Help with the leaving/seperation chat

chnelomi

Hi all, Well I am at the end off things here and i think it may be time for me and OH to have a chat and to seriously consider separating. I feel like i'm at a loosing battle constantly and he dose not seem to care as long as he gets what he wants.

The past couple off months have been hell for me mentally and financially. I have no one to turn to anymore to have the chats that can usually help women sort thing out first, the sounding board of a close friend can put things in perspective but i don't have that.

Financially things are bad mainly because he has a drink problem that he refuses to see as a problem. like tonight i have very little money left to do us until next week but he still bought his cans even though i told him that if he bought them i wouldn't have enough for dinners, his response was that he would get money from his dad tomorrow so what was the problem.

Yesterday was my birthday and he said he couldn't get me a present because we didn't have the money but he expects me to get him drink every night. when i don't or refuse to give him money he borrows it. i sat with nothing on my birthday(drink included) but he had his cans.

At home when he dose anything he expects praise like well done honey you hovered thanks ever so much for finally cleaning the windows i have been asking you to for a month etc. Yet i get no thanks for anything i do no thanks for meals etc but when i don't do something he makes huffy noises and tuts at washing to be done/put away.

Not to mention what the kids miss out on as a result of his drinking. He is not working at the moment so please don't think i am some SAHM who whats OH to come home and do housework.

I could go on and on i need to stop I have given myself a headache, Please could someone give me some advice on what to say in these chats that people have i need a plan to stick to as he always turns things into an argument and i'm just not interested in that anymore. When he gose so will the computers so i will need as much relevant information first.

We have 2 kids in all of this and 2 dogs i know he will take (along with half the house contents). We rent from a HA and both of our names are on the lease. How did others get awkward OH's to let them stay with their kids in the home. I don't want to move them again.

Our tax on the car is due but if i pay it and he throws me out i will have nothing. I thought of using the money as a way of getting him to leave the house, or is that bad. He will take the car so why should i leave us with nothing to live on if he has the car.
Help Please!!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Let's see...

'Get out. Now. No, if you take the car, I will call the police and tell them you are an alcoholic driving whilst drunk. I will tell the DVLA that you are alcoholic, so you lose your licence. I will tell the insurance company, so you will be pulled over by the police'.

'You are not taking anything from this house. Not money, not property, not the dogs.'

'Get your coat and take your cans and go now - before I call the police and have you removed. No, all I have to do is say that you are drunk and want the car keys and you're scaring me. They will come and arrest you'

'Go. NOW. You are not my problem any more.'

Then change the locks.

Do not fall for it when, after going absolutely mental (which he is counting on to make you acquiesce to his demands), he stomps off, calling you every name under the sun, only to return a couple of days later (when he runs out of money for beer), crying and sobbing that he is at rock bottom, he can only get better if you let him back in, he's really really changed....he's got nothing without you, he may as well go and kill himself...blah blah blah.

Oh, and if you give him money to leave, he will take it (and the car), drink it and then turn up at the front door again, blaming you for not having the car taxed.

He can't throw you out. You have children. He has a drink problem. Who is going to have custody of the children? You are. If he tries to take the dogs, call the RSPCA, too.

It is a standard procedure for abusers to use money, the children, the house, the family pets, anything they can, to retain control. It's not the alcohol making him an abuser - it's the fact he is an abuser. He can hide behind the beer. 'It's not my fault - poor me, poor me, pour me a drink'

It's domestic abuse, even if he doesn't hit you.

Lose him. NOW.

Freemantle_2

Hi there, you are in a difficult situation but there is loads of help out there if you look for it.

With regard to the house, I would suggest that you go to the Housing Association and ask for an interview with your housing officer, (i used to be one!) let them know what is going on and ask their advice. They should give you support and tell you how you stand with your tenancy. They can also keep an eye open for any signs of antisocial behaviour should things blow up.

I would also call your local Marriage Guidance people, they now advise people on their own, as well as couples. They should be able to offer come counselling and support.

The way you are being treated by your partner constitues abuse, so I would also ring the police and ask to speak to your local Domestic Abuse team. They have so much experience of this kind of thing and I am sure will also be able to offer you support.

I guess you are going to have to decide if you are willing to continue to put up with his treatment of you and be miserable or to break up and cope on your own. Which will still have problems, but they will be YOUR problems and not some that he has created for you.
The peace of mind can be wonderfull!!

GOOD LUCK x

chnelomi

Reading someone else saying those things, the things that i would basically say myself sounds so very harsh and evil. But i understand that i am now at the point where something i need to save myself and the kids.

The worst thing is all of his family bar one have drink problems but even the one that is tee total will not say anything to him. It is all put down to social drinking without any kind of socializing being involved. he will sit when we are in bed drinking and will then sleep most of the next day the bedroom really stinks with the yeast smell of the lager.

No one wants to help him and he sees nothing wrong in a couple of drinks, neither do i.
It's just that his idea of a couple of drinks is 10/12 average a night. honestly the only good i get is tesco recycling points.

I am not interested in keeping everything i'm not a materialistic person. i only want what is the kids and the stuff that helps make a home.(would love one of the comps though) things like his TV and bed and bedroom furniture dvd's etc he can have without a problem.

And we are not married if that changes things for people.
Any ideas in the non confrontational or least argumentative steps to take?
Thanks

chnelomi

Freemantle wrote: »

I would also call your local Marriage Guidance people, they now advise people on their own, as well as couples. They should be able to offer come counselling and support.

I did look into this but it would be impossible to get too and he has always stated it was a complete waste of time to see people like that.

I'm actually going to the HA next week for something else so i can ask when i am their.
Thanks

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He will be relying on you wanting to avoid confrontation. It's one of the ways he retains control, by threatening to escalate things. He doesn't want help. He wants more beer. There is no point trying to help someone like that. And you probably know that, deep down.

The least argumentative step is that you shut up, put up like you have been doing and keep buying him his beers. Make it easy for him to keep abusing you and your children - because that is what he is doing. They are being deprived of food, clothing, a normal life and relationship. Saying nothing for the sake of not making a scene is facilitating his abuse of your children. Oh, and if he says he will keep the children in the house, it is an offence to be drunk in charge of a child. So it's never going to happen.

Your choice.

chnelomi

I just have a fear that if i bring up his drinking pushing us apart he will tell me to go.
He won't want the kids he knows he cant look after them financially or otherwise.
He gets very twisted and always jumps to the old "who's the other man" unless he's hiding in the oven i've never met him:mad:

He tells everyone i'm the nightmare and makes out he rarely drinks as a result most people think i make it up. I know i will end up with his family hating me (nothing new there). When he is calm (getting his own ) he is fine,but if things aren't he is a nightmare not phisical or one of these guy's that shout etc he just get obnoxious and will not listen, continually talk overyou repeat the same sentence in an evil tone and will insinuate that he will hurt me but never has.

He is not the same man anymore and i just can't live with him like this and i know it will take more than a couple of days maybe years for him to see his problem and see to them.

Thanks

ailuro2

Many years ago I lived with a man who I finally realised couldn't do without a few drinks every night, and more than a few if he could get away with it.

The tearful arguments and never seeming to have any money despite us both working and having no kids, no car etc.

Eventually, after turning up at work again with puffy eyes 'cos I'd spent another night in tears, a friend turned to me and said

"You can't go on living like this forever"

and even though I didn't know in my early twenties what a lightbulb moment was, looking back it was one of them.

It took time, but I did escape, it took a lot of determination - he'd promised so many times to stop drinking but never had, so in the end I said I wanted a bit of time to live by myself and would give us a chance once I was in my own place and maybe we could go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend. That way I managed to at least take some furniture and things with me when I moved out (couldn't have budged him in a month of Sundays) then eventually he realised I wasn't coming back.

Sounds cruel, but it was the only way I could get out.

In your case I would make an escape plan (women's refuge?) and plan the day for a date in the future, then go and never go back. IF you warn him he'll try to make you stay.

Only the person who is drinking will be able to stop themselves. NEver anyone else.


Sadly, although it all happened to me many years ago, I heard the guy I was with had been confirmed as an alcoholic some years ago, and has had stays in rehab/mental health units trying to get off it but has not succeeded. I'm glad I got out when I did - I have a wonderful life now that is a completely different way of life to the drink every night and think it's normal mentality.

spirit

Don't assume that you have to go, why should you, you have the children to look after.

How come the bed. tv etc is his?

It's not going to be easy but you do have to stick up for yourself and your kids and just tell him to go as you cannot continue to live like that.

I wouldn't give a jot about what his family think either.

good luck

pinkshoes

Just sit him down and tell him you've had enough.

If my OH got me nothing for my birthday, then sat their drinking beer, that would be it!

Tell him you've had enough of his drinking (perhaps he's a nice person without the drink?), and that he needs to choose between you and the kids, and the drink. There is no middle-ground. It's one or the other.

If he chooses the drink, he needs to pack his bags and get out.

If my OH didn't thank me for cleaning, meal cooking etc... (he always does), then I wouldn't do it.

Do NOT ever buy this guy alcohol or give him money for it. Your first priority is food and bills and rent!

jess1974

I was also once married to a man who put alcohol above everything else in his life, my 2 boys were toddlers when i left him, he was abusive and violent when drunk...

I met the love of my life who i married 5 years ago, there is light at the end of the tunnel op, you just have to start walking towards it xxxxx good luck jess...