Divorce - splitting assets, advice/opinions needed please

BrokeBrunette

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this thread but can't find anywhere else suitable so here goes.

I'm currently in the middle of a messy divorce from my husband (we no longer even speak unfortunately). We were married for 17 years and have two children, now aged 11 and 14. We cannot agree how to split the assets and solicitors have been involved for the past year or so.His are a total nightmare and take up to 3 months to reply to one letter. This has landed me with a hefty bill so far with more to come.

What I would really appreciate is some feedback from people on MSE who have been through a similar thing - what percentage did you consider or recieve as a final split? My ex-husband (via his solicitor) is insisting on a straight 50% split but I think he is being unfair as I have to provide and run a home for our two children, which is my main priority and they are my main concern. He does pay maintenance for the children and would always continue to do so until they leave school, but I am currently paying the mortgage etc. I work 20 hours a week and my ex is looking for a lump sum now, with a % charge over the property for the remainder to be paid at a later date.

It looks like we are probably heading for a court case over this and my solicitor has warned me to expect solicitors costs of up to £5k if this goes ahead. She also seems to think he is entitled to 50% but I just can't get my head round this. It seems unfair to me. Am I being unreasonable and has anyone been to court with a similiar situation? If so, what did you receive?

I realise that every case is different but I just wanted some general idea of what people receive if it goes to court. I'm also terrified of being landed with a mammoth solicitors bill that I cannot afford to pay. I would really appreciate some input on this as I'm desperate. I just don't know what to do. Thanks

Lady_E

Sorry I cant help with answers but I really feel for you -Hugs to you and dont let it get you down.
Hopefully BossyBoots will be along soon with some good advice .

The_Geek

I think in general that 50% each is fair. You are right though in that each case is different.

Playing devils advocate for a minute, don't forget that he is still supporting your children via maintenance and that he will also have his mortgage etc. to pay and I am assuming that the children will stay with him sometimes.

BrokeBrunette

The_Geek wrote:

I think in general that 50% each is fair. You are right though in that each case is different.

Playing devils advocate for a minute, don't forget that he is still supporting your children via maintenance and that he will also have his mortgage etc. to pay and I am assuming that the children will stay with him sometimes.

He sees the children every week but they don't stay with him overnight. I appreciate he also has bills but he currently lives with his brother and they pay half of everything each, whereas I am paying 100% of my bills. He also has a girlfriend who seems to have loads of money to spend and has just given him a T reg car for nothing. All my money goes on living expenses and making sure the children have what they need. If I was on my own I could go and live with a member of my family but I have a commitment to my children to keep them in a stable environment in their own home (which incidentally is only a small mid terrace house, nothing fancy). He thinks I should work more hours (currently 20) but my argument is that I need to have some time after school etc to spend with them, plus the school holidays would be a problem. I have also had to leave work numerous times when they have been ill and the school have rung me, and I then have to make that time up, which I do on my supposed days off. I recently had an entire week to make up when they both had a serious dose of flu and were off school all week.

nearlyrich

Every case is different, in the late 80's with 2 small children, I gave my ex a third of the equity, I remortgaged the house when I got a full time job, I paid the mortgage, all bills, all the children's expenses, he got away with lying in court and had his maintenance cut to £60 per month (for 2 children)with chunks of arrears remittied. (long tale but in the past so I won't go into it all here.) He also wasn't very good at the visits although I never stopped them from seeing him and now he doesn't have a relationship with them.

Don't worry about what his girlfriend has or hasn't got, don't try to take his every pennny and make a reasonable offer. My DH gave his ex everything they had and my ex took more than he should have( in view of the fact he has not contributed financially to their upbringing) but we have come out of it with what we have worked for and my children have had a decent standard of living. I am still supporting them financially at uni whereas the ex stopped payment as soon as he could.

I have a friend who got all the equity and the endowent policies with one dependant child but her ex is concerned that his child has a decent home to live in.

The_Geek

He sees the children every week but they don't stay with him overnight. I appreciate he also has bills but he currently lives with his brother and they pay half of everything each, whereas I am paying 100% of my bills. He also has a girlfriend who seems to have loads of money to spend and has just given him a T reg car for nothing. All my money goes on living expenses and making sure the children have what they need. If I was on my own I could go and live with a member of my family but I have a commitment to my children to keep them in a stable environment in their own home (which incidentally is only a small mid terrace house, nothing fancy). He thinks I should work more hours (currently 20) but my argument is that I need to have some time after school etc to spend with them, plus the school holidays would be a problem. I have also had to leave work numerous times when they have been ill and the school have rung me, and I then have to make that time up, which I do on my supposed days off. I recently had an entire week to make up when they both had a serious dose of flu and were off school all week.

I completely understand. I was a single parent for three years and so can sympathise with having all the responsibility whilst your ex has all the good times. Mine used to play "good mum" whenever she wanted to impress her family and said all the right words but her actions were sadly lacking. After a while it didn't bother me as I knew for a fact the kids would be better off with me. Its all part and parcel of being the resident parent. You have a lot of responsibility and only some of the fun whereas he will get little responsibility and in comparison more fun time.

Your ex will come & go as he pleases, make all sorts of promises which he may/may not keep but your kids will grow up and realise who really looked after them.

I think you need to think long term about the finances. Whilst right now it seems unfair that he has less bills to pay and a GF who seemingly has deep pockets, in the long run things will hopefully change for you too. For example, You might meet someone too and things become easier.

Do you know what exactly you would consider to be a fair settlement? If he's offering 50% and you only want say 60% then maybe its worth compromising on 55% before the solicitors chew up the difference in costs. Remember, your solicitors are the only winners here. I prefer the term legal parasite!

jockettuk

im divorced and after 6 yrs of living in the matrimonal home ive decided i want to sell so to break free from my ex so to speak.. like you i was arguing abt how much i was entittled to and to be truthful after a yr of arguing back and forwards and 8 grand down the pan in solicitors fees i decided to settle 50-50 as it was i was going to lose more than i would gain.. i have one child but i will be moving to be with my partner who is willing to take on my daughter financially.. I have since been told that my daughter could have made a claim for a share of the house but i dont know how true this would be..ive had friends who got 50% and 25% for the kids.. but is it worth all the hassles and money to argue over a few thousand pounds.. forget all the anger and bitterness i know thats what was making me hang out for more, why should he get this when im doing this and that etc.. once its settled you will get on with your life and be happier you got him out your life

BrokeBrunette

thanks for your replies. I'm not sure that I want more than 50% out of bitterness - but more because I am desperately worried about us managing financially. I honestly think it's unfair to split 50/50 and I think some leeway should be given because of the children, but obviously there are always two sides to every story.

I'm going to have a think over the next few days about what I need to do. My solicitor doesn't really give me a lot of faith. She is very nice but tends to focus on the negative, rather than the positive. I'm trying to decide if I should change solicitors but that will mean even more bills as the new one would need to do a lot of catching up. As you can probably tell I really have no idea what to do next

Dora_the_Explorer_5

You're right - a new solicitor would have to spend time, and charge it to you, familiarising themselves with your case. Good solicitors will point out all the drawbacks and negatives in a situation, and also the benefits. Perhaps she's focussing on the negatives because she feels she needs to in your case?

BrokeBrunette

Dora_the_Explorer wrote:

You're right - a new solicitor would have to spend time, and charge it to you, familiarising themselves with your case. Good solicitors will point out all the drawbacks and negatives in a situation, and also the benefits. Perhaps she's focussing on the negatives because she feels she needs to in your case?

Maybe you're right. I just feel that at £170 an hour she could try and perhaps give me some positives, rather than everything being doom and gloom. I have no real previous dealings with solicitors other than house moves, so have nothing to compare to.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

I can understand how you feel, but her job is to give you sound legal advice not to make you happy. That's what you're paying her for, and to be honest if you need some emotional support to get you through this difficult time she's not trained to supply it; use your £170 per hour wisely - horses for courses and all that. Perhaps if you're finding things a bit too doom and gloom at the moment you could try and find someone who could give you some positive support? Hope this helps