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Can people with Asperger's ever have a long term relationship?

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  • seven-day-weekend
    seven-day-weekend Posts: 36,755 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 21 July 2009 at 6:42AM
    My son and his girlfriend both have AS . They are very good at looking after each other. My son, in particular, as the less severe case, has improved a lot with things he found difficult as he helps his girlfriend with her problems. I have a feeling she is coping better too. They have been together for over two years. He is 29 and she is just 22.

    Yes, you can have a long-term relationship. And when Mr Right comes along, he'll be a very special guy and worth waiting for. :)
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • sandracarol
    sandracarol Posts: 77 Forumite
    edited 21 July 2009 at 9:59AM
    when my Dd and Ds were diagnosed, so was I (in my 40s) and then so was my OH:rotfl:

    We just thought we were an unusual, bohemian family, but apparently we are all AS.:D

    OH and I have been together for 17 years now and are very happy and have a fantastic if unconventional family life.
    So I guess it's just a case of finding someone who understands you, and who better that a fellow Aspie? ;)

    Your family are probably just frightened of the diagnosis, they'll get over it once they realize you're still the person you always were.

    Don't let it get you down, AS life can be very entertaining once you stop stressing about it.:cool:

    Enjoy everything that comes your way for what it is and don't let the diagnosis take over who you really are. *hugs*
  • asman71
    asman71 Posts: 16 Forumite
    I have Asperger's, which was diagnosed about a year ago just after I turned 37. I have always found it difficult to be in a relationship for too long, but more than that, I have always found it incredibly hard to get into one! The usual things like reading body language, reading between the lines, following hints and tone of voice and above all flirting are basically a mystery to me.
    Very often I found myself either not reacting to a prompt, or reacting way over the top and being too forward. In fact, not too long after I met my wife, I said something inappropriate to her, and I was so ashamed once she told me that I didn't chat with her for over two months. I assumed I had lost her, but then I tried again, apologised, and we picked up where we left off. She has epilepsy and is dyspraxic (which has much in common, behaviour-wise, with aspects of asperger's), and has battled against people who discriminate against those with disabilities for most of her life. As we got to know each other, I told her that my parents had suspected I had some form of autism for a long time, and unlike them or myself, she got the ball rolling in getting me assessed. From that point on, she read voraciously about autism and asperger's, and she now understands my little quirks and oddities.
    Don't get me wrong, at many points during the early days of our relationship, we would both misread each others facial expressions and tone of voice, and on quite a few occaisions I really ticked her off. A lot. But gradually, she learned to ask herself "did I really hear him say that?" and "did he really mean that like I think he did?" So now, we very rarely argue.
    I am lucky, because she can see both beyond the asperger's, and recognises some of the strange benefits of the syndrome.

    Anyway, not to bore you with my life story, but the answer to your question is "yes, you can find and make a long term relationship, but your other half has to understand and not judge AS / ASD." They must be patient, as must you, but I'll tell you something that worked for me, and most people in long-term relationships of any kind would probably agree with me - there is nothing quite as attractive as confidence. I met my wife just after I had plucked up the courage to finish my degree and take the PGCE teacher training course. Doing that made me so confident in myself, even in formerly awkward, even scary social situations (I now have a permanent, full-time teaching position, BTW, and love it love it love it, despite and thanks to the AS!!!) that when I met her, I was relaxed and comfortable in myself, as much as I ever can be!
    Perhaps, if time permits, you could take a course somewhere - and who knows, you could meet your soul-mate too?
  • asman71 wrote: »
    I have Asperger's, which was diagnosed about a year ago just after I turned 37. I have always found it difficult to be in a relationship for too long, but more than that, I have always found it incredibly hard to get into one! The usual things like reading body language, reading between the lines, following hints and tone of voice and above all flirting are basically a mystery to me.
    Very often I found myself either not reacting to a prompt, or reacting way over the top and being too forward. In fact, not too long after I met my wife, I said something inappropriate to her, and I was so ashamed once she told me that I didn't chat with her for over two months. I assumed I had lost her, but then I tried again, apologised, and we picked up where we left off. She has epilepsy and is dyspraxic (which has much in common, behaviour-wise, with aspects of asperger's), and has battled against people who discriminate against those with disabilities for most of her life. As we got to know each other, I told her that my parents had suspected I had some form of autism for a long time, and unlike them or myself, she got the ball rolling in getting me assessed. From that point on, she read voraciously about autism and asperger's, and she now understands my little quirks and oddities.
    Don't get me wrong, at many points during the early days of our relationship, we would both misread each others facial expressions and tone of voice, and on quite a few occaisions I really ticked her off. A lot. But gradually, she learned to ask herself "did I really hear him say that?" and "did he really mean that like I think he did?" So now, we very rarely argue.
    I am lucky, because she can see both beyond the asperger's, and recognises some of the strange benefits of the syndrome.

    Anyway, not to bore you with my life story, but the answer to your question is "yes, you can find and make a long term relationship, but your other half has to understand and not judge AS / ASD." They must be patient, as must you, but I'll tell you something that worked for me, and most people in long-term relationships of any kind would probably agree with me - there is nothing quite as attractive as confidence. I met my wife just after I had plucked up the courage to finish my degree and take the PGCE teacher training course. Doing that made me so confident in myself, even in formerly awkward, even scary social situations (I now have a permanent, full-time teaching position, BTW, and love it love it love it, despite and thanks to the AS!!!) that when I met her, I was relaxed and comfortable in myself, as much as I ever can be!
    Perhaps, if time permits, you could take a course somewhere - and who knows, you could meet your soul-mate too?

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, im so pleased for you & it honestly does help to know that some of us Aspie's have made it.
    I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
    Lucille Ball
  • My son and his girlfriend both have AS . They are very good at looking after each other. My son, in particular, as the less severe case, has improved a lot with things he found difficult as he helps his girlfriend with her problems. I have a feeling she is coping better too. They have been together for over two years. He is 29 and she is just 22.

    Yes, you can have a long-term relationship. And when Mr Right comes along, he'll be a very special guy and worth waiting for. :)

    Thanks, im so pleased your Son found his girlfriend, they sound like the perfect match to me, helping each other, thats what loves all about.
    I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
    Lucille Ball
  • when my Dd and Ds were diagnosed, so was I (in my 40s) and then so was my OH:rotfl:

    We just thought we were an unusual, bohemian family, but apparently we are all AS.:D

    OH and I have been together for 17 years now and are very happy and have a fantastic if unconventional family life.
    So I guess it's just a case of finding someone who understands you, and who better that a fellow Aspie? ;)

    Your family are probably just frightened of the diagnosis, they'll get over it once they realize you're still the person you always were.

    Don't let it get you down, AS life can be very entertaining once you stop stressing about it.:cool:

    Enjoy everything that comes your way for what it is and don't let the diagnosis take over who you really are. *hugs*

    Your family sounds perfect to me.

    I can see autistic traits in other family members as autism is usually hereditory but they won't admit there is anything different about them, they maintain the problem is me.

    Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it & wish you & your family all the best.
    I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
    Lucille Ball
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