desperately need help advice, custody, working??

littlelost

This is the first time I have posted on this site Im so desperate for some help/advice and someone to talk to about my situation.

I have a 5 year old son, a 4 year old daughter and a 13 week baby boy, I have been with my husband for the last 8 years and have been married for 3 years.

At the moment My husband works full time and im on maternity leave, I am due to return to work at the beginning of september and the plan was/is for him to give up work and be a stay at home dad, We have a lot of debts etc and due to my job being a secure goverment job and a higher salary than his it seems the most sensible thing to do.

However we have not been getting on recently, I dont really know why I just dont like him as a person anymore if that makes sense, I have started to despise everything he does and i dont know why.

I feel really trapped as he has always made it clear that if we ever were to split up then he would fight for our home and full custody of the children.

It has really got me thinking, If him giving up work is going to be the right thing? It is whilst we are together but If we split up I could end up losing my kids as he will be a full time dad whilst I work full time, I know it would be the other way round if I was to give up work,

I have broached the subject of us both going part time so we have equal time with the children but he is all or nothing!!!

I dont know what to do, I have no family near me apart from his who will help him fight tooth and nail for the children, I really dont think I want to be with him anymore but can risk losing my kids and house, I have previously asked him to move out but he wont the most I can get is him to sleep on the sofa.

I dont know where i stand!! can i work and have full custody, The only one thing I have against him is about a year ago he hit me It was only the once but everything has gone downhill really since then, Whilst pregnant I was so excited about having another baby that I really didnt look at our future.

Sorry for the long post.

Older_but_not_wiser_2

Not got any advice about custody, but with a 13 week old is it possible you have post natal depression which is making things look worse than they are?

Notsosharp

littlelost wrote: »

T
I have a 5 year old son, a 4 year old daughter and a 13 week baby boy,

Hiya, sorry you to hear you are having such a hard time, to be blunt when it comes to deciding custody the courts are under a statutory duty to put the welfare of the child first regardless of the parents feelings/wishes....sometimes this can work for or against parents. So your hubby saying he will fight for custody etc....well it won't be up to him at the end of the day.

The fact the children are quite young may work in your favour the courts tend to take the view they are better off with their mother at that age but again this isn't concrete.

How long have you been off work and looking after them, the courts are very reluctant to upset the status quo and if the children are happy and settled then they will be unwilling to upset this without very very good reason and this will be more so the longer the situation goes on (say your husband leaves you and the children).....to be honest the fact a parent works full time can work against them but again it all depends on the surrounding circumstances and won't rest solely on this factor.....it all comes down to the parent's ability to look after the children and their ability to meet their needs.

As for the house....

Did you contribute anything to the purchase price or is your name on the deeds....

You will also be protected by the Matrimonial Causes Act .....again when looking at splitting property the courts will look to do it fairly but it depends on several things, I forget which sorry! They CAN make him sign the house over to you but I don't know how this works and if you get residence of the children it may well be you can stay in the house until they reach 18 or leave education and then it must be sold....again I'm a bit foggy on these things....

I think the best thing you can do is go and see the CAB or a solicitor if you are serious about divorcing him.....it does sound as though he is using the children against you....

The fact he was going to stay behind as a house hubby probably won't count for much seeing as its not actually happened yet...

Hope this helps....

whitewing

Home is where you should feel safe from the world. There is never an excuse for hitting your partner.

I think Women's Aid did a document about your rights with regard to finances etc. I believe MSE Martin posted it on the forum at some point - that may help.

Susan_Frost

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time of it at the moment, and it is especially hard when OH uses threats regarding the children.

How far away do your family live? Would an eventual move nearer for support with kids, etc. be feasible with your job if it becomes necessary?

Dont give up your job - you will need the money, a decent income for possibly taking over the mortgage/buying a property if that is the way it eventually goes. I would not go PT if you can help it. If you do split, you may then be able to reduce your hours and get some benefits to help make it up.

Have a good think about how it would be on your own, how you would manage in all the different ways. Not to be scared off, but the more you think things through the more confident you will feel making the right decision.

If you did not report the previous hitting, I am not sure that you can now. But it is very important to at least confide in a friend that this happened. If there is any more violence, however minor you may feel it is, then report it immediately to the police.

Think carefully of what support systems you do have. Have you got friends close by. You are off work at the moment so have some time to spend getting information together, CAB, Women Aid, 1/2 hr free solicitor, etc. Look in Yellow Pages under Counselling and Advice and see what agencies are around which may give help/information. Talk to everyone.

No-one can quite second guess the outcome of a court case, but the more you know you can do, the better prepared you are for things.

HOWEVER - you may be feeling particularly low with new baby, two others, etc. etc. How is OH coping. Did he want the third child, is he stressed at having a lower wage than would support his family. Maybe he has some anxiety issues, which may work through and maybe you will both get back on track.

Hope whatever you decide, it works out for you.

DONT PANIC DONT MAKE SNAP DECISIONS

choccybuttons

Firstly I would have a good think and try to work out if you have post natal depression. If this sudden loathing has come on after birth you could be affected. Secondly I would go to Relate, perhaps by yourself to start with to work out how you truely feel. They really helped me decided whether I wanted to be with DH and then we went for couples counselling.

Im presuming your going to take 9 months maternity leave so you dont have to decide anything straight away. If your going to leave then your going to need your job.

There is no excuse for hitting and you need to decide if you can work thorugh it or if its a make or break. Its all very well people telling you to leave but only you can make that decision.

gizmo111

I think I'd go back ot work as planned and see how things pan out. The baby is very young and this can make things seem bleaker than they actually are. If your husband is already sleeping on the settee then he is aware of how you feel - you need to talk.
Never assume anything in a residence battle - but if you are going to split then you arebest off talking things through and coming up with a plan together for the children rather than using a solicitor and paying a fortune and maybe still not getting what is best.
www.ondivorce.co.uk is a good place to look for info on finance and residence etc.

Zara33

Maybe try relate before you head down the divorce option.

loftus

I wish the OP all the best and think the advice given about PND and counselling is spot on, particularly as these feelings seem to have come on recently. I also agree there is never any excuse for violence in a relationship.

As a general point though, I do find the comment in one of the replies "it sounds like he is planning to use the kids against you" incredible. Why is the fact that the childrens father may want custody him using the kids, particularly when the parents had already agreed he would be the one to stay at home with them. Are mothers who seek custody also "using the children against" their partners?

littlelost

Thank you for all your help and advice, To be honest things have been on and off for over a year now, He did hit me once and i reported it to the police and went to the doctors as I didnt want him to think he could just get away with it but also at the time I didnt want to disrupte the kids lives by splitting up over it as I beleived he knew he was in the wrong. It has never happened again.

I can honestly also say that I do not think I have postnatal depression, I do not feel down about anything else and think for once im thinking things through ratiionally!! Usually I just jump in at the deep end.

We argue every day, I know its not just him but me as well and to be honest neither of us are happy, There maybe a few hours a week that we get on well.

It has got to the point were we arguee infront of the children over petty things, I disagree with how he disciplines the children which leads to more resentment, He smacks them (not hard) when they do something he sees as wrong ie touching his tv or damaging material items. But ignores when they hurt each other as all brothers and sister tend to do on occasions, or have a tantrum. I on the other hand send them to their rooms for time out, which I think is a lot more effective. The kids have now sensed that we disagree over this as when he does smack them they come running to me crying because they know I disagree with it.

We arguee over the most silliest things like what we watch on tv, who has done the most cleaning, cooking etc The list is endless.

We had his brother over on saturday and I think it was the way he spoke to me infront of his brother that also did it.

The other thing is he doesnt seem to want a peacefull easy life but would rather arguee with everyone and drag things out and out, He has got an ongoing dispute with our neighbours because he took down part of the fence well over a year and instead of putting it back up he wants to make an example to them that it is his fence so he can do what he wants whereas I would have put it back for an easy life.

Sorry for the long rant.

When we purchased the house we purchased in joint names 50/50, at the moment he is still working and we have seperate accounts, he pays the mortgage and council tax and I pay the other bills.

If we split I could afford to run this house on my own due to our low mortgage but i know he wouldnt leave without a fight and has made that clear.

So I feel stuck I dont want to disrupte the kids and ideally if he just moves out and prehaps back to his mums (she lives 5 mins away and has said in the past it would be ok) then we could look at what we both really want.

My concern is If I try and work on our marriage and go back to work as planned and him give up work then If I feel like this in say a years time then I would have handed him full custody of our kids on a plate which I know is what he wants, We had a row and the weekend cant remeber what about and he said 'well I would get the kids anyway as i will be the full time carer and you will have to pay me support and I can keep the house until they are 18'

I just couldnt face being a part time mum and want to protect myself and the kids as much as I can from this happening.

I would prefer us to both have joint custody and the kids to have 2 homes, spend half their time at each so we both are involved totally in their lives,, taking them to school, doing their homework, washing etc etc, But he has always made it clear he wants all or nothing.

I feel so trapped.

littlelost

Also we have had couples councelling in the past and it didnt really help, He can never seem to see that he is in the wrong for anything, I admit im not perfect but wish he would also.