Csa

Blonde_Bint

S'cuse me McKneff, but we do not live DUTRs life (and we do not know his life warts and all do we), so I prefer to look at it like this:

"dont judge someone until you've been in their shoes" seeing as none of us will ever be in each others positions then keep your trap shut, s'all i'm saying. It wouldnt work for all but its how some of us get by.

same for him going off up there the OP , i'm not surprised he's *** however, speaking from vast experiance, the csa is a threat some pwc love to throw in your face just because they can so for me its no bad thing to get it sorted now and just get paying.

NEVER pay a lump sum when you split NEVER NEVER NEVER because, correct me if i'm wrong, but even if you try to make it legit, is it not that the monthly payment is for maintaining the childs expenses on a daily bases so no matter what payout the ex gets she can still hit you for maintenance of the child at a future date no matter what :eek:

DUTR

McKneff wrote: »

:eek: I am withdrawing from this thread now - but i have two things to say.

1. I get the impression that it is your choice that you do not see your child by your statement 'I dont visit and will deal with it my way' Do you have any idea of the mental damage you are causing your child. And it's not a bloody 'game'.

2. What goes around comes around.

Well Sir, intelligent as you are, why make a statement and then run off?
As said everybody runs their episode differently,


However 1)
You know whether it be this forum or another NO ONE as yet has given me a good reason as why I should do anymore than pay the absent father tax , all they do is spout a few words of text perhaps to try and entice some sort of guilt trip ?

2) Perhaps you could clarify that idea too ?

:rolleyes:

Blonde_Bint

DUTR wrote: »

You know whether it be this forum or another NO ONE as yet has given me a good reason as why I should do anymore than pay the absent father tax , all they do is spout a few words of text perhaps to try and entice some sort of guilt trip?

2) Perhaps you could clarify that idea too?

:rolleyes:

Oh DUTR me duck, allow me.

Now no spouting or preaching you will get from me you know that by now:).

but since you asked, we just worry that you are missing out on the best stuff. You know that your ex cant stop you from seeing your little un if you want to contact. you know that as well as anyone.
but your missing all the laughs and jokes between daddy n child and seeing all the stuff they bring home from school that they made for you (I love that its one of my favourites)
stuff that in years to come you will look back on and will smile. they will bring their grandchildren to see you.

this weekend we are going camping. its going to be great and my step child is coming too. even better his sister cant wait:). your missing out on so much more than just weekly visits. Help me out someone, anyone. I cant get across enough, just what your missing by not seeing your child or at least texting or emailing for contact.

I fear you will only feel you missed out when your child is an adult and then you will not be able to go back.

just give it some consideration DUTR for Binty, hate to think that in ten yrs you'll be sitting there thinking wish I hadnt left it so long. no preaching mate just give it some serious thought for yourself s'all I ask. After all remember I have nothing to gain or lose if you have contact with your child. But I really do believe it will be your biggest regret when the time has come and gone.

geek0

sparkysmad wrote: »

Ive been divorced 3 years, and got on very well with my ex wife until recently. When we divorced, she got a house bought and paid for in the same area as we lived and a car and no debt. In return i wouldnt have to pay maintenence. This part of the divorce was only a verbal agreement as we got on fine. So this has gone on for 3 years until suddenly she starts threatening me with the CSA. I have a large mortgage to pay as i came out with nothing from the marriage. Im self employed and work is hit and miss at the moment. I inquired on the CSA site how much id have to pay, and its nearly 100 quid a week, which i cant afford. I take the kids on holiday and am i good father, they go without nothing. I pay for clothes and shoes when asked.....Help!

It makes me sad to hear stories like this, if only my child had a father that actually gave a !!!! enough to put a roof over his head! If she insists on taking you to the csa or that you pay a regular monthly maintenance then do so, but dont pay for the holidays and clothes etc on top of that, that is what the maintenance payments are for! She has to accept some of the financial responsibility herself, she has no mortgage thats a huge weight off her shoulders that most people dont have the luxury of, its never ideal when 2 people seperate but you cant be expected to provide everything.

blonde_bint wrote:

just give it some consideration DUTR for Binty, hate to think that in ten yrs you'll be sitting there thinking wish I hadnt left it so long. no preaching mate just give it some serious thought for yourself s'all I ask. After all remember I have nothing to gain or lose if you have contact with your child. But I really do believe it will be your biggest regret when the time has come and gone.

I have to agree here, i dont know what you're circumstances are but i have a child whose Father doesnt bother with him except for a couple of times a year and a very random phonecall here and there.... He misses out on all those special moments like seeing him ride a bike for the first time, like cuddles at bedtime, he misses the cards he still makes him at school. These are things you can never get back or replace and i also have an 8 yr old boy who doesnt understand why he doesnt come to see him which is heartbreaking to listen too, i dont even want to think about the damage its doing to his mind, i guess what im saying is think very carefully about the lack of contact, i would fight as long as it took to get it, i wouldnt want to be responsible for the hurt it causes when there is non.

DUTR

geek0 wrote: »

It makes me sad to hear stories like this, if only my child had a father that actually gave a !!!! enough to put a roof over his head! If she insists on taking you to the csa or that you pay a regular monthly maintenance then do so, but dont pay for the holidays and clothes etc on top of that, that is what the maintenance payments are for! She has to accept some of the financial responsibility herself, she has no mortgage thats a huge weight off her shoulders that most people dont have the luxury of, its never ideal when 2 people seperate but you cant be expected to provide everything.



I have to agree here, i dont know what you're circumstances are but i have a child whose Father doesnt bother with him except for a couple of times a year and a very random phonecall here and there.... He misses out on all those special moments like seeing him ride a bike for the first time, like cuddles at bedtime, he misses the cards he still makes him at school. These are things you can never get back or replace and i also have an 8 yr old boy who doesnt understand why he doesnt come to see him which is heartbreaking to listen too, i dont even want to think about the damage its doing to his mind, i guess what im saying is think very carefully about the lack of contact, i would fight as long as it took to get it, i wouldnt want to be responsible for the hurt it causes when there is non.

Well you can see from the original post that sometimes doing the right thing does not reap the rewards that it should, I take on board the words of those keen on parenting, for me though , I won't take the gamble and certainly won't be fighting anybody for anything, but hey that's my episode
other episodes and situations will vary no doubt.

Donedoingdebt

I'll weigh in for my penny's worth if no one minds!

I'm an NRP & have been since March 1999. Ours was a typical amicable separation that, as usual, went sour particularly after I started seeing someone who is now my wife. We argued over practically everything except care of our 2 children who were then 9 & 7.

Throughout all the trials, tribulations & stresses of the separation, the 2 children were allowed to come & go to see me as they pleased as there was no formal agreement put in place & we didn't live too far apart, which obviously made things easier.

I am so glad that we all kept in regular contact so that I didn't miss any part of their growing up; all the school plays, sports days, hand made christmas cards etc. We are still close even though they're now aged 20 & 17. My Daughter (17) recently chose to come on holiday with me & my wife, which not a lot of nearly 18 year olds would choose to do!! My Son (20) & myself have both renewed our season tickets for 2009/10 for Cardiff City so we will both still have contact at least every other week.

This is not meant as a gloating exercise; just a back up of earlier posters who are stating that NRP's will miss out on so much by severing or minimising contact with their children (awkward circumstances accepted)

I am also a PWC's Husband. Her ex, my stepson (15) was let down by his Father twice The first time when he was just 3 years old & his Father arranged to see him "next Sunday" & didn't turn up.

Forward wind 8 years to when my stepson was 11. He started asking questions about his Father, so, much against my Wife's better judgement, we made contact & explained that he needed to see his Father for all the reasons a child needs. Just like an old tv repeat, the same thing happened again. His Father showered him with expensive items that he didn't really need for around 3 months. Same scenario; see you next week, didn't turn up & changed his contact numbers without informing anyone. I must stress, my Wife was not looking for a penny more in maintenance, so that was not an excuse.

This has left my stepson feeling very bitter & sometimes questioning himself as to whether he was to blame for his Father's inadequacies. He sometimes gets so angry, he can't even say the word "Father".

This post is just food for thought for all posters & is not a judgement in any way.

bdt1

Sparkysmad - in reply to one of your initial questions, YES they will expect you to sell your house. But only after they have gained a Liability Order, CCJ, sent bailiffs to your property and then got a charge on your home!

They will also threaten prison and removal of your driving licence, so be prepared, if she does go to CSA, sounds like this is iinevitable, then if you cannot pay you will start accruing arrears, and they will then take all of the above actions against you.

Sorry, but we know from experience, they have done all of this to us, and best of it is, CSA Appeals agree our assessment was and is totally incorrect - immoral!

butlinsmum

sparkysmad as a qualified solicitor (non practising) I am amazed that who ever handled your divorce for you wasn't warning you about the financial settlement you outlined and your misinformed view that you could get out of paying maintenance. IF you had a solicitor that advised you about this financial settlement personally I'd be going back now and complaining very loudly

butlinsmum x

sparkysmad

My problem is i didnt have a solicitor, as everything was striaght forward. I trusted her, i know big mistake, and for 3 years that was fine. Now that the grant money from uni has dried up, and getting a job actually means working, has brought it to a head. There are ways and means of getting round it. As being self employed and a director, sometimes has its benefits. I dont begrudge my kids anything, and theres fathers out there who have done lots more than me. She gets 150 a week to live off and that doesnt include the work she does at uni, in all over 200 quid a week without having a proper job. No council tax, and shes always down the shopping center, and im supposed to live like a down and out? Im out at 5.15am travelling all over the country to try and make a living. Yes Im bleating on, poor old me. The way the CSA dont take any mortgage payments or actually living, is a joke.

butlinsmum

Trusting someone you are divorcing with your finances - well looks like could be an expensive mistake you are going to have to live with I'm afraid. Even quickly looking this up on the 'net should have started alarm bells

butlinsmum x