Today is a new day!

Different_Corner

Dear PAF
Thanks for dropping by my diary.
I just want to say that looking forward is a huge milestone on this path. Like you- at the beginning of this horrible journey - it was very much take each day as it comes, but to be able to see beyond with some sort of idea of where we are going is a huge step

Hope the situation with school improves. You are such a fighter.

emfaz

Hi PAF,

I have read your diary from start to finish and just want to thank you for sharing you're amazing story. For those of us who are proud to be dealing with our debt you are a real inspiration.

I am a social worker :cool: (shh...tiptoes away slowly) working in a hospital team. I constantly need reminding that we are all individuals and have dreams and aspirations. You have achieved more than i can ever hope with DD and owning your home.

Anyway the reason I post is because I can't wait for your book - a reminder of what people can achieve despite living with disabilities is important for everyone in health, social care, business and education (especially head teachers!)

As ever I've warbled - I really wanted to mention that as part of my social work course we were assessed by what my uni described as "Experts by Experience " and other places refer to as service users. Sorry I'm not trying to label you but think of you as fighting not to get caught up in the whole "system" this country seems to use to keep people invisible. The reason I mention it is that your perspective would be so improtant to hear and could really influence practice but b) they are paid for the time ( few days a year). I don't know whether you have a uni near you but perhaps a few days like this or telling your story could allow you to start bits of the book while being paid.

Sorry to butt in and hope I haven't offended you. I think you are an inspiration and setting a great example for DD, showing her we all have to work hard for what we want ( a lesson i wish i'd learnt before i signed my 1st CC agreement at 18) and that you won't stand for the discrimination of SS and the school.

I'm now subscribed and look forward to hearing of the debts, school, sausage rolls, roast chickens and Kl all being beaten into submission.

Keep fighting.

Em

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you for all your encouraging words. I do need them at the mo. It's been a rollercoaster week, and I have wondered if I am going mad. On the finances, all is up straight apart from MBNA. That was due yesterday, I will be paying it next week. Dont feel so guilty as the correspondence Im waiting from them for my complaint with them is now going to take a further month. They told me that yesterday!

So, the school. Well, we are over a week into the term, and nothing from the Head to sort out an appointment. She has been seeing other parents this week for whatever reason. But, we have heard nothing from her or the welfare dept. I called the Advisory Centre of Education yesterday, I can't tell you how it all plays on my mind. the number of lies in that referral are just so depressing to read, the fact that they feel justified in writing them and all behind our backs. I just feel if I dont nip it in the bud what if my health does worsen and it really effects dd and then they say Im not coping etc and then, well I dont want to go there. I feel close to tears just thinking about it. Anyway, ACE have basically said I do in fact have a bit of the "upper hand". My plan is to wait another week. If I haven't heard from the school by Fri, I am going to write to them requesting dd's school records for last year. Remind them Ive requested an appt, and that if I dont hear from them I will be forced to complain to the governors and refer the matter to my MP. The records are the key. If there is emotional upset due to the 11% lateness then I can argue the point of why didn't they tell me before going to Social Services. If it isn't detailed in there, well they have lied. Either way, they have a case to answer. With the welfare dept, I am going to speak to a charity called Family Rights Group on Monday. Essentially, its the same there. I want the incorrect points removed off dd's file, off that referral. I want to know if they consider I have "extreme difficulty caring for dd" why they have left us to it. Why they haven't offered any support? Why doing a carers assessment without communicating the outcome is considered helpful. Everything is as it was before. We are still coping on our own, dd and I. Either way, my disability is here to stay so I need to sort this out and ddis only 7 so many more school years ahead which I want her to enjoy , both of us to enjoy without all this going on and on or repeating itself from time to time.

Moving on, dd's first week hasn't been without drama. She has told me she wants to speak to someone about daddy. Counselling. Following the murder of my dh, nothing in this dept was available for me. I had to look into it myself. There is for the murderer as part of his process but not for us. I dont know if that a national thing, or just area by area depending on resources but theres nothing offered here. Its one of the things the National Victims Assoc is campaigning for, more rights for the families left behind. Anyway, I need to look into it now, will pay if I have to. Dd confided in me that she is angry daddy is dead because of a nasty man and I know thanks to the NVA that this is quite normal to feel but I dont want dd's childhood overcome by the worries she has about me which she has told me, and then the issues around her daddy too. So, this is priority next week, to help my dd. God, I really hope I am a good mum. With Soc Services and the school I have felt a dreadful mum and now I need to do right by dd and make sure she gets the right help. I do wonder if Ineed help too but that will have to wait. Meeting other families from our break away with the NVA, many are on medication to help with their depression as a result of losing a loved one in such a violent way, and I ve managed to stay away from that. Am already on medication for my epilepsy I used to have , I dont really want anymore, but I do wonder if I need something to help some days. Anyway....

So, my head is a feeling on overload, but I just need to hold my nerve. Be strong. Keep working too. Top order ths week, one order alone for £150. Just getting the orders through as frequently as poss to keep the money coming in. I have a customer this week to call who wants to join my Kl team this coming week so thats really good. Another Shining Star (Ive called my team The Shining Stars) Am spending time tom on ebay, doing everything poss to keep us afloat and above water.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

emfaz wrote: »

Hi PAF,

I have read your diary from start to finish and just want to thank you for sharing you're amazing story. For those of us who are proud to be dealing with our debt you are a real inspiration.

I am a social worker :cool: (shh...tiptoes away slowly) working in a hospital team. I constantly need reminding that we are all individuals and have dreams and aspirations. You have achieved more than i can ever hope with DD and owning your home.

Anyway the reason I post is because I can't wait for your book - a reminder of what people can achieve despite living with disabilities is important for everyone in health, social care, business and education (especially head teachers!)

As ever I've warbled - I really wanted to mention that as part of my social work course we were assessed by what my uni described as "Experts by Experience " and other places refer to as service users. Sorry I'm not trying to label you but think of you as fighting not to get caught up in the whole "system" this country seems to use to keep people invisible. The reason I mention it is that your perspective would be so improtant to hear and could really influence practice but b) they are paid for the time ( few days a year). I don't know whether you have a uni near you but perhaps a few days like this or telling your story could allow you to start bits of the book while being paid.

Sorry to butt in and hope I haven't offended you. I think you are an inspiration and setting a great example for DD, showing her we all have to work hard for what we want ( a lesson i wish i'd learnt before i signed my 1st CC agreement at 18) and that you won't stand for the discrimination of SS and the school.

I'm now subscribed and look forward to hearing of the debts, school, sausage rolls, roast chickens and Kl all being beaten into submission.

Keep fighting.

Em

Thanks for this Em. I will look into it. I do want to make a difference in some way in relation for what it would be worth to disability and working, and just living a life as much like everyone else is able to, and also campaign for the rights of families of murder victims too I want to be more proactive in coming from contribution. So, thank you. Ive made a note of what you have detailed here. Thank you.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

I just want to record the vulnerability of the situation at the moment. I feel I am surrounded by friends with husbands/partners where there is the energy of two to deal with the challenges of each day and who have spoken how difficult they are finding the finances etc. I am once again realsing I am just one trying to deal with it all, and I literally feel as if Im on a cliff edge. Am I mad to think I can get through this , Im just me. I am trying to feel ok about visiting the docs, to ask her about a few concerns I have re my disability which are starting to become daily pains literally. Part of me is trying to ignore them, and put it down to stress which is why Ive never mentioned them before, the other is genuinely worried this could be the start of my physical health going downhill even more than just the falling and tripping up. I'm having to concede that my back is not as it should be as I walk, I do need to sit periodically and thats why Kl has been suiting me because I walk to a customers door and then sit back in the car so my back isn't so much of an issue. Im walking for short distances and sitting down in the car for a lot of the day. My "good" knee is also not quite right and hasn't been for a while. Ive just been trying to get on with things as normally as poss. Im thinking it is the strain of being the stronger leg for 45 years is taking its toll. And then my sleeping is still so erratic since my dh situation. 7 years of erratic sleeping. I try and deal with it for a few nights and then Im back to square one. Dh had 39 wounds, not 1 0r 2, 39. Why? It haunts me so much. Im dreading 5 years time when the next bit is dealing with the potential release of the murderer. He knows where we live, we do not have a right to know where he will be. We can say he can't live near us, but there are "horror" stories of victims unknowingly living near the offender due to errors by probation. Its all whirling round my head. Im sort of plodding and yet wanting to embrace life, and do well, and do right by dd, and what I want to be able to do and what I can physically and mentally do at themoment are two different things. I just need to really pull myself out of ths state and take stock and hold of the situation. I do know the Social services saga has been the final straw. I feel my very rights to be accepted as a person who happens to have a disability and who is wanting to be a mum to her dd are being threatened to the very core and by totally misleading and untrue comments. Why would anyone want to distort a situation unless they dont think dd should be with me and I should be a mum? Or maybe they dont approve of disabled mums? Why do I feel that disability seems to be a crime? The support I would have access to is it seems only there if I dont work. This social services saga would not be happening if I wasn't disabled because the reasons dd and I have been late are related to that. I know I just have to find that inner strength to fight for my rights to just have a life like everyone else is entitled to, just Im acutely aware more andmore that my starting block feels as if its a long way back from everyone else! Pull myself together thats what Ive got to do.

Positives:
My dd is a beautiful little soul.
We are alive.
We are in a dear home for which the mortgage is upstraight albeit with having had 2 months payt hols.
The debt is reducing.
We have been blessed with the support of two charities.
I have my own business which IS sustaining us.
The sun is shining today.
Come on paf, get a grip!

beanielou

You do have a lot to fdeal with & it is all compounded by your disability.
Being a disabled person can be tough as can being a single parent.
You have both to deal with & all the issues relating to the murder of your husband.
It is tough & you also have to deal with the debts.
BUt as you rightly point out there are positives too.
Take care x

satchmo1

P&F, I'm sorry officious people are getting you down right now - just remember, they're really the disabled ones. If someone has to rely on lies, that makes them disabled brains, and they just use their lies more and more often as they sink deeper and deeper. Whereas you, my dear inspirational, honest and triumphal lady, are constantly inspiring your dear readers and giving your darling daughter the most beautiful example to carry her through life's trials and tribulations. I lurk in the hope of seeing a post from you, and am always amazed by your achievements.

If the dreaded "middle of the night worries" keep you awake, try scribbling down the worry (you don't even have to turn the light on, it doesn't have to be legible). The amazing thing is that your brain is placated by the fact that there is a concrete reminder to tackle the task it is trying to keep remnind you about. I've done this on many occasions and I found I could sleep afterwards.

As for falling asleep in the chair (as I have read that you have done) early evening, why not go to bed as soon as your DD does and tell yourself you'll get up earlier? If you do, great, if you don't then your body must have needed more sleep.

Love and hugs in extra portions.
Satchmo

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Thank you for your kind words. Shouldn't be on here because its a school morning and I need to make sure we are on time. However, I just want to record the physically sick feeling I have right now. We have an hour to finish getting ready and we will do it.

Anyway, I saw a ffriend yesterday afernoon for a cuppa. She has read the referral. I value the opinion of others as I want to make absolutely sure I am doing the right thing and what I am saying in my letters is correct beyond question. She actually pointed out more sentences which are misleading or untrue than I had put in my letter to the Welfare dept. And so I feel assured that I need to see this through.

On with the day, I have a busy one, collecting brochures and then doing deliveries of orders before collecting dd from the afterschool club. Sausages for supper. I will keep focused and determined to get everything done without for once crying about the Soc Services thing. Have decided if I start to think about it will put the radio up in the car to bash it out of my brain!

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Well, today Im feeling stronger and more empowered than I have for a long time.

So, I found out about ACE, a charity that specialise in the Education Act and the Disability Discrimination Act. They have since put me in touch with the Family Rights Group who help with families dealing with Social Services. In turn they have given me some valuable advice and details of a website for disabled parents, disabled parents network. Both Family Rights and the disabled parent website have a number of publications which detail government guidelines on soc service and disabled parent/child matters. These have been really helpful. The disabled parent network have a forum, advocacy service and lots more. So, my plan:
The school: I wrote to them two weeks ago asking for their Carers policy and an appt with the Head. Still have not heard anything. If that is still the case at the end of the week, I will proceed with the complaint procedure via the Board of Governors. I now have access to an official study which examines the relationship between disabled parents and schools and how in some cases the attitudes of the school is not one of support and indeed disabled parents are treated as if they are invisible including decisions made about the family. The need for understanding the plight of sole disabled parents with regard to getting their children to school on time is particularly highlighted. Furthermore, I want to question with them the issue on my dds referral to Soc Services regarding her "emotional upset". If it did happen and as regularly as is claimed in their report I want to know why I wasn't advised. If it didn't which is what I suspect, I want to know how such a claim can find itself in a soc services referral. Either way they have a case to answer.
The Welfare Dept, again wrote to them two weeks ago, have heard nothing. Have since found out that government guidelines stipulate that just because a child has a disabled parent does not mean they should be automatically assessed, also the importance of discussing the family needs with the family, that is including myself. Neither of these happened in my case, I was not spoken to at all about anything. Also, the importance of accurate referrals and assessments. The welfare dept has definately failed in this area. I intend to complain to the Local Authority and my MP if I still have not heard from them by the end of the week.

I intend to emphasise to both that I never wanted things to get this far. That I have and will always do my best to get dd to school. Stress that according to their figures 89% on times was achieved last year. This year we are two weeks into the term and we have been late by 10 mins just once. Dds attendance is 99.5%. Why the failure to follow government guidelines and best practice procedures?
Why am I being ignored with regard to correspondence that requires a response?

So, otherwise, things are tight, and I have been feeling v tearful about things, but then just when I wonder if Im doing the right thing by working etc and wondering if I am mad, some of my customers have offered little presents for dd, one a pen set, another a box of maltesers, another some mickey mouse toys she had in her loft!Its not the presents so much as the fact that they think of dd and us. How kind is that?
Then, I collect dd from my parents yesterday to find mum had got me some food shopping, then today one of the charities who took us away this year has delivered some tins of food. Then finding out about disabled parents network etc has made me feel stronger to see it all through, keep focused on my business and keep trying my best in all areas of life. And, Kl sales this week are pushing the £1K mark. Thank you my guardian angel!

InaPickle

:T PaF!

Sorry I haven't been around much. I read your last post and felt really bad for you. I think that things go in peaks and troughs, and if your penultimate post was a low, then you are certainly back on a high!

Keep going PaF: moments of self doubt are inevitable, and in your case compounded by the fact that you don't always have someone to mull them over with, but you are doing just great and if you keep putting in the time and energy, good things just HAVE to happen as a result.

Them's the rules!