desperately need help advice, custody, working??

galvanizersbaby

littlelost wrote: »

Thank you for all your help and advice, To be honest things have been on and off for over a year now, He did hit me once and i reported it to the police and went to the doctors as I didnt want him to think he could just get away with it but also at the time I didnt want to disrupte the kids lives by splitting up over it as I beleived he knew he was in the wrong. It has never happened again.

I can honestly also say that I do not think I have postnatal depression, I do not feel down about anything else and think for once im thinking things through ratiionally!! Usually I just jump in at the deep end.

We argue every day, I know its not just him but me as well and to be honest neither of us are happy, There maybe a few hours a week that we get on well.

It has got to the point were we arguee infront of the children over petty things, I disagree with how he disciplines the children which leads to more resentment, He smacks them (not hard) when they do something he sees as wrong ie touching his tv or damaging material items. But ignores when they hurt each other as all brothers and sister tend to do on occasions, or have a tantrum. I on the other hand send them to their rooms for time out, which I think is a lot more effective. The kids have now sensed that we disagree over this as when he does smack them they come running to me crying because they know I disagree with it.

We arguee over the most silliest things like what we watch on tv, who has done the most cleaning, cooking etc The list is endless.

We had his brother over on saturday and I think it was the way he spoke to me infront of his brother that also did it.

The other thing is he doesnt seem to want a peacefull easy life but would rather arguee with everyone and drag things out and out, He has got an ongoing dispute with our neighbours because he took down part of the fence well over a year and instead of putting it back up he wants to make an example to them that it is his fence so he can do what he wants whereas I would have put it back for an easy life.

Sorry for the long rant.

When we purchased the house we purchased in joint names 50/50, at the moment he is still working and we have seperate accounts, he pays the mortgage and council tax and I pay the other bills.

If we split I could afford to run this house on my own due to our low mortgage but i know he wouldnt leave without a fight and has made that clear.

So I feel stuck I dont want to disrupte the kids and ideally if he just moves out and prehaps back to his mums (she lives 5 mins away and has said in the past it would be ok) then we could look at what we both really want.

My concern is If I try and work on our marriage and go back to work as planned and him give up work then If I feel like this in say a years time then I would have handed him full custody of our kids on a plate which I know is what he wants, We had a row and the weekend cant remeber what about and he said 'well I would get the kids anyway as i will be the full time carer and you will have to pay me support and I can keep the house until they are 18'

I just couldnt face being a part time mum and want to protect myself and the kids as much as I can from this happening.

I would prefer us to both have joint custody and the kids to have 2 homes, spend half their time at each so we both are involved totally in their lives,, taking them to school, doing their homework, washing etc etc, But he has always made it clear he wants all or nothing.

I feel so trapped.

Hi

Just a couple of points - I've had PND twice and on neither occasion did I think I had it or recognise the symptoms - however it does sound like there is a bit more to it than that.

I have the shared care situation you describe in the last part of your post and it works best for my children and their dad.

I do not think your husband is correct in automatically assuming that he will be awarded custardy of your children because he has given up his job to be their full time carer - whether you go back to work full time or part time - in my experience a court is rarely keen to remove young children from their mother so you have this in your favour.
To be honest have you considered seeking legal advice from a solicitor before making any decisions?

joflo_2

Maybe you need to take the children out of the equation for a second. If you did not have them would you be together? Would you want to be with him in 5 years? Write a list of things you like about him? This may help focus your thoughts.

It seems like he is trying to control you, knowing that the children are your weak spot. Perhaps giving up work for him is a problem in that people often need to work to feel self worth? Could you look at child care instead?, perhaps even part time for one of you.

Are you trying to control each other? Wanting to hurt each other. You may still be feeling angry at him for betraying you and hitting you and wanting to hurt you. Perhaps the issue that lead to the incident is unresolved? Even he might be wanting to get back at you for reporting it?

It also appears you have different ideas about how to bring up the children and this is also causing conflict. For the children's healthy upbringing you need to be "on the same page", or home life will become a battle ground of children playing each of you off the other.

Domestic violence is damaging mentally and you may have lost respect for him and this will wear away your feelings towards him, making petty things bigger and more annoying. Mediation over who looks after the children may not look favourably on him keeping the children if he has a record of violence, especially if he hits the children which is a nasty habit and one which I would not agree with, a grownup hitting children is a big no no in my book.

Any way, put aside your fears and think about what you want clearly. Get advice from a solicitor and look at what would be best for you and your children in the long term. Don't be held to ransom but threats, fight your fears with facts.


Sorry for the long winded post.

Good Luck

Jo

TeetersOnHeels

"in my experience a court is rarely keen to remove young children from their mother so you have this in your favour."

Not strictly true - I split with my childs partner in 1996, son was aged 2. OH was the main carer, I worked full time for the government, and when DS was born OH staying at home seemed the best option at the time. When we split OH went for residency and won. I was devestated. I spent the next 8yrs paying the CSA, having to apply to the court just to take my son on holiday, being able to see him at xmas and school holidays (OH was obstructive to say the least). I had to fight tooth and nail to maintain contact with my son - ex OH just wanted me to curl up and disappear.
4yrs ago I got a call out of the blue from ex OH saying I could have DS permanantly. Within a week my son, and all his belongings were dropped off at mine, and they emigrated to Oz. He doesn't contact my son, contribute to his upkeep and we have no idea where he is. My son spent the first 2yrs totally confused, although he tells me he used to tell his dad he always wanted to be at mine - I would've been more than happy with some form of shared care with both of us being able to arrange things reasonably between us. Unfortunately my ex OH wanted "all or nothing" and was not interested in how this may have affected everyone involved.
OP, everyone's circumstances are different, as are outcomes when these things happen. If you feel you've explored every avenue and you still think the relationship is over, then perhaps a freebie 1/2hr with a solicitor may give you some further info.
Hope things work out for you.

galvanizersbaby

TeetersOnHeels wrote: »

"in my experience a court is rarely keen to remove young children from their mother so you have this in your favour."

Not strictly true - I split with my childs partner in 1996, son was aged 2. OH was the main carer, I worked full time for the government, and when DS was born OH staying at home seemed the best option at the time. When we split OH went for residency and won. I was devestated. I spent the next 8yrs paying the CSA, having to apply to the court just to take my son on holiday, being able to see him at xmas and school holidays (OH was obstructive to say the least). I had to fight tooth and nail to maintain contact with my son - ex OH just wanted me to curl up and disappear.
4yrs ago I got a call out of the blue from ex OH saying I could have DS permanantly. Within a week my son, and all his belongings were dropped off at mine, and they emigrated to Oz. He doesn't contact my son, contribute to his upkeep and we have no idea where he is. My son spent the first 2yrs totally confused, although he tells me he used to tell his dad he always wanted to be at mine - I would've been more than happy with some form of shared care with both of us being able to arrange things reasonably between us. Unfortunately my ex OH wanted "all or nothing" and was not interested in how this may have affected everyone involved.
OP, everyone's circumstances are different, as are outcomes when these things happen. If you feel you've explored every avenue and you still think the relationship is over, then perhaps a freebie 1/2hr with a solicitor may give you some further info.
Hope things work out for you.

Sorry to hear about that - I was basing my experience on a father I knew that was trying to get custardy of his young son and despite the mother not sending the child to school/being on drugs/running off and leaving the child with the father for months on end the judge refused to remove the boy from the mother - it was horrendous
In the end he won custardy after he recorded a conversation where she had contacted him to say he could have the boy if he paid her a couple of grand more than he was paying his solictor at the time :eek:
Boy is now very happily settled with dad and doing really well at school despite not being able to read at write aged 8 when in his mothers care.

I'm glad you have your son now - sounds as though from your experience the OP should seriously rethink going back to work and leaving her husband as the main carer given her concerns

TeetersOnHeels

It's a difficult situation..if OP goes back to work while still with OH then from my experience that may not go in her favour. When we split it was a complete shock when ex OH got residency. Sometimes I used to try and see it from non resident dads positions who worked fulltime while their wives were stay at home mums. The kids stayed with mum, cos that's who took on the main carer role...
With hindsight I would've left ex OH while still on Mat Leave. Not that that is advice to OP.
There are so many things to consider; housing, childcare, finances.....perhaps putting some figures into the "entitledto" website may give you an idea of how you'd cope financially, and what you might be able to claim tax credit wise should you choose to go it alone. Also, as previously mentioned Womens Aid, CAB are also great places for advice.

Georgie4

Notsosharp wrote: »

Hiya, sorry you to hear you are having such a hard time, to be blunt when it comes to deciding custody the courts are under a statutory duty to put the welfare of the child first regardless of the parents feelings/wishes....sometimes this can work for or against parents. So your hubby saying he will fight for custody etc....well it won't be up to him at the end of the day.

The fact the children are quite young may work in your favour the courts tend to take the view they are better off with their mother at that age but again this isn't concrete.

How long have you been off work and looking after them, the courts are very reluctant to upset the status quo and if the children are happy and settled then they will be unwilling to upset this without very very good reason and this will be more so the longer the situation goes on (say your husband leaves you and the children).....to be honest the fact a parent works full time can work against them but again it all depends on the surrounding circumstances and won't rest solely on this factor.....it all comes down to the parent's ability to look after the children and their ability to meet their needs.

As for the house....

Did you contribute anything to the purchase price or is your name on the deeds....

You will also be protected by the Matrimonial Causes Act .....again when looking at splitting property the courts will look to do it fairly but it depends on several things, I forget which sorry! They CAN make him sign the house over to you but I don't know how this works and if you get residence of the children it may well be you can stay in the house until they reach 18 or leave education and then it must be sold....again I'm a bit foggy on these things....

I think the best thing you can do is go and see the CAB or a solicitor if you are serious about divorcing him.....it does sound as though he is using the children against you....

The fact he was going to stay behind as a house hubby probably won't count for much seeing as its not actually happened yet...

Hope this helps....

To be honest I think that you need to be aware that there is NO gender bias any longer when deciding who is the best person to bring children up - but it is also possible to make joint custody arrangements. It will also depend on support networks that you have in place - how far away do your family live compared to his.

With a 13 week old baby are you sure (and I am not being patronising) that things are not as bad as they seem to be at the moment and that you can't work things out