alcoholic SIL fleecing elderly Mil

fsdss

margaretclare wrote:

As a woman of your MIL's generation (even though I don't consider myself to be elderly!!!) can I say that it's extremely difficult for a mother to do this kind of 'tough love' which is obviously needed here. Very difficult indeed! SIL is her daughter, she gave birth to her, has been 'there for her' over many years, and probably no one can convince MIL to take the route which is so glaringly obvious to everyone else."

thanks margaretclare i do understand as i have children of my own, but i cant help worry about MIL when she has 4 other children in the family, who are willing to support her in every other aspect other than supporting SILs addiction. and cant seem to get it through to her that she is sacrificing her life (emotionally and financially) to helping someone (who is self abusing) when there are other family members who would like to enjoy her company.

catch22

Somerset wrote:

What Alanon is known for are the 3 C's.

You can't control it - you can't cure it - you didn't cause it.

Logically anyone would accept this - emotionally it is always tough.

Is Alanon for family and friends or for the self-harmer?
If it's the former perhaps Alanon should stick to Two C's.....The alcoholic is too blame for the abuse. It is indeed up to that person to control and cure it but perhaps someone or something (which usually involves someone) set it off or there again perhaps not, who knows?

Once behind that closed door, we know no more......and usually don't want too.

lynzpower

I speak as a assistant social worker in an older persons social services team

I personally would recommend that your mother be referred to the social services department. We are skilled in both family therapy, and protection. A social worker will need to meet your MIL and discuss the situation, and the effects. Basically, the assessment will be whether your mother is being financially, or physically/emotionally abused. If your mother is, a SW can either councell/ work with your mother to 'let go' or help with more practical arrangements should they be deemed neccesary.

This may sound drastic, but its not really any different to support groups, aside from the protection angle, of course depends how severe the situation is.

Just something for you to think about, do PM me if you want to chat about it
Lynz
xxx

lynzpower

catch22 wrote:

Is Alanon for family and friends or for the self-harmer?
If it's the former perhaps Alanon should stick to Two C's.....The alcoholic is too blame for the abuse. It is indeed up to that person to control and cure it but perhaps someone or something (which usually involves someone) set it off or there again perhaps not, who knows?

Once behind that closed door, we know no more......and usually don't want too.

Al-Anon is a support group for families of people who abuse alchohol

fsdss

lynzpower wrote:

I personally would recommend that your mother be referred to the social services department. We are skilled in both family therapy, and protection. A social worker will need to meet your MIL and discuss the situation, and the effects. Basically, the assessment will be whether your mother is being financially, or physically/emotionally abused. If your mother is, a SW can either councell/ work with your mother to 'let go' or help with more practical arrangements should they be deemed neccesary.


xxx

thanx lynz, i actually work with a few s/workers (mainly children and family services) in my team and although they are aware of the situation, no-one has ever suggested this. i think i will do this referral on tues, however MIL will not be pleased as she had a rather unpleasant experience with a SW when SILs circumstances were investigated over the care of her young children, thankfully the children are in the care of another family member now.

gosh this thread is starting to sound as though we are a right bunch of *****

margaretclare

I appreciate lynz's suggestion, and it may be the only possible solution. I wouldn't like this if it were me, though. MIL is doing her best as she sees it for her own flesh and blood - all right, we all think it's misguided, 'tough love' is what's needed here. But is MIL really 'vulnerable' and 'being abused'? Or is she just blinkered and making the wrong decisions for what she probably sees as the right reasons? MIL may not have lost her marbles, she may just be blinded by love.

Me, I'd hate to have a SW coming around trying to tell me what to do.

Margaret Clare

fsdss

margaret
MIL has been bitten by SIL on the arm and at the Doctors infront of her Doctor, had numerous bruising on her body by SIL, she's threatened to stab her, hit her etc on a weekly basis, and twice stood outside MILs house screaming and shouting and put the windows in of her car

the Dr did get her (SIL)to be admitted to hospital, but when sober (24hrs later) she fooled the doctors who were assessing her mental health and they discharged her.
she is in danger but refuses to accept that her daughter would do something drastic and threaten her wellbeing, mil just states that she is ill and needs help and as nobody else will do the job, so yes she is vulnerable from physical and emotional harm.

fsdss

oh and on one occasion the neighbour called the police cos SIL was screaming abuse at the house and any passer by and was locked up for breach of the peace.

Dora_the_Explorer_5

Good, practical information from Lynz. I'd just like to add a word of warning. You say your MIL is stubborn and feels committed to helping your SIL. If you formally allege that your MIL is vulnerable and being financially and emotionally abused without her knowledge - she may never forgive you and your actions could cause your MIL to be even more stubborn and committed in her support for your SIL.
If your MIL has capacity, and you haven't mentioned that she hasn't, then she is perfectly able to make decisions about how she lives her life, however wrong those decisions may appear to be. The fact that your MIL is so staunch in her support for your SIL despite everything that has happened whilst she's been drinking sounds like your MIL does benefit from the relationship, however dysfunctional it appears to be. However, having said that, your MIL is clearly being financially and emotionally abused by your SIL but I think you would be wise to prepare yourself for any damage your allegation of abuse might cause to your relationship with your MIL and possibly her other children.
It might be helpful for you to have a look at the Action on Elder Abuse website.

Somerset

There's a similarity ( in a way ) between the SIL and MIL positions :

A person can support or encourage or advise .... but ultimately not MAKE another person change their behaviour.

The SIL is an alcoholic .... she is destroying her life .... but nobody but herself can force her to stop drinking, seek help, approach AA or even acknowledge she is an alcoholic and needs help.

The MIL is an enabler. Wrong decision but totally based on love. You can tell her about Alanon - it will give her support and maybe open her eyes to how other people have dealt with a similar situation. She is being damaged but think's that is a price worth paying. You cannot MAKE her deal with this situation differently.

I just think involving others ( social services ) is a looking for a 'magic wand' to fix this. The person ( MIL ) has to change her dealings with SIL. Back to Alanon.