To adopt or not to adopt?

toxi

Firstly, hello! Long time lurker, first time poster!

Just after some completely independent advice really. I've already talked about this with family and friends, and have their opinions, but obviously they're biased and have never been in my position!

So, my position.. I'm mid 30's, good job/career, own a rental property, single. It's the single part that's getting me, as I know I want to have children and I know I'm not getting any younger!

I'm considering adoption and am in the early stages of gathering information etc. I would love to know of any other people (esp single people), who have been through the process and any advice they have to offer.

I'm not going in blindly, I know that having a child is not easy and I understand that single parents have it that bit harder. However I believe I would be a good mum and that I would be able to provide all the love, attention & care that a child would need.

The main things that worry me are;
Lack of family nearby (I'm antipodean)
Whether I would be able to take the child back to my home country to live if I wanted to in the future - and would that be fair to the child?
Is it fair to deliberately bring a child into a single parent home? Am I being selfish? (I don't think so, but want to make sure I can provide for all the child's needs)
Can I afford to look after a child? I want to continue working, and am lucky that I can work from home, but obviously I won't be working full time at home as I will have a child to look after etc!

Thanks in advance for any opinions - most of my friends/family are concerned, which I understand, but I truely believe the benefits would far, far outweigh the hardships. Just want to make sure I have considered all the aspects!

Thanks again!

UKTigerlily

toxi wrote: »

Firstly, hello! Long time lurker, first time poster!

Just after some completely independent advice really. I've already talked about this with family and friends, and have their opinions, but obviously they're biased and have never been in my position!

So, my position.. I'm mid 30's, good job/career, own a rental property, single. It's the single part that's getting me, as I know I want to have children and I know I'm not getting any younger!

I'm considering adoption and am in the early stages of gathering information etc. I would love to know of any other people (esp single people), who have been through the process and any advice they have to offer.

I'm not going in blindly, I know that having a child is not easy and I understand that single parents have it that bit harder. However I believe I would be a good mum and that I would be able to provide all the love, attention & care that a child would need.

The main things that worry me are;
Lack of family nearby (I'm antipodean)
Whether I would be able to take the child back to my home country to live if I wanted to in the future - and would that be fair to the child?
Is it fair to deliberately bring a child into a single parent home? Am I being selfish? (I don't think so, but want to make sure I can provide for all the child's needs)
Can I afford to look after a child? I want to continue working, and am lucky that I can work from home, but obviously I won't be working full time at home as I will have a child to look after etc!

Thanks in advance for any opinions - most of my friends/family are concerned, which I understand, but I truely believe the benefits would far, far outweigh the hardships. Just want to make sure I have considered all the aspects!

Thanks again!

Firstly I wanted to say how lovely it is to read your post & that you're considering adoption, I have no experience to offer but some thoughts (Just my opinions & thoughts though not factual)

You say you wonder if you can afford a child, well, we see people asking this all the time here & most are in couples & they get told if you wait until you can afford one, you never will! Kids need love & things more than material possessions, so long as you can afford to keep a roof over your heads, food on the table & clothe the child it sounds ok to me!
Childcare is probably the biggest expense, loads of people here can help advise on that i'm sure!

My opinion is yes it's fair to bring a child into a single parent home, because in your case an adopted child would currently already be 'brought into the world' as such & have no home or parent/s at all! I'm sure one great parent beats two useless ones or none at all & being in a home/foster care

Plus, lots of people have a baby & split up, ideally a child would have both parents but who's to say you won't meet someone later on? Life isn't ideal anyway!

It took my Mum & Dad two years to get approved for adoption so it could be a long wait but worth it!

toxi

Thanks UKTigerlilly for your lovely reply - very reassuring! I agree that there's no perfect time to have children - I guess I just always thought I would have a partner to help out!

You said that you had no experience, but then that your parents went through the process and were accepted - did they decide against it in the end? I realise it will be a long process - kinda why I think it's best to start the ball rolling now!

Thanks again - nice to have some positive feedback for a change!

T

MadMac_2

One of my siblings (married) is currently going through the adoption process - they started in January and are going to panel in September, so it doesn't always take an age to be approved, but we'll wait to see how long after that they wait before actually getting new additions to the family!

I have to agree with Tigerlilly - you never seem to have enough money for these sorts of things! But what does that matter? If you are able to provide a stable, caring, loving and understanding home to a child in need, then I wouldn't hesitate in taking those first steps.

As to moving - well, we all have to at some point and why should you feel any different moving with an adopted child? Just as long as you are together, that is what is important.

Best of luck to you - it will be an exciting time!

UKTigerlily

Well, it took my Parents about ten years to concieve me, during which time Mum had fertility treatment for about 2yrs on the highest dose (Clomid I think) but when nothing happened she said enough's enough, let's adopt!

Anyway, they spent 2yrs waiting to be accepted & concieved me naturally! They told the adoption place but the message didn't get through & they were offered a baby just before I was born but turned it down, partly as they felt it unfair on any people wanting a baby who couldn't, partly as it'd be like having twins etc

If i'd not come along they'd've had an adopted child! If you want me to ask about the process I will but this was in the 1970's so it may be different now? Happy to ask my Mum any questions you may have though x

Firefly

I'd recommend a book called Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier to anyone thinking of adoption:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

Read around attachment issues then make a more informed decision.

Good luck with your decision.

MadMac_2

If you decide to go down the adoption route, they make you jump through so many hoops to get there I doubt anybody could go through the process without realising the negatives and pitfalls of adopting - but many people still go through with it and end up with the family they so desperately want!

My mother was adopted and so it has never been that big an issue in my family, but I can understand that for many hoping it will be a straight replacement for having their own birth child, it can be a shock to the system.

But don't be put off - after all: nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Katgrit

Oh my goodness Toxi your post could have been written by me! I'm in exactly the same boat as you, except a couple of years younger. Maybe wrongly i've assumed as a single white female i'd never stand a chance at adopting - i've not looked into it in any depth but assumed that all the babies would go to lesbian couples first to be politically correct (yep people i am aware i jump to hilarious conclusions at times!) in these modern times. Like you i have felt VERY selfish for wanting this, i've half jokingly discussed IVF/sperm donor with workmate and she was fully supportive but not brave enough to discuss with family. who, bless them, are very traditional and working class. When my Mum went back to work after i was born my grandparents were so horrified that my Dad was allowing his wife to work WHEN SHE WAS A MOTHER it caused a right old rift. Ha ha ha. Sorry i drifting! I decide last week that i'll never manage to tell them in person and explain why this is so important to me, so instead i've decided i'm going to write them a letter. Not saying NOW but just that this is something i will move forward with in the next few years. So big thumbs up from me for being brave enough to broach this with people close to you. First step in a big long process!

All my life i feel i've done what my parents wanted, pushed into A-levels, pushed into Uni, pushed into academic job and so this is one of few big things in life wheres its been something i'll be doing because I wanted to. I feel so selfish and bad and WRONG for wanting this. Its such a relief to know i'm not the only one being so evil to consider such things! I cant thank you enough for your post. I'll certainly be following this thread with interest!

It cheeses me off no end aswell that 14 yr old slappers out there with no regard for themselves or society are going out dropping their knickers and accidentally ending up with what i want so much. But because i respect society (and a potential child) too much i'm not doing that and so i feel i'm missing out as time ticks. Know i'm still only early 30 but two close friends have gone through menopause before age of 40 so that scares pants of me that i cant leave it too late for IVF thing either.

seven-day-weekend

As an adopted child (as a baby in 1950), all I can say is that the lovely people who brought me up were always my darling mum and dad, never any doubt.

Here is a little poem my mum gave me and I always remember it.

I wish you well whatever you decide to do.

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You grew not under my heart
But in it.

onlyroz

I have been told that once you get past a certain age it's very difficult to adopt a baby - much easier to adopt a toddler or a child with disabilities.

toxi

Thanks to all for your replies - Katgrit it is nice to know we're not the only ones! Discussing with your family is a definite must. Even though mine are far away, I know I'll need their support if I do go ahead with this.

Firefly - thanks very much for the website. I've had a quick look this morning, and it looks like it will be a great source of info. I'll definitely go through it in much more detail!

Thanks again for your replies - lots of food for thought!

T