Lost my mum, Dad has found someone else

milliemonster

I am in a right pickle with myself. Last year, I lost my mum to breast cancer after a 5 year fight, she and my dad had been together 50 years and he was (and still is) heartbroken, 6 weeks before she died, we moved house (me hubby and 2 kids) to be near them to help them out and I was devastated I only got this short time with her.

Since then I have tried my hardest to support my dad as well as dealing with my own grief and I know that if I hadn't have lived near him he would have taken his own life.

In April this year he started acting a bit different, normally I would see him every day but he wasn't coming round as much, was being a bit defensive about where he had been etc and I had an inkling he had met someone. Although it was hard for me, I understood how lonely he was and that he needed companionship and I had no issues with him making new friends, in fact I wanted this for him so he could slowly build a new life for himself with new interests.

Then one morning I had a text from him, saying he had sent me an email and to read it, I opened my emails but there was nothing there, I had to go away with work but spoke to my brother (as he had told him the same thing) and he had got the email which confirmed what we had been thinking, that he had met someone.

That night in a hotel room alone, I spoke to my hubby about it, my dad had sent the email to him by mistake and he read it to me. I was shocked and stunned and felt very let down that he had chosen to tell me something so important by email and not face to face. Basically in the email he told me he had met a lady whom he thought a lot of, they had been seeing each other for a few weeks and he couldn't hold it from us any longer and hoped we would be happy for him.

I didn't have a problem with him seeing someone as such but I was extremely upset he had so little respect for us to tell us by email so he didn't have to face our reactions or help us through it by answering questions etc.

I was away with work a couple of days and was still trying to get my head around it, when I came home, I found another email from him basically disowning me, he told me that he had sent texts and emails to me but had no response (I didn't receive any of these) and that he had met someone who made him happy and wanted nothing more to do with me, I was completely and utterly destroyed, I had just got home from a work trip and hadn't had time to get my head around everything and couldn't believe he could do this to me for a woman he had known only a few weeks. My hubby went to get him and he came over and we had a very heated conversation, midway his 'lady friend' phoned him, he cut me off to take the call and was talking to her like he used to talk to my mum and this really hurt me.

I told him that I didn't have a problem with him seeing someone knew, I just wanted him to be happy, but he didn't give me time to get used to the idea and I was angry he had chosen to tell me by email, he couldn't see the problem and walked out telling me to get on with my own life and leave him to it.

The next day I called him to come over which he did, he told me he had finished it, I asked if it was because of me but he said no, he said it had been coming for a while because of her immediate family, her ex husband is still around and frequently stays with her, he daughter puts on her all the time and her son frequently turns up to her house in the middle of the night and threatens her with a knife etc!, dad said he has tried to help her but all she does is moan about her family but let them walk over her and he can't take on all this hassle at his age (he is almost 70) Once he explained all that had been going on I was quite pleased he had finished with her as they sounded a terrible family and to be honest we have always lived just a normal family life and this is so far removed from what I have been used to all my life.

She spent the next few weeks constantly emailing, texting and calling my dad to say sorry but he wouldn't have any of it, changed his phone number etc and wouldn't speak to her. She had said to him that she wouldn't take second place to my mum and he said this was the nail in the coffin. This made me so angry as I couldn't understand how any woman could expect a man whom she has known a few weeks to put her first over the woman he had spent his entire life with and who had only been dead a few months.

Since then, things got back to normal, I understood he would still be looking for someone new as that is what he wants and I accept that he doesn't want to be alone and we can't give him what he wants. I know he is secretly scouring the internet looking for someone and started speaking to someone from London (we live in the North), he arranged to go and stay with them for a few days a couple of weeks ago but this didn't work out either.

Last weekend was my mum and dad's wedding anninversary and understandably he had a bad day, last night he broke the news to me he was seeing the first woman again after contacting her last weekend and they met up talked and talked and he says he really likes her. I was stunned and couldn't really say anything.

I am now absolutely worried sick, firstly I am angry at him because I feel he is desperatly trying to replace my mum and because things didn't work out with this woman in London he has immediately gone back to this other woman who he treated like dirt quite frankly when he finished it, because there is no other option on the horizon at present. I am worried about this womans family who are drunks and violent and worried that he is going to be physically hurt by them at some point. It also hurts me that he could go back to someone who said they would never be second best to my mum.

I just want my dad to be happy and I know as his children we can't give him what he needs, I am so scared of losing him, I just wish he could meet someone locally to him and be friends, enjoy trips out together without all the added hassle. My dad owns his own home and I know this woman has nothing, I know he wants to live with someone (he wants looking after) and I am scared he is going to move her in at some point and I can't handle all this so soon after my mums death.

I now feel I just want to get away from him, I don't know this man who is my father anymore, my kids are unhappy at their current school and I am thinking of just moving back to where we used to live and renting somewhere so we can get away from all this and they can go back to their old school where they were happy

I know I have to let him live his life and make his own mistakes but I just feel he is a desperate lonely man who is so desperately searching for love he is willing to take on anyone who shows him the slightest bit of attention because he can't handle being on his own

what dod I do? sorry for the long post

pelirocco

I know I have to let him live his life and make his own mistakes but I just feel he is a desperate lonely man who is so desperately searching for love he is willing to take on anyone who shows him the slightest bit of attention because he can't handle being on his own

Hard as it is you have to let him make mistakes , and just be there for him .

Its never ending tbh if its not your own kids its your parents !!

aliasojo

pelirocco wrote: »

I know I have to let him live his life and make his own mistakes but I just feel he is a desperate lonely man who is so desperately searching for love he is willing to take on anyone who shows him the slightest bit of attention because he can't handle being on his own

Hard as it is you have to let him make mistakes , and just be there for him .

Its never ending tbh if its not your own kids its your parents !!

Completely agree.

Three things that occur to me straight away is that first of all, your Dad will propbably be following a different timeline largely because of his age. At 20 you know you have plenty of time so you can take your time over decisions. At 70, he will know he doen't have many years left and will want to get on with things and not hang around. I know and have heard of quite a few older people who do seem to make pretty quick decisions like this. Your Dad isn't the only one. My ex FIL was exactly the same in this situation, for one. All of a sudden he changed from a laid back easy going type to someone who seemed to want to live life at 90 miles an hour. He booked holidays for him and a female he'd met 3 weeks previously, he practically moved in with her etc etc. The family thought he was blinded by this woman but they eventually had to accept it really was his life and if he wanted to live it in a way they didn't think was good for him, then so be it. The old man is still going strong and is as happy as larry btw.

Secondly, I dont think you should make too much of an issue of the fact he emailed rather than spoke to you face to face. It was probably just easier for him to do so (although obviously the error in sending didn't help matters).

And lastly...his relationship with this woman is NO reflection on his relationship with your Mum. I really think you need to not even think about their years together when you think about his new relationship .....sorry, that's sounds a bit harsh and I dont mean it to be, I'm just trying to get over the fact that when life moves on, you can't do so with an eye on the past. If you do so, all you do is invoke emotions that wont be helpful to you now. I wonder if he was a little defensive to start with as he expected you to be angry? Maybe that's why he automatically thought you had ignored his email/texts rather than just thinking maybe you hadn't got them etc?

It's not an easy situation for you but you really do need to step back and let him get on with it.

Good luck.

January20

You let him get on with it. As you said he is a grown and you may be his daughter but you have no right to tell him what to do with his life. How would you feel if he meddle in your personal life?

Oldernotwiser

It can happen to anybody - look at Paul McCartney!

Zazen999

What AlisaoJo said - in a nutshell.

Nobody knows how they are going to be after their loved one has died, but at 70 he needs to do whatever he wants, in his own way, and his own pace.

If you want to move away, do it for your own reasons, not his.

Emmzi

this might be a bit radical, but as he seems to be looking for women in the wrong places, could you point him towards an introduction service or a supper club where he might meet more suitable ladies? As far as I recall the gents are usually outnumbered. he may need to adjust to being a 'catch' and not quite so desperate as if there were almost no women in the world.

Poppy9

As with other posters, it's his life. Be glad for him that he is taking control of his own life and happiness and not depending on his children. You see similar posts on these boards of children complaining that their surviving parent/in-law has got into the habit of having to come over every week, at the same time etc. and has not made a life for themself.

Have you met this other woman? Why not invite her over to welcome her and to meet the family.

I can understand your father emailing you TBH as he obviously knows you well and knew you would be upset by his new relationship.

Re you moving away again. If it is right for your family then do it, don't do it because you are angry at your father, it's not fair on your family to keep uprooting them. What would you do if your father got ill, uproot again?

Your father is still grieving but he has to work through it on his own. Grief is very personal and if this woman helps him through then so be it.

Paparika

He obviously found it very hard to tell you to your face, but he made an attempt and emailed, that was his way of letting you know. Give him a go, he couldn't feel comfortable telling you in any way, and by your post you can see why he feels communication with you is difficult.

Stand back and see what he has done, he told you the best way he could, some difficult news. Give him some hugs, this man still needs love and attention from a woman as well as his loving family, don't kick off because it wasn't told to you the way YOU would of liked it, that's just selfish, this isn't about you, your dad needs your acceptance and love.

zzzLazyDaisy

He is lonely and he misses your mum. He knows he can't replace her and isn't trying to, but he now has a huge hole in his life, and feels after all these years of being with your mum facing a life alone is too empty a prospect. It is a tribute to your mum and to their happiness together that he feels this way.

You love him, but be honest, it isn't the same as having a special someone to share your life with, is it?

You don't approve of his choice, but he has to make his own choices and his own mistakes - just like you have done.

He is 70 year old, he doesn;t have the luxury of time, he has to go out there and make things happen, and take his chances.

He needs you to try to understand, and to support him, and be there for him if things go wrong, without criticising or judging him. It is hard for you, I know, but your mum is gone and your dad is alive and with you.

mountainofdebt

Arghhhhhhhh wrote a long reply and it vanished!

I agree your Dad probably told you in an email becuase he wanted you to know and digest the news so that when you did talk about it, it would be in a rational rather than emotional way.

Yes it is a realtively short time but when we were in a similar situation, a friend of mine said it was probably the way men are programmed....very few men, in the same situation as your dad, seem to cope on their own whereas women seem to - if that make sense.

How old is this woman? Is she years younger or of a simialr age?

The other thing that strikes me is that could your dad not be using this woman for nothing more than friendship and has no intention of developing the realtionship - what did she mean when she said she wasn't prepared to take second place to your mum? (I could understand that comment if your mum and dad had separated but that's not the case here?)