How to ask for what I need?

RoxieW

i know we pay for gym but OH has paid a year contract and he wont stop going. i could as i pay weekly but i've been trying to prioritise it tbh as i'm sick of looking a mess and feeling down about it - and going has picked my mood up. it would be easy for me to drop it but then i'd just be at home seeing to the baby wheres OH does that if i'm at a class - i do the same 4 him mind!
i know i sound like i wont help myself - thats the problem - i dont want anything to go that can go, and the rest cant really. I guess i just need to get used to life with 3 kids!
the boys could help more though - its just getting them into good habits which i need to do. batch cooking is also a good idea - any suggestions for things that are easy to batch cook?

SugarSpun

RoxieW wrote: »

he often adds extra little tasks (make him a hair app, take the boys for hair cuts, look into this that or the other) and it makes me want to scream 'why dont i just balance a coconut on my head while i'm at it!' to be fair to him though he comes home, plays with the baby and gets him ready for bed (when he's here and not at football straight from work). by the time he's done that and had tea theres no time for him to do any housework.

This is not acceptable behaviour, and he needs to realise that. He is not doing enough, and since you have three little ones and a demanding husband it is no wonder you feel like you're drowning.

How much stuff are you ironing? If it's more than school uniforms, work shirts and things that really need it, it's too much. Folding them should take care of the worst of the creases and wearing clothes drops out the rest in a matter of an hour.

Your boys should be helping with housework - at the very least tidying things away and wiping surfaces. You could also try leaving them to do their homework while you do something else, and letting them come to you when/if there's a problem and then you or your husband check it at the end.

Your husband should have more empathy than to think that cutting down all the time you have that isn't household work is a good way to deal with your distress. He could also be doing far more work around the house - housework isn't a Mon-Fri task, and phone calls can be done from any phone - I assume he has access to one at work? Why can't he make his own hair appointments, or organise them for when the boys have theirs and all go together?

A bigger problem than the division of labour seems to me to be that you're asking for help but making excuses as to why he can't change and why you therefore have to. You now have an extra child and you both need to make changes to accommodate the new one. It can't just be you.

Pollycat

Hi
I wonder if this link may help:
http://apni.org/

It does say they have a team of volunteers who have been through PND, maybe one of those could advise you.

Did your doctor prescribe anything or offer any useful advice?

When you're suffering from something that's not visible (unlike measles or a broken leg), unless the person you're trying to talk to has actually experienced the same thing (and I guess your OH hasn't :rolleyes:), it's very hard for people to empathise.

You original post seemed very rational and explanatory - do you think it might help if your OH read it and see what his reaction is?

Regards

sooz

people keep telling me that life with 3 gets easier. I certainly hope so!
look on old style for batch cooking. we live on home made pre-prepared food. My freezer has chilli, spag bol, mashed potato, plain tomato sauce, lasagne, slices of garlic bread, pizza bases, stews etc. Mostly winter foods although the boys in the house don't think much of lighter summery foods. I also pre-prepare snacks, so when I'm making up lunchboxes, I make up sandwiches for after school too, & the following day's lunchboxes too. My eldest has to empty the dishwasher, & serve breakfast. Both help with hanging out & sorting washing. Only a few more years til they can reach the iron & the hob

If the boys are both at school, can you do an exercise class with the baby during the day, rather than at night? Have you asked about kids classes at the gym? You might find they offer football at the same time as the more popular mum's classes. Or does school offer football on site as an after school activity, meaning you have an extra hour or two after school?

WestonDave

A few points from a bloke that's been on the other side of this fence.

Firstly by instinct any male will try to solve the problem rather than understand it. You don't have enough time so he will suggest things that will free up time. Over time you may train him to just empathise with how pressured you feel but it goes against all natural instincts so don't hold your breath - it took me a long time to partially learn this lesson and even now I tend to revert to type!

Secondly you hint yourself that you want to feel that you can do this rather than just wanting it done. Again we learned that me simply taking everything on as I did for 3 years can to an extent be counter productive as it simply leave you feeling even more inadequate especially if as in our case the toll it takes on your OH starts to add to your feelings of guilt/inadequacy.

The real solution to this is to sit down and talk it through. In the RoxieW household there is currently too much for the available time that the 2 of you have. Start from scratch by allocating time to the most important essentials and then work down through your JOINT priorities until you start to run out of time at which point choices will have to be made. The aim is to get done what needs to be done but without working yourselves to the bone or sending either of you over the edge. I know from personal experience that just saying "he must do more" doesn't resolve the problem especially if "he" ends up heading for burn out/bad temper etc. Look for imaginative solutions like him going to the gym at lunchtime but by the same token recognise that if your "work" is really a nice break for you that earns you the holiday you want, then maybe its not fair to ask him to give up his free time to keep that on the agenda. Similarly not all things can be equal - you may be exhausted at 7pm while he has energy to keep going until 9pm in which case you should both be working until a similar state of exhaustion - which might alternatively mean that if he comes in shattered after a days work and just about manages to keep it together to bath the kids its a bit tough to ask him to do more simply because you keep going.

As you yourself say - you seem a bit reluctant to give anything up which would be the logical male solution to this problem. Maybe you partly just need to appreciate that his lack of understanding of this barmy female behaviour is not because he is a one off slob, its because that's the way he is wired up. Poor bloke probably goes off after a "discussion" wondering where he went wrong "she said she was too busy, I suggested cutting something out and that was wrong as well". As well as him learning how to respond to your needs (i.e. more empathy) you need to let him solve a few things as well - there is nothing to be gained simply transferring all your frustration on to him.

These few months (and in experience its probably going to be a lot better in 12 months at the latest) are about surviving as a individuals and as a united family team. This is where the priorities come in - is having everything ironed, the holiday fund, the gym/exercise time, the football classes or whatever the particular item is, worth losing either of your sanity or your relationship over - if not (which I assume not) then start making some reasonable compromises both of you.

(Reading that back it sounds a bit like I'm having a go at Roxie which wasn't my intention - sorry if it comes across like that!)

clairec79

Re the cooking - get a slow cooker so you can chuck everything in earlier in the day and then just dish up at teatime as it sounds like it's after school that things get manic.

Iron less as already said, also you may want/need to wash less as well - unless they've got filthy the boys jeans/trousers/shorts will last a few days with fresh tops on (their top half is more likely to be sweaty/dirty) especially if they are changing out of uniform to normal clothes they are only wearing them for a couple of hours

Would you find it easier to shop online and get the shopping delivered, again saves time all you have to do is put it away.

Do you stay while the boys are at football? If so can you make the calls on your mobile to free up a bit of time (or do the shopping at this time)

When the boys are off school don't plan activities for everyday, they'll enjoy just being kicked out into the garden for a day or so and you can catch up

efrieze

Have you considered spending your gym money on a cleaner/ironer instead and at the time you would want to exercise, go for a run/power walk/do an exercise dvd at home???? Have you heard of these groups where people march/jog round the parks with their babies in their strollers??? There may be cheaper ways to get your exercise in that might mean you can afford help in the house.

Also, if you get your shirts etc ironed at the laundrette they charge say £1 per item which means £££££££ but if you get someone in the house for 2 hours a week (even just to help with the laundry workload) it may only cost you £15 for a big help. And then maybe you might have those 2 hours to so more freelance work which would generate more ££ to cover it? Worth looking into?

jack*tigger

Have you tried the fly lady?? /www.flylady.net/

She talks you through how to get a bit more organised so you are doing the housework etc in a more organised way.

Another thing to do it is sit down and write out a list of all the things that you need to do each day. Go through it (with some fly lady training) and pare it down to the essentials.
Stick your revised list on the fridge so your OH can see how much you have to do. If he wants something doing tell him to add it to your list and you'll get around to it when you have time.

Also start telling OH to do some jobs or give him options. e.g. "Do you want to bath the kids or wash the pots?" Or "Can you get the kids school stuff ready for morning after you've read them a story."

Being more organised will help you cope with your workload - and to see what it important to do and what can be dropped.
The list will show OH how busy you are.
And telling him what to do makes things clear that you need his help.

Jo_R_2

Roxie, my OH can be very similar at times. He definitely offers solutions and we do have a chuckle when I say that I don't want him to mend things, I just want him to be my shoulder to lean on

However sometimes things do need a solution and I think the advice WestonDave offered is pretty spot on. My OH often says he couldn't do what I do (ie stay at home with the kids) and is pretty helpful on the whole to say he does a long day of physical work five days a week. He'll do as your OH, picks up baby and often takes over when I'm faltering somewhere around teatime.

But he does sometimes need things to be shown to him right in front of his eyes (the specific instruction thing) - you'd be surprised what he doesn't see, not his "fault" I don't think but just because we prioritise things differently. For example, yesterday I'd managed to get through til about 4pm but not been to the shops to pick up some food I needed for tea as I was doing a little buffet-type tea for his birthday. He saw me being stressed and switched into man-sort-out mode and chucked a load of stuff on to cook, making an all-day breakfast meal, just because he saw that as solving the problem. I got all upset because I'd wanted to do something nice for his birthday and save cooking a big dinner, but he saw it as me being stressed and did what he saw as a quick and easy way to help me out. See - it's not just your OH!

Of course there's always the times he gets manky and says he doesn't know what I do all day (when I worry about not getting stuff done) which is when I tell him that tomorrow I'll just not do any of it and he can sort out changing and feeding baby/taking DD2 to playgroup/doing the shopping/making breakfast, lunch and dinner/doing all the housework/making his pack-up and he promptly shuts up LOL!

RoxieW

hi all thank you or the replies
a couple of weeks ago i tried to organise my workload into a scheduale or routine but of course with a 3 mth old it lasted about 5 mins! he's just spent the last coule of hours crying and wouldnt settle for a sleep so nothing much has got done today. i love a good list though so may have a look at another way of doing it. trouble is - oh just see's housework jobs like ironing not getting done and think i've had loads of time- he doesnt realise that looking after a baby is pretty full on -as well as all the ferrying around and the everyday chores. sometimes i feel i've done nothing but not stopped all day lol