change then I have faith you can do it and raise those two gorgeous children of yours.

JoW123

yoni_one wrote: »

I am so very sorry to hear of this sad situation you are in and understand how devastated you feel by his betrayal.

I really do not know what to say with regards how you might go about patching things together again however I can signpost you to a link where you can get free information about your legal rights should you look to separate.


It sounds like you could do with a non-judgemental sympathetic ear just now and maybe some form of counselling could help you to work through your feelings on this and look to how you can best manage it on both a practical and emotional level.

I sincerely hope you get the right support and reach an outcome you feel happy with.

((hugs)) xx

yoni_one - thank you so much for this. I have read a lot of your posts on this forum and have been impressed with your advice to many people. Thank you for taking the time to post and I'll have a look at the link.

JoW123

owsaboutthatthen wrote: »

I can fully sympathise with what you are going through here. My ex was a gambling man. I met him knowing he enjoyed the odd flutter etc, but it became gradually worse through our relationship, with him going on gaming sites, Poker, Casino, you name it, he used to live his life gambling.

Our relationship suffered and this was really the main cause. Hardly any communication took place, and he was constantly trying to make ends meet by gambling away our money. We were both working full time, but one or the other ended up changing jobs, and I was on maternity leave twice through our relationship.

After much agony and heartache, he decided he needed to take a break away from our situation. I was left on my own with a 2 year old and a newborn baby, with all this financial worry. It turned out he left to go and live with somebody else because he couldn't hack the responsibilties anymore of my depression (which I had at the time - I suppose who could blame me!) and all the financial worry etc. He said he even found the children hard to cope with.

My life was made easier by him leaving in the long run, although it did take me a long time to get over what happened. He did agree that he had a gambling problem, but his new partner is welcome to that (if he is still gambling as excessively as he was).

I do hope you can get your situation resolved. My relationship ended in tragedy, but looking back, it was probably one of the best things that happened.

Good luck x

My partner is exactly the same as yours was as stated in your opening post. In some ways it would be easier if he just left as I feel I am waiting for the inevitable now. Thanks for your post.

JoW123

kindofagilr wrote: »

I want to give you some (((hugs)))

My mam went through this, my dad was an insane gambler and my mam didnt know, my mam only found out cos the police turned up to arrest my dad, because he refused to pay some gambling debts.

He owed Barclays thousands, borrowed in mam's and his name without mam knowing (borrowed on the mortgage I presume) he had borrowed off my mam's family without her knowing.

I was 6 months and my brother was 2 years old, she had to sell their house to pay back barclays to stop my dad going to jail, and we were moved into a housing assosation house.

Dad said he would change his ways, and he didnt, just before I was 1, mam had enough and she chucked him out.

She then raised me and my brother by herself over the next 25+ years, not one penny of help from my "dad", struggling (no tax credits those days) for years working 3 jobs, then when I was 13 she managed to get a deposit together for a house, and she bought a her own house (13 years after having to sell one to pay dad's debts off)

I havent seen him since I was 6 (when he popped in one Christmas)

I love my mam with all my heart and soul.

I just wanted to say this really, to say, I know its not the best solution for you, but if you do end up splitting from your partner becasue he can't/won't change then I have faith you can do it and raise those two gorgeous children of yours.

Hi, thank you for this post which brought a tear to my eye. Your mum must be a fabulous person. Yes, I've no doubt that I could manage on my own even though things would be very difficult emotionally. At least I would know what outgoings I had to manage though!! I guess I'm still in shock at the moment and need time to get my head around things. I've no doubt that he wont stop gambling as even since things got this bad I've found betting slips from last week.

lolababy

Hi I went through the same thing with my partner. The only way to safe your relationship is by getting him to leave. Tell him that you will only take him back once he has sorted out his addiction. I threw my partner out for six months and in that time he realised the only way back was to get help.
You have to put yourself and your children first ,or you will be pulled further down by him.

maggie111

It sounds like you need to contact http://www.relate.org.uk/ in order to help you two communicate better as a couple. Reading this I feel that there is hope left for your relationship, but only you can decide if it is worth the fight.

I would tell him he can only access the computer whilst you are at home in order to help him combat his internet gambling - and only for a limited time, for example a month of monitored use - perhaps this will help him go cold turkey until his gambling counselling is available.

Good luck

JoW123

maggie111 wrote: »

I would tell him he can only access the computer whilst you are at home in order to help him combat his internet gambling - and only for a limited time, for example a month of monitored use - perhaps this will help him go cold turkey until his gambling counselling is available.

Good luck

Thanks maggie111. Unfortunately banning him from using the computer wont help as he just does things behind my back and then lies about it. Last weekend he waited for me to go out with the children and then went out to a betting shop. He said he had been in all the time we had been out but then i found the slips on the floor :mad:

Dinah93

It doesn't sound so much that it is the gambling itsself that bothers you, but not having a partner you can trust and rely on. Crying everytime you bring up how unhappy you are is emotional blackmail. You only get one chance at life, and you need to do what you can to be happy.