16yr old son advice

skiTTish

Hi ,have dilemma with my 16 yr old son
Were not very close ,we try to be but his behaviour has been very challenging since he was 2 so it has marred our relationship.
Thing is ,since he was 10 ,all he has ever wanted to do is to join the Army ,the more we were against it and tried to convince him there was other careers he might enjoy ,the more determined he was !
Anyway ,since failing at school because " why bother ,I dont need that stuff ,I want to join the Army " he has made no effort to get a job " I just want to join the Army "
Now in the past week he has a new girlfriend who seems a lil bit unhinged ?! she has been talking to him of marriage and kids ??And she doe not want him to join the army or have any job as she wants him to herself ?!?
So in the space of a week ,hes decided the Army isnt for him after all ?!

He lounges in bed till all hours ,plays video games then goes out to visit his girlfriend ,misses all his meals ( dinner on table at 6 ,unless he rings me ,which he never does so he has the option to reheat it when he comes in but he doesnt ... )comes in very late and straight to bed .

He will not have a conversation with me atall ,no matter how I try ,think maybe our relationship is already too damaged?!

xmaslolly76

I looks like your stuck between a rock and a hard place here. If you interfere you will push him further towards this girl and if you dont he could end up being a dad with very few prospects. Not taring every girl with the same brush but young girls who want families dont always wait for the partner to agree and by then its to late.

Can i ask why you didnt want him to go into the army it could have been the making of him so many young lads go in and come out responcible young adults and have completely turned their lives around.

Sorry i havent got any contructive advise couldnt read and run. Some one will be along shortly who can help you i have no doubt. Hugs to you and i hope you manage to work it all out :-)

maggie111

No your relationship's not damaged - he's just a standard lazy young teenage boy who prefers his girlfriend to his mother. And trust me, when he's 30 and not living at home you'll be grateful he's not a mummy's boy!!

He will, in time, appreciate you. All kids go through a stage of ignoring their parents - it's them trying to find their place in the world and work out who they are as a person - not who you want them to be.

Don't worry about fixing your relationship, in time he'll start to confide in you again etc. As for his new girlfriend, I'm afraid there are a lot of ladies out there who are a bit intense - it's a first love. I remember how much I "loved" my first proper boyfriend.

And if you're bothered with him lazing about and not respecting the house, it could be easy to deal with - it just depends on how consistent you are. Set fair rules of the house and punishments if he doesn't follow. Just don't set any rules to do with his girlfriend - he wont appreciate you for them and they'll fall out eventually.

GPedro

Is there any particular reason that you've been so against the idea of him joining the Army? There are worse ways to earn a living...

And this 'girlfriend' will likely be off the scene before you know it, anyway.

Mrs_Thrify

Hello Ski, It sounds like you have a teen/adult and everything is out of your control. It has got to that time when you have to sit back and let them take control of their own lifes. It will be hard as you will have to watch the mistakes happen and be caring enough to be there and pick up the pieces. Lots of parents cope in diffrent ways. Keep the talking channel open so your son will always know he can come home to lick his wounds.One day he will fly the nest and then you will be in the move out stage and moving back in as they find out about the cost of independance.
Dinners - I now just keep the fridge stocked and have quick to cook things in the freezer for my lot.(they fend for themselfs). I only cook for the 2 of us now unless they are in when the oven goes on.
Sending (huggs) Julie.

jackie_w

Hey there Ski,

Not much advice but just to say I agree with the previous poster, dont make him dinners unless hes in the house. When he comes in, if he asks where his dinner is, tell him to make it himself.

With regards to your relationship with him, why not just start by asking him how his day was? Just little things as first, then gradually increase the "talking time". Again, do the same with his girlfriend, maybe invite her over for dinner, get to know her a bit more, maybe they would spend a bit more time in your company.

I hope you get it sorted, and with regards to the army, I have to say I would hate for any of my sons to join the army (selfish reasons im afraid), but theres nothing you can do to stop them, but as another poster said, it could be the making of him, he certainky wont be allowed to lie about in bed all day and just come and go as he pleases.

Jackie xx

DVardysShadow

jackie_w wrote: »

... dont make him dinners unless hes in the house. When he comes in, if he asks where his dinner is, tell him to make it himself.

That is a good way to stoke up a future fight. At least tell him what the new rule is first.

jackie_w

DVardysShadow wrote: »

That is a good way to stoke up a future fight. At least tell him what the new rule is first.

oh yes of course tell him the new rule first.

buxtonrabbitgreen

Very good advice maggie.

skiTTish

Thank you everyone
Things took a turn for the worse last night ,ended up in a massive row when he came home at 10.30 ( curfew is 10 but he had asked me to 'keep his dinner warm' at 6pm ) came home soaking wet through as he had to bike home because he ignored his phone when his dad rang to ask if he needed picking up ,he ignored the phone because he was in a pub being bought dinner by the girls mum !!!

I cant afford to keep the fridge stocked with convenience food unfortunately as we are just going through trying to buy a house and money is really tight and he is not contributing a penny .
So have come to the decision ,if he isnt here and does not let me know of his plans then he does not get an evening meal ,can only afford to cook one meal.
also I have stopped 'lending' him a tenner here and a tenner there till he atleast makes an effort to get a job.
As he has managed to rip 2 t-shirt to shreds this week alone ( god knows what she is doing to him ?!?) I am not buying him any more clothes till he makes an effort to get a job or atleast makes an effort to help out at home.

Chinkle

If he's 16, has he finished school? If he's changed his mind about the army, what are his plans?

At that age he will be pulling away from you but he also needs to learn that as well as making his own decisions he needs to take on responsibilities too.

I agree mealtimes are a good place to start. Agree that he has to let you know each day if he will there for dinner - if he says yes and then goes out put his portion in the fridge and let him reheat it when he comes home (or have the leftovers next day yourself). If he comes home unexpectedly he should be made to fend for himself, even if it's only baked beans on toast he can manage (which isn't expensive).

If he isn't returning to education or the army he needs to get a job - you shouldn't be giving him money to support him lazing around.

However, a 10pm curfew seems a bit mean if he's no longer at school.

Like, I say, its about him taking on some responsibilities for his life and he will make some mistakes. Let's hope one of them isn't getting this girl pregnant.