How do I leave my husband?

milliemonster

For reasons I really don't want to go into, my 12 year marriage is at its end but I don't know how to leave him, we have 2 wonderful kids 10 and 6 whom I desperately don't want to hurt and for the last couple of years have remained unhappy to keep the status quo and keep them happy.

I feel so trapped with a man who is just a friend and the only contribution he makes to our marriage is financial (he is a wonderful father but a useless husband) and I can't spend the remainder of my youth with him.

On the outside, our family and friends think we have the perfect marriage and will hate me for leaving him but I can't carry on like this.

Things came to a head a couple of days ago and he left, he came back yesterday to talk but the kids realised what was going on and were in a right state and I can't bear to do this to them so I agreed he could stay for them.

But I can't bear the thought of spending the next 10 -15 yrs with him until they are grown up enough for me to leave.

How on earth do those of you who have left your partners stop your children from becoming hysterical? I can't bear the thought of seeing them like they were yesterday again.

As far as money goes, I think we will both be ok although things will be tight and we will have to go back to minimum payments on debts again (we have been overpaying)

I am incredibly sad and worried for my kids, I try so hard to put up with everything for their sake (we don't argue all the time so they don't realise) but deep inside I am so unhappy and despite all the times we have discussed the issues he never changes, my dad thinks I should put the kids first before my own happiness and I am trying so hard to do this as I realise that their happiness means more to me than anything else in the world but I feel like this is a prison sentence and I am going to be 50 before I can be free

please help, I just need to know how on earth I can help my kids cope

[Deleted User]

Hi Millimonster

I don't have children so I really don't know what you are going through, but I can say that you can't stay for the sake of the children. Even at 10 and 6yrs old they will pick up on your relationship problems and your unhappiness and sometimes staying together for their sakes is not the best option.

I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you and I am sure you will get much better advice than what I can say (I know that was pretty useless).

Sending you a big hug and a :-)

Rachel

milliemonster wrote: »

For reasons I really don't want to go into, my 12 year marriage is at its end but I don't know how to leave him, we have 2 wonderful kids 10 and 6 whom I desperately don't want to hurt and for the last couple of years have remained unhappy to keep the status quo and keep them happy.

I feel so trapped with a man who is just a friend and the only contribution he makes to our marriage is financial (he is a wonderful father but a useless husband) and I can't spend the remainder of my youth with him.

On the outside, our family and friends think we have the perfect marriage and will hate me for leaving him but I can't carry on like this.

Things came to a head a couple of days ago and he left, he came back yesterday to talk but the kids realised what was going on and were in a right state and I can't bear to do this to them so I agreed he could stay for them.

But I can't bear the thought of spending the next 10 -15 yrs with him until they are grown up enough for me to leave.

How on earth do those of you who have left your partners stop your children from becoming hysterical? I can't bear the thought of seeing them like they were yesterday again.

As far as money goes, I think we will both be ok although things will be tight and we will have to go back to minimum payments on debts again (we have been overpaying)

I am incredibly sad and worried for my kids, I try so hard to put up with everything for their sake (we don't argue all the time so they don't realise) but deep inside I am so unhappy and despite all the times we have discussed the issues he never changes

please help, I just need to know how on earth I can help my kids cope

Minxy_Bella

Honey - I've been there and it's awful but I think the thing to realise is that your kids are panicking that life will be awful if you split so you and their dad have to get them to understand that it will be a positive thing and that you will all be much happier. You and him need to sit them down together and tell them what plans you've made. The unknown is a scary place so tell them how often they'll see their dad, where he'll be living, how much you both adore them but that you don't love each other any more and so need to live apart.

Kid are flexible and they will get used to it but you can't be held to ransom by them. I remember my eldest doing this to me (which is why I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long) but once my mind had been made up for me (by the ex's violent behaviour), she realised that mum has to be happy too and was absolutely fine after that. And my kids' dad now lives overseas so they never see him - but they are happy because I'm happy.

So - it has to be exciting IYKWIM - in that daddy will be spending more time with them than he ordinarily would, for example, and that they can stay up late at daddy's house and eat cowboy dinners that mum wouldn't approve of - stuff like that, to get them out of their negative mindset.

I do hope it goes well for you, but stay strong. It sounds like your OH is a reasonable man so it will hopefully be an amicable split - he can't be happy either if you are not madly in love. So long as you guys work together, then your kids will be fine. My ex was very angry that I left him but my kids were still fine.

Best wishes for your new life.

xxx

GrammarGirl

As someone whose parents separated during my childhood, I can tell you one thing - your children will know things aren't right between you. You may not argue in front of them but even such young kids can pick up on bad vibes and negative attitudes. I was 13 when my parents split, my brother was 11 and my sister was 10. We all knew something was terribly wrong between our parents for two years before they announced their split, and I never once saw or heard them argue.

My advice would be to do it for yourself and just be there for your children. From the ages of 11-13 my childhood was unhappy because of the tension between my parents. Yes, the actual split itself was heartbreaking, but once we all got used to it, things improved dramatically. Seeing my mum happy again was wonderful and so worth those few months of sadness. Children will quickly adapt and once they're over the shock, may even find it fun to visit one parent's new house, choose furniture and colours for a new bedroom, etc.

Just sit down with your children and your partner, tell them what is happening and re-assure them that your feelings towards them will never, ever change. Let them cry and scream until there's nothing left. Maybe even take them to Toys R Us to soften the blow (as my parents did for us!)

Lots of luck, really hope it goes well.

moodydonkey

Hi millie, I don't normally post here so excuse me for butting in. I stayed in a marriage for our kids and because i was too scared to leave.

My girls were 6 and 7 when we split. It was awful of course it was BUT we are now happy. That means all of us, me, him and our children.

My girls will be the first to admit that even tho splitting was horrible at the time it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Even if there are no arguements (there were never any in our relationship) children know when things are wrong.

The worst moment of my life was when my daughter told me her dad was seeing another woman. I felt sick and even now the fact that at 7 she found the courage to tell me brings tears to my eyes.

He has just left, spent the day with his children. We get on fine and are all happy. Now I know that it is not all peaches and cream but sometimes is the best solution to split.

If you are really struggling then it will affect you, your partner, your children and your family.

To face the possibility of leaving takes a tremendous amount of courage but in my opinion is worth it.

No help i'm sure but my very best wishes to you.

Barneysmom

Milliemonster, could you think of having a good try at saving your marriage? You are where I was several years ago, and looking back, I'd say fight for your marriage.
Life is full of compromise, I know it gets boring and tedious and you two might resent each other.

But say if you were hanging from the edge
of a cliff, he'd save you. And you'd save him.

Your dad is trying to help, he can see the problems you're having.
Ask him to look after your children for a few days and you and hubby get away together without kids/house/family, have a good talk and try and have a bit of romance. It doesn't have to cost a lot.

belfastgirl23

Friendship is a very good basis for a marriage. But it isn't enough.

Are you absolutely certain your marriage is over? Have you had any form of mediation or counselling together? I really think you should give this a try. It will either make you certain that you should seperate or help you see a way through the difficulties. Either way the worst thing you could do for your kids is get into a cycle of splitting up and getting back together again. And you are probably the perfect candidates for this if there's no real obvious reason to seperate beyond the feeling of desperation you describe.

I'm not saying stay together. What I'm saying is be very certain of your moves before you make them. If nothing else, counselling would help you address how you can continue to be co-parents after you separate. And would lay down a foundation of being able to talk through issues.

Lots of luck!

Jo_R_2

I agree with Barneysmom. No matter how strongly you feel right now, give it an 'all you've got' attempt at working through things, even if it does seem pointless given what you've said. Look at it this way - at least if it doesn't work then you can tell yourself you've given it your all (as I am sure you have already) to make things work.

You don't say what the problems are so it's difficult to give specific advice but do try getting away by yourselves for maybe just a weekend, without the kids, to spend some quality time together and see if there is anything there that you can work on. Sometimes the humdrum of everyday life does get in the way (I certainly know it does for me) and it is easy when amongst the mundane everyday to forget why you are with someone in the first place.

If you do decide that you can't live with things, then making a break I think is a positive thing. For me, although I wasn't married, I did want to work at things, I thought I've had children with this man that in itself is a committment to working things through but I realised when particularly my eldest (who then was only three) saw me in tears on the phone asking daddy when he was coming home after he hadn't come home after work yet again and asking if daddy had been naughty for not coming back (I usually made light of it and tried to hide my upset) I realised the situation was happening over and over, I couldn't stop it and I honestly couldn't face feeling like that every day, but primarily risking my kids seeing that, feeling mummy being upset and also thinking that was normal behaviour within a relationship - I dreaded DD1 thinking that was how men treated women and it was normal.

DD1 is five now, DD2 is three, and they have me and stepdaddy, and dad and stepmummy, and with them being so young still, it is all they know and me and their dad have worked (despite any bad feelings between the pair of us) to give them a stable environment. Yesterday morning they both went off with daddy for the weekend and they were really excited to see him and to be seeing their stepmum, and stepmum's parents, and I felt really happy because although it obviously isn't the ideal situation, they were happy. I think it is important to think that although you do want your children to have both parents together, what will the effects be upon them if you do, what will they see - or what won't they see but pick up on - and carry with them when they are older?

Edited to say: I also think belfastgirl23's advice is really good in this situation, a positive move whatever you ultimately decide to do.

BitterAndTwisted

If both of your children are completely secure that they are loved by the pair of you, their distress at the moment is most likely caused by fear of the changes which might happen, not the end of your marriage. Don't forget that at their young age they may be worrying that the split might be their fault so they need all the reassurance you can give them.

That your father suggested you put the children's welfare first by staying together is probably well-meant but sadly, completely wrong in my opinion. As long as the pair of you are absolutely committed to treating each other decently then I see no reason to not go forward separately but amicably. What would be most helpful for your children, of course, is that the possible disruption to their daily lives is minimal, so no change of school unless absolutely necessary.

Valli

As long as you reassure your kids that you love them and don't break promises re visits etc they will come through it BUT do try relate (or similar) then you can hoenstly say, whatever the outcome, that you gave it your best shot and did not make your decision lightly.
By the time my ex agreed to go to relate it was, sadly, too late BUT I am happy now and my kids are settled. I didn't take the decision lightly and I fought very hard to stay in the family home so that they had some continuity. So they did not need to move school. This is because when my parents split I was dragged, along with my siblings, many miles from where we were living in part so mum could get away from dad - despite the fact that he had a future wife lined up.

I once advised someone (in an abusive relationship actually) who sad she was staying for the sake of the kids, that she was wasting her life and her kids wouldn't thank her for it - to say nothing of the fact that she was putting them at psychological harm as they witnessed her hubby's violence (she was hospitalised on more than one occasion) but in those circumstances a women who has the strength to get out should do as soon as she is able IMHO. If your relationship is not violent/abusive do consider giving relate a go - but don't stay just for the sake of the children. You deserve happiness too - with or without your husband,
It's never an easy decision (((hugs)))

pinkshoes

I also agree with Barneysmom.

Do you feel that you and your husband have communicated with each other, talked things through, and given it your best shot to put a spark back into a relationship? If you haven't, then you need to try this first!

Fact: Relationships require hard work and go stale without it. Go out on a "date" together, have a laugh, remember all the fun you used to have. The two of you have had kids together, so there was obviously a spark there in the first place.