Want to enjoy life again...

bunty109

He's a piece of work asking £150 a week to pick his own kids up from school. I would probably be cheaper to get a childminder to do it....

celyn90

Doesn't sound like a dilemma to me You've already done the hard part and got shot of the lazy sod

Tell him to take a running jump and go to college, have fun and do something you enjoy. You only have one life By doing this you can get away from him, you'll probably make yoursefl more employable in the future - so think of it as a long term investment - for both you and your children.

It's pretty low expecting you to pay him for collecting the kids - I'm guessing you have them the rest of the time. Your certainly not his mother and I certainly wouldn't entertain shopping for him whilst he wastes his cash in the pub He should be working his backside off to help provide for the kids and if his self-employment isn't working then he should do something else rather than shirk his responsibilties.

You are not pathetic in the slightest - it happens to us all that we get so wrapped up in life and work we suddenly look up and wonder where the last few years have gone - you have the chance to change this and you will always make new friends by meeting people through You've shown your stength already, you might not feel it at times, but you can do anything

MortgageMamma

Thanks. I feel a bit better now I've heard it from others. Hard to keep on an even keel when your emotions are all over the place. I gave him £100 this afternoon - £75 for his dad, and £25 to buy some food. I know he eartn £40 yesterday and has a full tank of petrol (we each have a car)

He's just called me to ask if he can come around to get his "good shirts" for tonight as he's going out with someone "he might be getting some work off". He said his Mum would be with him as he was not fit to drive. He mentioned he'd been out this afternoon at the pub with this person. So, is it me or is this just plain wrong,.

We separate Tuesday. He moved out officially last night. Went straight to the pub. Today all day pub - tonight pub - and he's taking money off me and the kids?

I've just lost the plot with him on the phone as he started threatening to take my car off me (which is not on finance and is in my name anyway) if I don't keep paying him the 75 for his Dad. Added to that he's just started bragging that he's secured two big jobs which will keep him in work for the next 3 months full time!

I'm really struggling to make any sense of this. What sort of man takes money off his soon to be unemployed ex wife and children then goes to the bloody pub with it! the SELFISH BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

mrcow

You can't just look at what returning to work will give you in terms of £x per week or month.

What will rebuilding your career give you in the long term? Once employed, you're not only ever going to earn the same salary. And you don't have to stick to just one job for the rest of your life.

You've not factored in promotions, life changing decsions, networking, ambitions, overtime, opportunities, retraining etc.

One thing is for sure though, if you don't do it, then nothing will change.

Smashing

He's not 'taking' money - you're giving it to him!

Don't make yourself a victim here - take control and put a stop to it. Say it with me now - NO.

MortgageMamma

He;s just been with his mother to pick his shirts up!! After I'd explicitly asked him not to come around - I asked him to send his mother for them. He said "the day he does what I tell him to will be the day hell freezes over". Makes me feel sick to the stomach - drunk and aggressive again. I gave him the shirts and told him he wasn't to come into the house again without my permission. I can see this just getting worse - we were trying to do this on civil terms but its clearly not going to work out that way.

SuziQ

He may tell his dad you are giving him nothing towards the loan-beware! If you are going to repay it all (why?) then do so direct! I really can't understand why you are giving him money for food etc. He is only taking you for a ride because you are allowing him to-stop and stick to your guns. Whatever you give him will just go down his neck in booze and you then don't have that money to support yours-and HIS- children.

Are you entitled to help with childcare on your income? Once you are officially seperated get on to CTC nad WTC to see if you are entitled to extra and don't forget to get the CTB 25% reduction as well. H e sounds like a complete waste of space and I wouldn't want him looking after my kids,father or not-what a role model!

celyn90

MortgageMamma wrote: »

Thanks. I feel a bit better now I've heard it from others. Hard to keep on an even keel when your emotions are all over the place. I gave him £100 this afternoon - £75 for his dad, and £25 to buy some food. I know he eartn £40 yesterday and has a full tank of petrol (we each have a car)

I'm glad your feeling a bit better, this must be hard for you. I didn't realise the split was so raw and recent. ((hug))

MortgageMamma wrote: »

He's just called me to ask if he can come around to get his "good shirts" for tonight as he's going out with someone "he might be getting some work off". He said his Mum would be with him as he was not fit to drive. He mentioned he'd been out this afternoon at the pub with this person. So, is it me or is this just plain wrong

I would pack them up so they are ready for him to take adn he doesn't spend ages in the house. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you or give you any grief, you don't deserve it. It does seem wrong to visit a potential client if you've already been out on the lash, but that's his problem.

MortgageMamma wrote: »

We separate Tuesday. He moved out officially last night. Went straight to the pub. Today all day pub - tonight pub - and he's taking money off me and the kids?

I would think it's just his way of coping with the upheavel, let him have time to sort himself out, but I wouldn't feel oblidged to fund it. Don't let him take money off you and the kids - he has his food and housing sorted out by his mum and is earning a little bit, he's not without support.

MortgageMamma wrote: »

I've just lost the plot with him on the phone as he started threatening to take my car off me (which is not on finance and is in my name anyway) if I don't keep paying him the 75 for his Dad. Added to that he's just started bragging that he's secured two big jobs which will keep him in work for the next 3 months full time!

If the loan is on a car (presumably his), then can't you sell the car, pay off the loan and get a cheaper car? He has a car, so has no reason to take your other than spite. I wouldn't let him get hold of the keys though.

MortgageMamma wrote: »

I'm really struggling to make any sense of this. What sort of man takes money off his soon to be unemployed ex wife and children then goes to the bloody pub with it! the SELFISH BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!

I wouldn't try to make sense of it, he's kicking up and acting like a kid because he's not dealing with the change very well. It's easy to try and put a logic to things, but sometimes it's just not worth trying You have children to think about, he's old enough to look after himself.

I think if you are making the loan repayments, you should do it formally rather than just give him cash - as he could say you just left him in the lurch with it (although TBH, if he is holding the assset on which the loan is secured, then I don't see you getting flak for it!). If you intend to divorce later down the line, it's important to have records of who is paying what. When your ready, legal advice would be a good plan.

If it's any consolation, my OH's ex wife acts considerably younger than her years at times - his response is a rather pragmatic "every time she does that, it reminds me why I left"

MortgageMamma

Thats one of the reasons he's gone suzi - my kids started to think it was normal to lie about on the couch watching sky sports drinking cans every day. He;s never really done a lot with them - there have been times when he's spent our last £10 on a bet or in the pub or to get to a football match, it all dawned on me how bad things had got when on the may bank holiday he went to wembley to watch burnley vs whoever when his mother had taken the children away for the weekend so we could "try and work things out". I begged him to book something for that weekend but he just refused because of the football. I cried at home on my own all weekend and knew then things had to change.

Hopefully in the future I will meet someone kind, thoughtful, intelligent and dependable who will always been there for me and the kids. But I'm not hopeful as I reckon all the good men will be snatched up when I'm ready to see someone again, and I have about 4stone in weight to lose before then. I know I shouldnt be thinking about future relationships just yet but I'm just trying to keep looking forward rather than getting twisted and angry thinking about the past.

DrFluffy

I'd offer him £40 a week (over half of the £75 a week you owe between you) and tell him he should be grateful for the time with his kids. What a schmuck!