[Domestic] What to do?

d0nkeyk0ng

Long time reader, first time poster (technically a lie since I used to post under a different username a good while ago).

Just had a chat with my mum. Apparently, there's been some problems at home. I knew a little about it but not as much as I do now.

My father and mother married about 28 years ago. Because we're Indian, it was an arranged marriage. All was well until about 7-8 years into it when my father started drinking. Mother was okay with it. For a few years, there were the odd fights and arguments - always when my father had been drinking. I was aware of them as a kid but didn't know much about it and my mother wasn't forthcoming.

For the past five years, this has escalated where my mother has suffered verbal and emotional abuse, and occasionally physical abuse. I was aware things were getting a little rocky but my mother never let on about what had been happening. I had since moved away to uni.

A few nights ago, my mother was in the bedroom, quietly reading (she tends to stay away from my father after 9pm when he's likely to be drinking). He lay down a belt in front of her and demanded obedience. She didn't say anything. At that point, he ran off downstairs and my mother called my sister and they locked themselves in. They called my grandparents who arrived and demanded to know what was going on. My father denied any threatening behaviour.

I dread to think what could have happened.

Something has to be done.

I've been working for two years over 200 miles away and now managed to get a job back in my hometown. The plan was for me stay with my parents and save enough money to buy a house so I could afford to move and take my mother with me. Having heard what has happened, I don't know whether I should move back and try to settle/stop things or whether that would make things worse.

Is there anything else I can do? Going to family for help isn't likely to generate a positive response and I do not wish for my grandparents to come under duress from my father. My sister and mother do not have enough cash to make moving out a realistic possibility.

I don't have enough to buy a house (barely £2-3k in savings as I've been making enough just to survive) so I'm gonna have to rent. This might work but the problem is my father knows where my sister and mother work and I am concerned about him doing something whilst they are going to/from work. Obviously with the economy the way it is, neither is working much (3x/wk max) and neither would be able to find work elsewhere, leaving me as the lone supporter.

I've been looking at womens' refuges and such where my mother and sister might escape to but I don't know if there's anything else or anywhere else to turn to. I feel helpless sitting here.

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Emmzi

there is a sticky at the top of this board about guidance from Refuge.

Errata

Don't know whereabouts you and your mum are but http://www.southallblacksisters.org.uk/ will give help and advice for those in London and they will also know of organisations like theirs in other parts of the country.
Domestic violence is a crime.

elljay20

Emmzi wrote: »

there is a sticky at the top of this board about guidance from Refuge.

you took the words right out of my mouth. sorry op, this must be horrible for you.

Ronnietink

Hi,

Just to let you know there are specialist refuges for asian women. These would offer advice also over the telephone please feel free to pm me if you need further details as work for womens aid

Dinah93

On a practical level does either your mum or her sister work? Could you get a 3 bed flat (or 2 bed, and they share) all together? She will be entitled to some money if she divorces him, but in the short term you might have to help her until this comes through or she can get a job.

Pee

Contact Refuge, because the obvious option is for you father to move out and for there to be an injunction against him. What I don't like is you seem to think he would approach them on the way to work. Are you really scared he would come after them? In that case, would he listen to the police/ an injunction?

d0nkeyk0ng

Dinah93 wrote: »

On a practical level does either your mum or her sister work? Could you get a 3 bed flat (or 2 bed, and they share) all together? She will be entitled to some money if she divorces him, but in the short term you might have to help her until this comes through or she can get a job.

Yeah this is the option we're thinking about now. I've already asked them to get their passports/drivers licence/bank statements etc - anything they might need urgently and store it at the grandparents'. That way if there's a sudden argument or flare up and they get kicked out, at least they have some money and ID.

Pee wrote: »

Contact Refuge, because the obvious option is for you father to move out and for there to be an injunction against him. What I don't like is you seem to think he would approach them on the way to work. Are you really scared he would come after them? In that case, would he listen to the police/ an injunction?

I'm not scared of my father but more scared of him harming them. He has made numerous threats to my mother, unbeknownst to any of us so I wouldn't put it past him to try and get my mother back. Think police/injunction would make matters worse.

I am genuinely leaning towards moving out and my sister and I support the three of us. I can pay rent and bills but paying for things like furnishings puts the price up, whereas some furnished places are much more expensive (obviously).

smartpicture

It's lovely that you are so willing to uproot your life to support your mum and sister like that.

However - I have to ask, is all this actually what your mother wants? At no point have you suggested that she has said she wants to leave him, just that you think 'something has to be done'. It's admirable that you want to do this, but you need to be very careful that it doesn't go from a husband telling her what to do, to a son/daughter telling her what to do. 'Doing something' could involve something less drastic than moving them out from his house, such as you or his parents speaking to him about what is and isn't acceptable, or about getting help for his drinking. Maybe it's gone beyond this, I don't know, but you need to be clear about what your mother actually wants in terms of support & help, not what you think she needs.

woody01

I had a childhood similar to that.

Turing up one day at my mum and dads (i was 23), they were arguing on the drive.

Dad went for mum, so i stuck him on his ar$3.
He has NEVER done it again........................................

d0nkeyk0ng

smartpicture wrote: »

It's lovely that you are so willing to uproot your life to support your mum and sister like that.
However - I have to ask, is all this actually what your mother wants?

Although the family has had some rocky times, we had hoped that my being there would help calm things down and we could all move (we've been trying to redecorate to sell and move to another area). As a result, I applied for jobs in the area close to home (practically walking distance if it doesn't rain) and been accepted, so I'm moving regardless. Personally, I wanted to be closer to my family too.

My mother has no faith or trust in my father anymore. She was and still is scared to the bone about being in the house with him now. Refuses to sleep in the same bed etc. Moving away from him is something we've lightly thought about in the belief that my father would improve (he had, up until this last incident, improving and making more of an effort to cut down his drinking etc). But alas, with this happening, moving is something we're seriously considering.

We wouldn't be thinking of going down this route if my mother didn't want to leave him.

woody01 wrote: »

I had a childhood similar to that.

Turing up one day at my mum and dads (i was 23), they were arguing on the drive.
Dad went for mum, so i stuck him on his ar$3. He has NEVER done it again........................................

I am completely prepared to go as far as is necessary to protect my mother and sister. What hurts me just as much is that my father was never innately bad - he always looked out for us and meant the best, even if it sometimes didn't seem that way. But he has gone downhill in his behaviour, drinking etc over the last few years. Maybe there are underlying psychological or emotional issues. Had he not done what he did, we (as a family) could have tackled the issues and helped him.

We all feel this has gone beyond any simple remedy.