How to ask for what I need?

RoxieW

Hi all
Well prior to my previous post I've been to docs and diagnosed post natal depression.
My OH wants to help but he doesnt understand the illness and doesnt know how to. He needs clear instruction from me but I dont know what I need or how to ask for it.
Example, yesterday I had a bad day. I have a baby, 2 older boys, the house to look after and a small from home job that is flexible. I feel like I've not stopped for about a fortnight as the boys have been off school with various activities planned each day and this week I've been busy with various things - dr's apps, shopping, baby group, swimming lessons etc - all the usual. Yesterday I met a friend straight from school for a coffee, did some shopping/picking up prescriptions then came home and then worked while baby napped (then continued with him on my knee when he woke), made some phone calls (tax credits, appointments etc), got the boys from school, had to rush across town to get them to football in time, rush back home to cook dinner so OH can help me get the boys sorted for bed before he goes to the gym, then homework, reading, sorting the baby, clearing up etc.
By the end of the day I felt like I was being squeezed - I couldnt breathe and I felt sick. I'd had no time for the mountains of ironing that needs doing (have been washing like a crazy person as we have some sun!) and the bathroom needs a clean (again! house of boys lol).
I just feel like everything is snowballing. When the baby sleeps I'm working so am having to juggle keeping the baby happy with the housework and he's only 3 mths so not at the age where he can play alone or i can use the magic gogglebox lol. When OH gets home i normally run abour like a mad woman clearing up and cooking but 2 nights a week the boys have activities and 2 nighhts a week oh has football so not much chance when he's home either. on top of breastfeeding, sleepless nights and excercise classes 3 x weekly on evenings (i'm fat from baby lol) i feel i'm stretched to breaking point - but i'm not sure what can give.
Anyway, I dont like to share these feelings with OH normally as i feel inadequate but attempted to yesteterday as instructed by GP and he was immediatly defensive as he thought i was trying to 'get out of' taking the boys to football on weds. my complaint that i felt so rushed tol get there in time was met with 'thats b.s. - i managed when I was off work' (he had a month off after baby.). so i immediately clammed up and stopped sharing how i felt with him.
He realised he'd jumped down my throat (we've talked about this recently as my other post readers will know) and thren started to offer solutions.
His solution is for me to give up my work (I'm a freelance writer). It would free up time but as i really enjoy it I'm loathe to give it up to iron/pair up socks or whatever when the baby has his sleep. He also suggested giving up my once a week meet with said friend for coffee (an hour and half). When I dont agree with his solutions he just retreats and says 'cant help you then' or whatever. TBH I'm not sure what the solution is. I'm not sure I even wanted a solution - I just wanted to share how I felt and get a hug or whatever. But its so diffucult to put into words with him as he doesnt understand how I feel. I find it difficult to communicate it anyway as I feel pathetic that I cant keep all the balls in the air.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? what did you do? And any suggestions how I can vocalise how I feel to a very simple, straightforward and not really into 'talking about feelings' man.

sooz

roxie..I feel the same. No 3 is so much harder and I don't feel there is enough of me to go round. It's so easy for him to say give up your work, or your exercise or meeting a friend, but those are the only times that you have just for you. Do you have a big family diary in a prominent place? Can he see exactly how much you do every day? I too feel like my life is slotted into ten minutes between the next activity. Can he cook, clean or iron? Perhaps you could share some of these? How old are the boys? Can they help at all..even just cleaning the bathroom after themselves?
The only thing I can suggest if he is unwilling to help more, is to employ someone to help you. Perhaps just to do the school runs & after school actvities.
Finally, is there any time in there for you as a couple? My baby is not much older, & I'm still exclusively breastfeeding, but she will take a bottle of expressed milk so we can go out together once a month or so.

cuddlymarm

Hi

I know this may not be possible but if you don't want to give up your job (which is quite natural as its difficult to get jobs once they are gone these days) but could you not pay a cleaner say 2 hours 2 times a week to keep on top of the ironing/ clean the bathroom/ hoovering/dusting/ etc. This will free you up a little so that you can actually take a breather occasionally.

Cuddles:rotfl:

flea72

something has to give, and that isnt you

either OH needs to be at home more often, ie drop the gym for a while and clean the bathroom or do the ironing

and you need to stop worrying about the small things

so what if the bathroom is dirty, if the boys 'miss' the loo, then teach them to wipe up the mess. one good way of finding the time to clean the bathroom is to have a bath, whilst its running, you can give the surfaces a quick wipe down - thats all that needs doing when time is short

If the ironing is too much, then employ someone to do it. most ironing services charge £15 tops for a black binbag's worth of clothes. Its worth it for the sanity, and time it gives you

baby is 3m old, what on earth are you doing going to exercise classes 3 times a week. from the sounds of it, your life isnt short on fat burning exercise, what with all the running around you do, so maybe drop that until life settles down a bit, and the routine is a bit more stable

If taking the boys to football, is so important to your oh, then perhaps he needs to start taking more responsibility for their taxi service himself. I really think your oh should take a few weeks holiday from work, and see what your daily life entails - ie he has to do it all, instead of you. Im sure after that, he will understand that you cant be in twenty places at once, and do everything. something does have to give, and tbh it should be him doing the 'giving' at the moment

anyway, hugs, hang in there, as a mum of 3 this just sounds so familiar, but it does get better

Flea

RoxieW

hi sooz thanks for your reply - glad to know i'm not the only one! the boys are 5and 6 and are quite good at sorting themselves (they have to at times if i'm seeing to baby) but every morning we have bits of uniform on back to front, inside out, too small, dirty lol.when OH comes home i like him to spend time with the kids while i get on with things but there just isnt enough time when we're getting home at half 5 then one or the other of us needs to be out the door for 7 for the gym. its just such a rush!
employing someone isnt an option money wise unfortunately and baby wont take a bottle - we have tried and tried - he just chews the teat. I'd love a grown up night out but cant see it happening 4 a while.

SugarSpun

I have a husband who's desperate to help with preparations for the incoming infant (outgoing infant? She's inside, due out next month) but who has no idea where to start.

After getting annoyed a bunch of times because I was doing everything and he was faffing about wondering where to start, I made a list of things that needed to be done. He is welcome to do any of the things on the list, and the list is now a Google document to which we both have access and editing power (things are deleted when they're done).

It sounds like your OH doesn't realise how much you do in a day - I suggest making a daily list of what needs to be accomplished/what you did, and then asking him how long he thinks you can keep running on fumes.

I would get a cleaning lady for a couple of hours a week, give up one of your exercise classes and schedule bulk cooking for a time when your OH is home to mind the baby/wrangle the older children so you can reheat premade meals during the week rather than start from scratch. Also, if your boys are old enough for football practice, they're old enough for basic household tasks like pairing socks and wiping surfaces in the bathroom.

sooz

It sounds mad with both of you going out to the gym separatly 5 nights per week. Is it a family gym? Do they have a creche? My elder two can play football or tennis whilst I'm at the gym, & this is included in their very small membership fees. Then we can all go together.

Have you asked around at school about sharing a school run, or how much others pay for school run childminders? Or find a fellow mum at football, & you take your & hers one week, and vica versa.

flea72

RoxieW wrote: »

employing someone isnt an option money wise unfortunately

you both go to the gym several times a week. either by stopping this, and doing the cleaning/ironing yourself, means you wont be so stressed. or stop paying for it, and use the money to pay someone to do your chores

honestly, gym isnt a necessity, when you are at breaking point

Flea

RoxieW

thanks all. unfortunately, getting a cleaner or ironer just isnt an option money wise. anything i earn is going in a holiday fund which OH doesnt mind doing without but i definately want to keep up. i'd love someone to do my ironing but the amount we have i'd be paying out a fortune. plus i just dont like the idea that i 'cant' do it. its impossible for OH to do the clubs as he's at work. we've both recently started going to the gym in order to feel better about ourselves physially but also as i read excercise is good for depression. tbh i'm enjoying the classes and the break from the house they give me. they have added an extra degree of difficulty to life though admittedly.
i think i just want him to listen and acknowledge and symaphise but he finds that difficult - i think he expects me to be superwoman as he often adds extra little tasks (make him a hair app, take the boys for hair cuts, look into this that or the other) and it makes me want to scream 'why dont i just balance a coconut on my head while i'm at it!' to be fair to him though he comes home, plays with the baby and gets him ready for bed (when he's here and not at football straight from work). by the time he's done that and had tea theres no time for him to do any housework.

belfastgirl23

I don't really understand why you can't afford a cleaner if you could afford to give up work? Unless your work is on a voluntary basis

I can see why you're reluctant to give up any of the very little 'me' time you have and I'm assuming the gym is part of that as well. So I would say the answer has to be in giving your DH specific instructions. What's the issue with the boys going to football? Is he not home in time to take them? TBH it's more of a dad job anyway, could you encourage the boys to voice that they'd like dad there? Even if you dropped them and he picked them up it would still free you up a little.

Also I would suggest looking very hard at the ironing and figuring the absolute must irons. I also find that stuff that line dries gets wrinklier, and one solution can be to tumble them when they're still very slightly damp for about five minutes and that means they don't need ironed. Money wise it's still ok because you aren't using the iron

On the talking to him issue, I think when he looks to find solutions you need to first of all make sure that he's clear that the 'me' time isn't negotiable.

Is the bottom line that he's unwilling or unable to take on any more and that's why he's feeling defensive?

belfastgirl23

RoxieW wrote: »

i just dont like the idea that i 'cant' do it.

Sorry we cross posted before. But I think you've identified the crux of your problem here you need to acknowledge that it is too much for your household. While no one can judge you but yourself it sounds to me like it is entirely reasonable to need some help with the amount you have on. Something is going to have to give and yes it's going to be something you don't want to give in on but in fact I can sort of see why your husband is frustrated. Only you can decide whether you can live with things unironed, or put less money into the holiday fund, or give up on the gym or whatever. You are expecting too much of yourself in my opinion!

Just my opinion though