hard work being a mum

The_Banker_5

Hi ameliarate, you sound like a lovely caring mum. Unfortunately though, however caring you are, you still cannot interfere in a relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend because they are both adults.

I doubt whether the boyfriend would have took too kindly to waiting a week or so to tell her. After all its his own life and he can do what he wants. I know its unfortunate and I understand your anger but theres little you can do as I take it they dont have children and arent married.

See, at the moment you might not have the full story. The relationship might have been rocky for a while and you might never know the full story. You probably wont hear the boyfriends side and even if you did you will probably only believe your daughters side, which is natural after all because she is your daughter.

If he has got someone else I am afraid it has nothing to do with you, your daughter or anyone else.

Sorry for sounding harsh, its not meant to be.

ameliarate

The_Banker wrote: »

Hi ameliarate, you sound like a lovely caring mum. Unfortunately though, however caring you are, you still cannot interfere in a relationship between your daughter and her boyfriend because they are both adults.

I doubt whether the boyfriend would have took too kindly to waiting a week or so to tell her. After all its his own life and he can do what he wants. I know its unfortunate and I understand your anger but theres little you can do as I take it they dont have children and arent married.

See, at the moment you might not have the full story. The relationship might have been rocky for a while and you might never know the full story. You probably wont hear the boyfriends side and even if you did you will probably only believe your daughters side, which is natural after all because she is your daughter.

If he has got someone else I am afraid it has nothing to do with you, your daughter or anyone else.

Sorry for sounding harsh, its not meant to be.

I know all that and you are right, also I am being very careful not to say anything bad about him (not that I could generally he is a lovely young man) because who knows they may get back together. Plus I have been "dumped" in my time and know that you survive and get on with life.

She will be ok and better now than if they had got married and had kids.

NoAngel

Sorry to hear about your daughter, sounds like a rubbish situation for her. If it really does affect her exams, I'm sure the Uni will be understanding if she needs to resit. Would try not to say too many negative things about him (which you haven't I don't think!), as there's always the chance they'll get back together.

Once her exams are done she'll have a few months to herself to relax and have some fun. Hope it all works out for her.

ameliarate

Alcmene wrote: »

She could consider applying for Extenuating Circumstances and taking her exams as a first sit in August.[/QUOTEl

can you tell me how this works? I have told her to tell her tutor and see the GP, which she has done but nobody has offered her any advice about this. She may not need it -I hope. She says if she re-sits she can only achieve a smaller percentage (40 I think), which she doesn't want to do.

I thought she could get them to somehow take account of the fact that all her previous marks have been exceelent and just kind of add some on somehow.

She was in a terrible state today and it's breaking my heart to hear her and if I can do any little thing to help it would be good, even a bit of information like this.

Hermia

At my university you could only apply for extenuating circumstances in exceptional circumstances (i.e if you were REALLY ill or a parent had died just before the exam). I am not sure breaking up with a partner would have been enough, especially as people were constantly going through relationship problems (including divorce) at my university! I would only advise her to try for that if she is so incapacitated by stress/grief that she has no hope of passing an exam. I am sure that in a few months she'd rather look back and know she tried her best along with all her friends.

I do think there is never a right time to tell someone it is over. It took my friend a year to tell her drippy ex it was over. First he was ill in hospital so she couldn't do it then. Then he lost his job and she didn't want to kick him when he was down. Then he had family problems. Then he had exams. It just went on and on.

Hermia

Have you looked on the uni's website? Some have a section on it. E.g. http://www.lsbu.ac.uk/current.student/extenuating.html (it looks like it has to go before a panel at this university which sounds almost as stressful as break-up to me!).

VeganClaire

If she tells her tutor/head of year or course that she would like to have extenuating circumstances she will have to fill out a form explaining some brief details (this is confidential). I would imagine she would get this without too many problems especially as it was such a long relationship.

They will either be understanding and bump up her mark if she is near a grade boundary or give her the opotunity to sit the exams as a first take (meaning that she can get up to 100% rather than the 40% cap that is on resits) in August with people who are resiting. It is proberly best for her to discuss this in detail with her personal tutor for example different courses put a different weight on the second year exams (mine only counted for 20% of my overall degree where for some friends it was 50%) this may influence her decision.

If she does not get on well with her personal tutor speaking to another trusted member of staff/ head of department or course is often ok. (If there are a lot of people on her course it is prob prefered that she goes to her personal tutor, but if her course is small they depend to be more relaxed.) She should be able to find details about her uni procedures on line.

Hope this helps.

VeganClaire

Hermia;22340007]Have you looked on the uni's website? Some have a section on it. E.g. http://www.lsbu.ac.uk/current.student/extenuating.html (it looks like it has to go before a panel at this university which sounds almost as stressful as break-up to me!).

Different uni's have different rules about this. I have known of friends recieving extenuating circumstances after a break up (long-term relationships too). In their cases their personal tutor represented them to other members of staff who were the panel they did not have to go themselves. Universities are more strict about final exams or if the person has asked for this a lot during their course.

ameliarate

VeganClaire wrote: »

If she tells her tutor/head of year or course that she would like to have extenuating circumstances she will have to fill out a form explaining some brief details (this is confidential). I would imagine she would get this without too many problems especially as it was such a long relationship.

They will either be understanding and bump up her mark if she is near a grade boundary or give her the opotunity to sit the exams as a first take (meaning that she can get up to 100% rather than the 40% cap that is on resits) in August with people who are resiting. It is proberly best for her to discuss this in detail with her personal tutor for example different courses put a different weight on the second year exams (mine only counted for 20% of my overall degree where for some friends it was 50%) this may influence her decision.

If she does not get on well with her personal tutor speaking to another trusted member of staff/ head of department or course is often ok. (If there are a lot of people on her course it is prob prefered that she goes to her personal tutor, but if her course is small they depend to be more relaxed.) She should be able to find details about her uni procedures on line.

Hope this helps.

Thank you, when she did her exams in January she was about 10 points into a first I think so I expect she will be fine anyway (a 2:1 is pretty good after all:D) I just want to be able to tell her something that might set her mind at rest..

She suffers from severe stress at exams anyway so actually I think, in a strange way, this might make it better as she will not be so focussed on them - if that makes any sense - she sets herself incredibly high targets and whilst she is very bright is not one of those to whom it comes really easily.

fernliebee

Poor her! and poor you too, having to leave her, even though you know she will be OK, I second the 'lot's of phonecalls' opinion!!

As for extenuating circumstances I think the fact that she has a great 'track history' and is a long term relationship etc gives her a good chance. I had to go in front of a panel too, but it sounds much more scary than it was, I had to go with my personal tutor and then sit in a small room with 2 other tutors just on chairs, no big scary desk or anything, sounds as though she will be fine anyway, and may give her more confidence if she can pull off a good result in her darkest hour so to speak. Good luck to her and hope it all turns out for the best for her.