Lost my mum, Dad has found someone else

daveboy

I've wanted to tell the whole of my family to f**k off many times in the past. But I also wouldn't have done it face to face. I've gone silent on everyone for months over Christmas once. But then you realise when you sit down and think....that you love them because they are YOUR FAMILY.

I nearly died last year. Made me realise life is too short to have disputes. My Dad pretty much blanked me for years but I've still found the will to forgive him and get on with life. One day he won't be here (I understand the fact you have lost your mother and I am sorry for that). You don't want to regret not doing something when you had a chance to.

Another example for me, is that my Grandad recently had a moderate stroke. He hasn't been right for a while now, but I made it a point to visit my grandparents as often as possible, so they both knew I loved them dearly. They are in their 70s and I know one day I'll be told news I don't want to hear.

Life is far too short for disputes. Deep down you love each other - sometimes one person saying 'I love you' is all it needs to sort a problem out.

poet123

I really feel for you, my parents had been married 50 years when my dad died, and I cant imagine how I would have felt in similar circumstances. They adored each other, and my mum never got over it, she never looked for anyone else, but she was very very lonely. No matter how we tried we never really filled the gap. It was also a big resoinsiblity for us to have to try to always include her in our plans, and to make sure she was coping. So, leaving aside the womans family(which do sound a worry tbh) it may be that you come to welcome someone else sharing the task of making him happy. Juggling a family and worrying about an aged parent is not easy, and it does take its toll.

It was a wonderful gesture to uproot your family, but if they really have not settled, maybe it is time to reconsider your future. Don't do this in the spirit of getting away from your dad though, rather do it in the spirit of he is now able to move forward, and no longer needs your day to day input. Let him know you are there for him, but that you feel he can manage without you being a physical presence daily.

Moving away will give you distance to think about the past, whilst allowing the future to pan out as it will.

It is a difficult situation, and whilst others who may not have the same background may give "pull yourself together" and "let him live his own life" advice, I know how having loving parents who were married for so long can colour your expectations of family life.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself, you are still grieving too.

Essex_Maid

I think there is a lot of good advice and emphathy here, so the only thing i can add is stop and think. You are grieving too, and knee jerk decisions are often not rational but emotional.

Find out about over 50's clubs in your area for your Dad. Tell him you understand he wants to find a companion, and only want the best for him. Perhaps some voluntary work could fill in some time and give him an added interest as he woud be helping others. If money is not an problem, would he enjoy a reflexology treatment or something similar to help sooth him, Age Concern may have a centre locally - they often have trips and holidays etc.

Regarding moving away, consider all the options. Can you do anything to help your children adjust in their new schools - or find out if there are better schooling options. All the financial cost of another move. What would happen if your Dad became ill and needed your help. It takes time to settle in to a new area, don't make a hasty decision on this - you may regret it. Despite your Father's current actions, I think he would feel abandoned again. I wonder how your husband feels about the move to support your parents.

You made a grand, loving gesture by moving yourself and your family to be near your parents. Think how you would feel if you had not moved, and you would be pulling your hair out still worrying about your Dad.

Sending you love ........

windswept

I think so many widowed men seem to jump in head first very soon after losing their wives, I've seen it a few times and almost every time it's split families apart, with the dad usually disconnecting from his family to appease his new partner.
It certainly happened that way with my father, he pretty much abandoned me to the care of my sister at the age of ten, his new wife didn't want the hassle of children again and he just went along with it.
I wonder if they just can't bear to be alone?
My father in law met someone within months of losing my m-i-l , luckliy he came to his senses fairly quickly as to what her agenda really was, she very quickly wanted to move things along and move in with him and he put a stop to it there and then.
He's now been on his own for 10 years and thinks he had a lucky escape, people need to find themselves after a very long and happy marriage ends, whether it's by death or divorce , you need time to grieve and appealing as a new love is, I think it's a way of hiding from your pain and not dealing with your loss.
I wish you luck.

rosered1963

Hi Millie - - some great thoughts from people here. Sorry to hear about this situation. Can I just add that losing a long term partner that you love is such a devastating experience that no-one who hasn't experienced it can really know what it's like - you are sort of a bit mad for a year or two. I would say to keep in touch with your dad and stay involved so you can help him meet someone suitable in the area in a safe way, as other posters have said. I think that cutting yourself off from him would be devastating for you as well as him. Next, it must be so terribly stressful for you - you have your own family to think of and you must take good care of yourself and not get too chewed up about it. Be there for your poor father, who is making misjudgements out of loss and grief. I really feel for you and feel the best outcome is for him to meet a companion who you can be involved with as well. best of luck X

lilmisschick

I echo what the others have said on here....

I just want to say that I found it quite emotional reading your post. I lost my mum too and have been through similar episodes with my dad as you. Thankfully, it is okay again now but it's so difficult to see things clearly when you're right there on the front line whilst you're grieving so much too. I think that fact that its been a fairly unanimous in the responses that you have is the fact that none of the others are 'emotionally involved' and can see it differently to yourself.

As someone else mentioned, have you met new lady? Maybe its a good idea to do that, you never know, your preconseptions may be miles away from the truth!!

Good luck xxx

KellyWelly

Your poor dad - he loved somebody for his whole adult life and then watched her suffer cancer and die. Then he finds somebody who he enjoys spending time with and who can make him happy and he has to worry about what you think and whether you're happy and !!!!! foot around you.

I've been through something similar with my own dad, a woman who was completely unsuitable and frankly mentally unstable, but it was up to him. He soon realised and sorted it out for himself.

Penny-Pincher!!

I do feel sorry for you and understand where your coming from, but at the end of the day, your Dad is a grown man and can make his own decisions.

There is nothing you can do but be there if he needs you.

PP
xx

gizmo111

My dad went on a mad spending spree after losing my mum, to the tune of £75K it was his way of coping alone, he couldn't stand the loneliness and living by himself despite all out efforts to visit as much as we could etc. His happiest time was 2 years later when he was ill and went into a home and had company. This is just your dad's way of dealing with his loss, and you jsut have to let him do it and if necasary be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

view

I think your dad sounds like he's still grieving. And I imainge you all are - and therefore feelings are heightened.

He probably didn't feel the courage to tell you and your brother face to face. It is a lot easier to get feelings and thoughts down in writing, than to say it face to face.

You (and possibly also your brother) might feel a little like feel like you're not being kept in your dad's life and he's keeping things from you - I also imagine it hurts a wee bit, might have crossed your mind 'has he forgotten about mum already?!"

I think you should all get together, have a hug and a real heart to heart chat. I'm sure he did not want to have to tell you this way, it's proably the only way he felt he could do so.

Ok so it may have happened a bit quickly, but if he's happy, I'm sure that's all you and your brother want at the end of the day.

I wish you all the best and the best advice I could give it communicate, communicate, communicate.

GJ x