How do I leave my husband?

Widelats

My parents split when i was 12 yrs old, i was unhappy but i got over it within a couple of weeks, possibly will be your kids perspective too.

I don't know why you want to leave if he is a friend and good dad, wish my dad was so good back then.

mandi

Widelats wrote: »

I don't know why you want to leave if he is a friend and good dad,.

My ex is also a good freind & dad , but 10 years on he still irritates me to the point , where I want to scream at him .... It just doesnt work that way , Im afraid .

katiea_3

Milliemonster I don't think I or anyone else can give advice on whether or not you should leave your husband, but we can send big hugs, and give opinions on how to handle it with your children. My tip would be that when you and your husband split it's a good idea to arrange the details like where the children will live, when they will see who etc etc before you break it to them. Then if the split is amicable enough to do it calmly and positively together, tell them together. If it's not, then agree together what you're going to say and speak to them seperately but giving the same 'we love you and it'll be ok' message. If you're giving the children any choice in where they will live, think carefully before you tell them about whether both choices really are workable. If they're not, its better not to give the choice than to give it and then have second thoughts. They will immediately be terrified about the changes to their life, but reassure them about what changes will happen and how you will handle it. Explain to them that you and their dad will be happier, and that you both still love them just the same and that will never change, because children can sometimes worry that if you fell out of love with their dad you could do the same with them. You must be terrified about the changes yourself but be strong and positive and the children will be reassured, which will in turn reassure you. Good luck whatever you decide xxx

Pee

Reread your post and imagine this was being written by a man about the mother of his children.

If you want to leave him because you think you will find someone else, just think for a moment how likely or desirable this is. If you meet someone else, they will be brought into your childrens life. How soon could you do this? How much more difficult would this make a relationship? Would you let a new partner discipline your children? Would you agree on discipline? Would a new partner be prepared to make a financial contribution to your children or would he avoid living with you for financial reasons?

If you really think that you will be better off without your husband, then you need to be as calm as possible with the children and you need him to also be calm. You need to agree what will happen about them seeing him and perhaps this should be very regular contact for short periods to begin with. Could you have him round for tea most nights the first week, perhaps? Or could he come round and sit with them even if you went to your mum's or neighbours?

Are there any ways that you could change and improve your life without leaving your husband?

milliemonster

Thank you all so much for your support and advice, I am sorry its taken me a few days to get back to my thread but as you can imagine I have been in a bit of a state.

To try to keep it brief, I have always been the hard worker in the family, we have a lovely home and since we met i have been the one to get promotions and better jobs to try to give us a better lifestyle, my oh does have a good job and one with lots of prospects for promotion and career advancement but he has never bothered, I know you have to be happy in work but deep down I always wanted to be at home with my kids but could never afford to because of the debts we have always had, I resent him for this.

On top of this, I have always been the one to run the house and our finances (some would argue not very well given the debts we have) he has never got involved and left me to it, even the DIY at home I have to do, maintaining the house, this is why I feel already like a single mother as the only thing he contributes is his wage.

He is a family man and does not go out drinking or anything like that but in a lot of ways I feel more like his mother and he is just another one of my children I have to look after.

After helping nurse my mother through cancer until she died last year and having to cope with my grief over that, plus the stress of a challenging job, managing our debt, running the house, looking after the kids I just feel like I am at breaking point.

I have explained all this to him before and he always says he takes my point and he agrees, he's sorry and will change, but nothing does change. I just feel completely trapped. I feel he has an easy life while I have to cope with all the stress of everything and I can't do it anymore.

I don't want to meet anyone else, that really isn't my intention and I would rather be on my own anyway with the kids. Having said that, I also don't think I could bear the thought of my oh meeting someone else, maybe that should tell me something?

In an ideal world I would love nothing more than to make my marriage work, I do still love him deep down but I just can't spend the rest of my life like this. I know he will never change. But then as my father has told me, I made my choices when I married him (my dad loves him as if he was his own son) and I should make the best of it for the children, my dad just thinks I am a silly little girl.

He is still at home, kids think everything is ok but he is sleeping on the sofa at the moment. We are going away for a few days later this week but I don't think it will make any difference because it's everyday life where the problem lies not times when we are away if that makes sense

I don't know what to do.

Lunar_Eclipse

I can relate to a couple of things you wrote in your last post; everyday life really can be dull and unromantic.

However I don't feel at breaking point like you do. If I were in your shoes, I would consider showing him what you wrote in your post above. It really does convey your feelings in a clear and positive way IMO. I also think you could salvage your relationship, but he needs to put more effort in. The big question therefore becomes, is he prepared to (I suspect yes) and what exactly would help. Men are generally do-ers, so if you can think of practical solutions to how you feel, I think that would be the good starting point for discussion, perhaps over a couple of long walks.

Good luck.

Pee

Relate does sound an option. Can you do something together whilst you are away, just the two of you, like a date?

If you can't bear the thought of him meeting someone else, then you have something to fight for here, I think.

So what does he need to do differently for it to be manageable for you?

If you can put that into words and explain it to him, then he can choose either to do it or to lose you.

skintandsad

I shall tell you what happened with me only last month, in the hope that it might help you.

For the last twelve years, I have been dealing with all the bills,finances etc, and like you felt like a single parent with two kids to look after. We too are in debt, and I just couldn't cope with it all; feeling depressed and even suicidal at times due to the depression.

It reached boiling point; we were not sharing the same bed, and didn't really talk to each other; so hubby and I decided to split up.

It was heartbreaking for all of us. HOWEVER, having split up for two weeks (he moved to his mums house), we realised that we had made a mistake, and that it was the depression getting in the way of our true emotions.

We have now set up separate bank accounts; we have worked out the amount of the bills, and now, all direct debits have been transferred to his account - I pay him an amount from my account each month to "top him up". He has taken full responsibility and it is like a weight has been lifted.

We are now happier than we have been in years, and my daughter is like a new girl.

I think that, faced with the reality of "breaking up" it gave us the kick we needed to face up to things, and get everything sorted.

My message is really that you should consider all options; staying together may or may not be for you - but, if you still care for him it might be worth a go before walking away forever.

Take care and good luck
S&S

milliemonster

Thanks S&S we did exactly what you suggested a few months ago, when we had a previous 'discussion' about the fact I felt overwhelmed with having to deal with everything, we set up our own single accounts and transferred the DD's for the debts so we would each be responsible for our own debts, initially it felt great but what has led to this this last weekend was I discovered he has only been paying minimum payments and so each of the cards has now increased the APR's, also one of the cards that wasn't on direct debit he didn't set it up, and only paid the min payment on 15th July when it was due on 6th! (I checked the statement that he hadn't even opened when it came in the post), on top of this, although he hasn't really used his cards, when he has used one, he's used his most expensive one (24% APR) instead of the Egg one which is 0%, all because he can't remember his pin number for the egg card.

So consequently, the Natwest Card balance is now £50 higher than it was back in March when we separated accounts, I just completely despair.

I have now had to take control again, move everything back to the joint account and reset all the payments so I am back to square one.

Even on Sat night after we had had the talk and I had let him home saying he would change and take more control etc, he had to get a new tyre for his car but again used his CC (34% APR) instead of the money that is sat in his account!!!!

I can't go on like this, we have a lot of debt, fortunately we have a good combined income so have plenty to overpay but will now have a late payment on our credit files when I am trying to get them improved so we can hopefully transfer the debt to cheaper interest in time (we can't get a new CC at the moment as we have too much debt, nothing adverse on record at all until this late payment)

Plus our mortgage will be due up for renewal in 18months time and we really can't afford to be getting late payments on file.

I do think if we could get rid of the debt which is a complete millstone around our necks I know inside I would be so much happier, it is just going to take us so long because of the interest rates, even though we are overpaying

Lottebear

I think many of us who are married feel like this sometimes.

I would suggest talking to him if you haven't done already, as men tend to back off when they think everything is under control, it sounds as though you are or have taken on many of the trials that your famliy has faced in recent years on alone.

I would ask for his support give him some of the DIY to do, he many well not do it your way but let him do it. Perhaps his lack of career has made him a better person and more able to be a family man.

For my husband, he is usless with money so I did itr all. He on the other hand, hovers, washes up, and cooks therefore we do what we are better at, team work, I would bring the debts under your control and share out something else.