alcoholic SIL fleecing elderly Mil

fsdss

thanks dora and somerset, we had considered this in the past, however it also makes it difficult for example.

on sun (or say xmas day), we will (as usual) invite MIL for dinner, MIL feels guilty that the rest of the family have not invited SIL for dinner so will collect her and take her to our house (often drunk). because of the state of her, my oh will not accommodate her, so the screaming/shoutings start irrespective of wether my toddlers are about. OH is very direct but usually remains calm, the children usually scarper, however MIL will not listen when we tell her sil is not invited.

MIL has been offered alanon groupwork, even with other members of the family going with her but has declined.

MIL would never fall out with her other children, it would just not happen, she didnt even go mad when in honesty other family members have rang the police & made complaints, rang social services made referrals about the childrens care, and subsequent removal from SIL.

i think (although these are only my personal views) and haven't discussed with other family members who are awaiting to see the advice from this thread, a referral to SS maybe the only option.

MIL may be getting a 'reward' from helping SIL but at this rate MIL will be left with no money to care for herself. for example her toilet in her house has been broken for ages,probably 18months, so she has been using a comode, and emptying it in the drain the cost of the repair is less than £500 yet she will give SIL this money for her phonebill. If we as a family (like we have done similar in the past) pay for the repair MIL will give £500 for SIL to help her out with her next bill, so we try to avoid offering now.
its hearbreaking when you see someone being taken advantage of like this when you feel able financially to support a parent in their elderly years, but are restricted.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

MIL would never fall out with her other children, it would just not happen, she didnt even go mad when in honesty other family members have rang the police & made complaints, rang social services made referrals about the childrens care, and subsequent removal from SIL

If you're absolutely certain that your MIL reasonably took things in her stride when SS where involved last time possibly she could accept some input from SS again. It's possible that is what she's waiting for, unable to take that step for herself but able to accept others doing it for her although perhaps the emotional rewards your MIL gains from the relationship with her daughter shouldn't be underplayed.
Her living conditions are completely unacceptable which makes me wonder if she's lost touch with reality a bit, certainly she appears to have no insight into her daughter's behaviour or her own part in maintaining the behaviour.
Have you considered having an informal 'hypothetical' discussion with the older peoples social work team manager? It might help you to clarify your thoughts on a way foward.
I have to say that if I was your MIL's next door neighbour or a distant relative and aware of the abuse she's experiencing I would contact SS immediately with an allegation of abuse and ask them to deal with it as an emergency.
I would be more than happy for you to PM me if you'd like to bounce ideas off me privately. Best wishes.

mussgo

Hi
Is there any possiblility of getting your MIL away for a couple of weeks..or a month ? Or do you all live locally to each other.

I am thinking that she might need some distance, to get some perspective. (Apart form the very real need of rest !).
I lived through many years with an alcohlic and could not see that I was adding to the problem ....I was the mule who got the got the drink had i not, I was hit. However by staying I was helping no one. Once parted I saw it from another side that was hidden, no matter what anyone had said previously.

Just a thought.

fsdss

mussgo wrote:

Hi
Is there any possiblility of getting your MIL away for a couple of weeks..or a month ? Or do you all live locally to each other.

we all live within 5 miles of each other, and yes we took MIL to the west country last year for 2 weeks - she paid for SIL to come and meet us by train and totally ruined the holiday...we were evicted cos SIL put her empty cans down the toilet blocking it and also because of her abusive screaming and loud phonecalls throughout the night!! she didnt pay for anything on her holiday apart from booze and fags, and MIL paid for her meals etc throughout.

fsdss

thanks dora, yes your right about her living conditions i guess things have just gone too far and whilst its easy to acknowledge a problem, its difficult to hear someone elses perspective when theres so much going on. got other SIL coming round 2morrow, she's suggesting that her and her siblings go and speak to mum together(there are a lot of them) and unitedly tell her what support they think she needs so her living conditions will go on the list to talk about.

chas1937

Having read all the posts and being an alcoholic myself although sober for just over 5 years I can really see where your sil is coming from.An alcoholic will never ever admit that drink is the root of all the problems,its always this or that IE needing money for phone bill etc.Until she gets too her rock bottom she will continue too fleece your mil.If shes lucky she might get sober once she realises that its drink thats the problem.But then again I,ve knew lot of folk in and out AA who either died behind their door or finished up in mental institute with wet brain.That is not nice thing to see and neither is finding someone dead befind their door which i have done on 2 occasions and all through them thinking it wont happen too me.I also go too prisons on AAs behalf to speak too prisoners and its amazing how many in there have committed murder and are now doing life sentences for something they did while in blackout through drink.In case anyone is thinking if someone is in a blackout its not that their unconcious but still able too appear sober while all the time they dont remember a thing about whats happened around them.I,ve been there so do know what I,m talking about but thankfully it wasnt for murder just police assault and first i knew about it was when I came too in police cell.I think Al-Anon would be helpfull for your mil as there certainly arent any down and outs there.Come too think of it even at AA most folk get shock when they come as they think all the sober folk there arent real alcoholics.If only they knew some of the horrors most of the folk went through they would think differently

fsdss

thanks chas thats really useful, it helps throw a different perspective on the life of an alcoholic and helps me have a better understanding of whats happening. i know that alanon is not full of down and outs too. and alcoholics are from every walk of life.

good luck and well done for being sober for 5yrs i bet your family are proud of you

chas1937

Well fsdss the only way to do it is really just ODAAT especially at first as the thought of never drinking again is totally alien too an alcoholic.Thing is if a person cant go for just that day then its matter of taking it down too hour at a time.I,m off too bed now as nearly 1am but glad to have been of some help

chas1937

I,ve just had 2 txt messages from girls in AA to tell me that they were going too dance and a ceilidh.One is in Alexandria and other in Motherwell.So although being an alcoholic it doesnt stop you doing normal things like that.Only thing thats required of anyone coming too AA is that they TRY and I must emphasise that,stay away from that 1st drink because thats the one that sets up the compulsion to drink more.If your allergic too say peanuts or chocolate then you dont touch them and its same with alcohol

mr218

it is a truly tragic situation and is blighting the life of your MIL and SIL.

personally i feel from reading all this that this is a situation of mutual dependency.

my feeling is that to some extent your MIL perpetuates this situation because she feels needed by her daughter. the rest of her children are well settled and dont really need her.

so she is always there for her daughter and her daughter in a 'perverse way' is always there for her.

in fact it seems as though the more you try and tell her to stop helping your SIL,the more determined she seems to be to help her.

maybe you all need to tell your MIL that you have all had enough. she is welcome but not with your SIL. i assume that your SIL is far too gone to see any sense.

Also stop asking her to stop helping her daughter and when she goes on about your SIL and her problems tell her that you are not really keen to listen because it is the same old story and there is no change.

basically detach yourself from your SIL-MIL issue and only deal with her on an individual basis. it is cruel in many ways but you must not allow yourself to indirectly pander to your SIL's wants.

some people seem to thrive on attention no matter how negative it is. your MIL probably hangs on this as it gives her life more significance.

I am sorry if i sound unkind and presumptuous, but in my experience people who complain about problems but never take any steps to sort it out do not really want these problems to go as they have an emotional dependency on them. I have had friends who complain about bfs etc and never really do anything about it even though it is in their power to make changes if they really wanted.

your MIL needs to reach a point where she can no longer be pushed. your supporting her will only make that point longer to reach.