Ex leaving Scotland for Finland

Dancing_Shoes

There are no words to describe this man!:mad:

I am 100% for making any nrp pay towards the upbringing of their child but your story just sounds like it will never have the ending you want:(

He is obviously going to live his life avoiding paying for his child and that is unforgivable but it seems like so far he has got away with it:mad:, does it cost you money to be chasing him? The only reason I ask is that if it was me then I would not want to continue this fight as there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel (after all how many nrp's move country to avoid paying maintenance?) and it would be sad for you to live your life chasing money that you may never recieve
This is only my opinion and in no way do I condone what he has done, far from it he is obviously the lowest type of scum but don't let him dictate the rest of your life!
Did he stop contact with his child because of the maintenance?

Gailo

We struggle coming up with words to be honest!
We have spent a lot of time and money so far, but it's a struggle. It's hard explaining to my son why he can't gat what he'd been promised by his NRP in the past. His biological dad struggled to manage keeping his life together, which is why we wanted to support him in pulling himself back together whilst shielding our son from it. But he used to cancel or be really late for meetings with son, and one day stopped contact all together without explanation.
He phoned every now and again after a month or two, but not really in a reliable way, and it was not long after that he announced he was moving to Finland with a lady he met online. Since then he basically avoided any attempts we made to sort things out in terms of visits or maintenance.
Despie moaning to all who would listen about how much he loved his son, he didn't even arrange a way to tell him he was leaving and properly say goodbye, so we've been left to deal with an upset little boy. We can take it all though, he's struggling at the moment.
Our main focus is our wee family unit anyway, just wanted to know if everyone thought, like we are starting to, that there's no point in chasing this up. We gave up chances of work/moving so that our son could stay in the same place as his biological dad and his family. It's beginning to look like we should have been a bit more selfish then.
We'll just have to do our best to make sure our boy knows that we care more about him being happy and settled every day, than trying to figure this money thing out!

DUTR

Gailo wrote: »

We struggle coming up with words to be honest!
We have spent a lot of time and money so far, but it's a struggle. It's hard explaining to my son why he can't gat what he'd been promised by his NRP in the past. His biological dad struggled to manage keeping his life together, which is why we wanted to support him in pulling himself back together whilst shielding our son from it. But he used to cancel or be really late for meetings with son, and one day stopped contact all together without explanation.
He phoned every now and again after a month or two, but not really in a reliable way, and it was not long after that he announced he was moving to Finland with a lady he met online. Since then he basically avoided any attempts we made to sort things out in terms of visits or maintenance.
Despie moaning to all who would listen about how much he loved his son, he didn't even arrange a way to tell him he was leaving and properly say goodbye, so we've been left to deal with an upset little boy. We can take it all though, he's struggling at the moment.
Our main focus is our wee family unit anyway, just wanted to know if everyone thought, like we are starting to, that there's no point in chasing this up. We gave up chances of work/moving so that our son could stay in the same place as his biological dad and his family. It's beginning to look like we should have been a bit more selfish then.
We'll just have to do our best to make sure our boy knows that we care more about him being happy and settled every day, than trying to figure this money thing out!

Sorry to learn about your episode Gailo, what the NRP has done is not right, however to be honest , I would (or have ) done similar. Your last few lines seem to summarise a lot of these CSA PWC posts, that it's not really about the money, it's about being fair. Child support contributions and access should not be dictated by the PWC, and it has been observed in other episodes that a NRP can/will just switch off and seek a content life elsewhere, if it is true that we only live once, then contentment / happiness for oneself is going to be very high on one's hierachy of needs.

PlayingHardball

Hi Gailo,
I wouldn't spend any money chasing this, let REMO do it for you. Whether you get success or not, at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that unlike countless men who have done this, you will have given your best shot at making this NRP face his financial responsibilities to your child.

I'm not sure how you can go about finding our where he lives. Thats tricky. It took me 3 months, and only got his address because he finally told one of our daughters (who quickly emailed it to me) If he only knew! His older children know their Dad for what he is now, and they've pretty much turned their back on him.

DUTR, not sure if I'm reading you right, are you saying that you've turned your back on your financial obligations to support your child so that you could 'seek a contented life somewhere else'? If so, shame on you.

I agree, the PWC shouldn't be dictate child support contributions, I'd like to know one instance where this has been the case? This is what the CSA is all about, they are there to try and make it fair to both the PWC and NRP. As you say, its not really about the money, but there are many NRP who begrudge parting with 'what is fair' for their children.

DUTR

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Hi Gailo,


DUTR, not sure if I'm reading you right, are you saying that you've turned your back on your financial obligations to support your child so that you could 'seek a contented life somewhere else'? If so, shame on you.

I agree, the PWC shouldn't be dictate child support contributions, I'd like to know one instance where this has been the case? This is what the CSA is all about, they are there to try and make it fair to both the PWC and NRP. As you say, its not really about the money, but there are many NRP who begrudge parting with 'what is fair' for their children.

No, I just pay and go, as for the dictating, the PWC does dictate as they choose whether to get the csa involved in the 1st place, if they are not involved they sometimes dictate what they deem is a fair contribution, and then lets not forget that they dictate access and contact.
Life is too short to be having those sort of fights, it won't be long before the child is old enough to make their own decsisions and conclusions.
In the case of the OP (and other episodes posted on MSE) I don't think one can put a monetary value on a child being denied access to both parents. A lot of csa case are only opened through spite if truth be known.

Gailo

Just to make it clear, not all PWC get the CSA involved to be vindictive or to exercise control. When my relationship ended, I was in the middle of a degree. I had to become a single parent, and then claim single parent benefit. This would be over three years ago now. The Benefits Agency basically ensured that I had no reason not to give them all the info I had on my ex, and they alerted the CSA, not myself. I faced a 40% decrease in entitlement to benefits. I have friends who work for the CSA, and I did not want them to become a part of my life.
When the rules changed, we contacted my ex so that we could come to a private agreement between ourselves, rather than keeping the CSA involved. He refused, time and time again. He then left his job as he didn't want his money to keep heading towards us (it was around £25 a week).
I don't know who these all powerful PWC are who can dictate what their children do or where they stay. My son is 8, and already has strong wishes as to where he wants to be and who with. No decent person would try and hurt their child through hurting their ex.
We are being responsible adults, and should not be made to feel guilty for moving on, and for asking for the support our children are entitled to. This site is surely about people being treated fairly, as long as they live and act within rules?
My son will have to grow up knowing that his biological father found the prospect of going into hiding and having his version of a clean slate more enticing than coming to a reasonable (or any) agreement, and making time each day or each week to talk to or see his son.
Any adult who has helped bring life into this world and has the ability to be part of their childs life, could utilise the courts and systems in place to remain a part of that childs life. They can make an effort to be civil and come to a place in their life where they can come to a mutually beneficially arrangement for them and their child.
But that seems like too much of an effort so very often.
I can look my son in the face and know that I've done everything I could to let him have the family links and relationships he deserves. Not everyone wanted the same as me, you can't make people become responsible when they have ostensibly given up.

DUTR

Gailo, no one doubted your intentions, and my post was not aimed at you personally although posted in your thread. More fool to those NRPs that try and avoid the csa. As for the powerful PWCs there are plenty that post on this forum and many to help them suceed, if some of these nrps realised it is easier to pay than run, then things would be much simpler. I agree that people should not be made to feel guilty about moving on and hence why I can understand why in your case the nrp has up'd and off'd as you know him better than we, and I'm sure you know just like anybody else he seeks happiness somewhere and with someone and not seeing his son is a sacrifice he is prepared to make. Much as it hurts your son and in turn you. I must be getting old as to be honest I don't see much love around in this world anymore and I feel sorry for all the children of present, less people are getting married and more are getting divorced, we see people like Jordan and JG plastered in the papers is that the new standard of living? (this is all for debate and not an attack on anybody personally).

PlayingHardball

DUTR, the PWC absolutely does NOT dictate the level of financial support, you said yourself that in your case she tells you what you have to pay and you happily...:)? pay it as you know if she involves CSA it will be more. Hence, your ex is giving you a financial break as you'd be paying more if the CSA dictated how much you would pay. Sounds to me like she plays fair and you should feel fortunate, not 'dictacted to'.

I've read many of your previous posts in previous threads and you seem to be on this forum for one thing and one thing only, to debate the rights of NRP who are forced against their wills to support their children at a level they feel unacceptable. I would say the whole purpose of this forum is to ensure that children receive the support they should, and ensure that knowledge and information is passed and shared to all of us who are involved in supporting their child, both NRP and PWC. (Or NOT supporting their children)

All I can say, is thank God for the child support system because without it, there would be many a less fortunate child in this country.

Dancing_Shoes

Gailo wrote: »

Just to make it clear, not all PWC get the CSA involved to be vindictive or to exercise control.

Not *all* but ours and a few others on the site have done so:rolleyes:

I don't know who these all powerful PWC are who can dictate what their children do or where they stay.

But they can, we have had this

No decent person would try and hurt their child through hurting their ex.

I agree with you on this 100%, no "decent" person would do this, hence why our pwc is not "decent":mad:

Any adult who has helped bring life into this world and has the ability to be part of their childs life, could utilise the courts and systems in place to remain a part of that childs life.

Sometimes the money just runs out when you are fighting someone who breaks the rules all the time and sometimes so much poison has been fed to the children that they choose to stick by their mother:(

They can make an effort to be civil and come to a place in their life where they can come to a mutually beneficially arrangement for them and their child.
But that seems like too much of an effort so very often.

This just isn't true, there are plenty of people on here who have fought for years and spent thousands to see their children but they are by these pwc's (not all) used as a weapon because they are so bitter that the relationship has ended. We were told that if my husband didn't go back to her then she would make sure he didn't see his children:rolleyes:


I have every sympathy for your case (as each case IS individual;)) as it would seem like your ex just couldn't care less and that must be heartbreaking for both you and your son. If you can get remo to fight it on your behalf then I would say go for it but if you have to keep fighting it yourself then I would recommend that you move on and accept him for what he is a useless waste of a person (the nicest words I could find;)) as you could end up paying more in time and money than you will ever recoup. Your son will always have the knowledge that you tried everything you could and I am sure that when he is older he will tell you how much that has meant to him over the years:T

DUTR

PlayingHardball wrote: »

DUTR, the PWC absolutely does NOT dictate the level of financial support, you said yourself that in your case she tells you what you have to pay and you happily...:)? pay it as you know if she involves CSA it will be more. Hence, your ex is giving you a financial break as you'd be paying more if the CSA dictated how much you would pay. Sounds to me like she plays fair and you should feel fortunate, not 'dictacted to'.

I've read many of your previous posts in previous threads and you seem to be on this forum for one thing and one thing only, to debate the rights of NRP who are forced against their wills to support their children at a level they feel unacceptable. I would say the whole purpose of this forum is to ensure that children receive the support they should, and ensure that knowledge and information is passed and shared to all of us who are involved in supporting their child, both NRP and PWC. (Or NOT supporting their children)

All I can say, is thank God for the child support system because without it, there would be many a less fortunate child in this country.

I'm confused, I do pay via the CSA and would only pay via the CSA, perhaps you have got me confused with another poster, my assesment is actually more than it should be, but I don't challenge it, as I don't see my daughter 3 or 4 times a week, it has actually cost me less now (is that what you meant?)

I disagree on your suspicions of why I am on the forum, the general flow though is that if an NRP is not paying it is 'all hands on deck ' to remind the PWC of the sanctions available, when a NRP has issues with the CSA over charging/ghosts arrears etc, the same people are not responding, that is what I see rom the posts, so it is not in my imagination.

But going back to the original topic from the OP, what has actually been achieved now? No money and no contact, I think they have all lost out and that is a great shame.