Partner treating kids unfairly

lyn07

I live with my 3 children who are 19, 17 and 13, about 1 1/2 ago my partner moved in, he has 3 children from his ex-wife. They are 12, 9 and nearly 5, my partner used to see them every sunday afternoon for 4 hours, after a few months of him moving in I suggested to him to spend more time with them by having them over every fortnight so we have them for the whole weekend, to be able to do this I brought a bed that had a double bed on the bottom so that his daughter can stay in with my girls, she is the 5 year old, and my girls are the 19 and 17 year olds. his 2 boys aged 12 and 9 squeeze in with my 13 year old son. my sons room is very small so we use a blow up mattress on the floor. Me and my children have put ourselves out with this situation every fortnight as we live in a very small house and my kids have never complained about sharing their rooms, just so my partner can have some quality time with his children. The problem arises over my partner changing rules with the kids when his are over, its not so much my 2 eldest girls but with my son, I have always tried to treat them all equally, what 1 cant do then the others dont, my partner will allow his kids on his laptop as soon as they get here every fortnight, all 3 boys including my son take it in turns, but when his kids are not here my son will ask if he can go on it, he will say he is not using it, so he is not switching it on. (makes no sense to me if he is not using it anyway), he has never once said to his kids that he is not switching it on. I feel that he is trying to cause a divide with his kids and me and my kids, last weekend he was tired and started a argument with me while they were here, I took myself out of the way and sat in the garden for most of the day. When we talked the next day after they had left, he said that he enjoyed me not being around, even though he plays games with them without me being in the same room as him normally anyway. I am thinking that perhaps he should go back to sundays, then he can take them out and none of us will be there.We are having a baby in november this year, and I have always tried to think of all the kids as brothers and sisters, and his kids need a relationship with the baby. Because my partner is causing problems I feel like I am starting to resent his children, which is what I don't want to do. I have not got any problems with him spending time with kids, I just feel that the rules should not change when his kids are here and vice versa. Has anyone got any advice? thanx.

redruby

Hi Lyn,

I am not sure stopping the sleepovers is a good idea, i think his children may be hurt and resentful about it if you did. At the same time he cannot treat your children differently to his, its simply not fair, and quite rightly you are not happy with this.

I would sit and talk with him, and let him know you have noticed his unfairness, and maybe say to him that the sleepovers may have to stop if he does not start treating them all the same.

I can understand your frustration, as mums we always want the best for our kids, and I must say you are very calm about it, I would want to smack him over the head with the laptop.

I hope you manage to get it sorted xx

GC81

Hi,
Not a fun situation to be in i'm sure but there are ways around it.
Its great how you have managed so far to fit everyone in and make them welcome.
You need to talk about this with him, I wouldnt say about changing his time with his kids, I wouldnt imagine only seeing mine for a few hours on a sunday to be fair. However he does need to treat them all equally whether you are all together or not.
If its the laptop thats causing the problems then it is only used by you and him, no children allowed at all.
With your son being closer in age to his boys maybe he just struggles to adapt to being without his again, he must miss them.

Nothing I've written is of much use but I do hope you can talk with your partner and come to a resolve.

woody01

Has it occured to you that the kids that you deem are being treated 'unfairly' are the ones that get the lions share of his time.

He is just trying harder to make his own children aware that he loves them because he doesn't get the time with them that he wants/needs.

MrsAnnie

I think that you really do need to sit down with your OH and talk about this.

I was in a similar situation. My OH daughter is allowed to do what she likes at home, she does no chores, no tidying after herself, goes to bed when it pleases hr and is the center of attention when it suits her mum etc etc. It drove me crazy when she came over to stay because she is the same age as my DDs and there was no equity. Until I put my foot down. Me and OH agreed that when she was over she would be treated the same and abide by the same rules of the house as my DD. Once she settled into the routine she was fine with it, but in the beginning I think that she though she was on holiday every other weekend!

Pee

I think talking is the way through.

I think it is natural that he would want to spend some time with his children without you, but the way he expressed this is no doubt hurtful, esp after all you've done to improve his contact with the children.

I think part of the problem is that you are trying to do this in quite a confined space - well done you and well done your daughters.

pinkshoes

He only gets to see them one weekend per fortnight, so wants to come across as the perfect dad, hence he'll change the rules.

Just sit down and talk it through with him, ask him what he wants, suggest you ALL go out somewhere when they visit, and then on the other day he does something with just his kids.

Alias_Omega

The first problem with the computer can be solved by the purchase of a wireless router (if you dont have one already) and the purchase of a cheap laptop. This can be your laptop, and the kids can use it when they want. I noticed a cheap one within the grabbit boards for £150 (think it was a acer notebook). At 19 & 17 they should consider getting there own computers.

You could free some space up in the house during summer by having a small tent in the garden, the 2 eldest wont be interested in this, but the rest should.

It wont be long before the first 2 start to 'flee the nest' which will free up alot of space in the long term.

Im unsure if his children live close, but as they get older, the interest to go see daddy becomes less and less as they get interest in other things (knock & run, girls, football, hanging round shops etc).

lyn07

A great big thankyou for all your replies, I did try talking to him about it, I have told him that he has to treat them all fairly, his answer to it all is that he does not want to come across as "mean" to his children, but its okay with my son. To be completely honest, the comment on my son gets "the lion's share of him", my partner does very little with him, He has never played games with him like he does his own kids. Dosent really talk to my son unless my son talks to him. My 2 girls are not really around much, so it does not really involve them. It seems to happen every fortnight about different things, I just feel that he wants his kids to not like me, thats why he will cause problems while they are here, the kids then do not talk to me or come near me, I know that it is not his kids fault, it is his, but I am at the end of my teether, I dont feel that this is fair on his kids or mine, I know that he loves his children but even the mention of their names and the defence walls go up. I am more relaxed about mine, if they do something wrong and he has a moan, I do not defend them as I know that they have been wrong. I even suggested in the past that we have them over more often, but he did not want that.

woody01

You are totally missing the point.

He MISSES his own children and is trying to make his time with them special.
Do you really expect him to love your children as much as his own? Its never going to happen and rightly so.

I know you don't want to hear it, but i think you are being a bit selfish (and a tad jealous).

lyn07

How am I being selfish and jealous of the kids being treated fairly? He soon pulls me up if I let my kids do one thing and his do another, we went on holiday and took 5 of the kids with us, which I paid for, I enjoy his children coming around and doing things with them, I just do not want this divide, and if I was selfish and jealous of them, I would not offer to have them round 1 evening in the week so he can spend more time with them, which he said was too much.