We've seperated - advice needed

springbokfamily

I sat down with my partner on Friday night and we have decided to seperate after 10 years together. The discussions were all quite amicable and we are going to sit down again once we have both looked at our finances.

My concern is we have a 2 year old son together. We have established that he will stay with me. I want to make sure that the access/contact arrangements over my son are fair to both of us, and I dont want to stop my ex-partner from seeing his son and being a part of his life.
I dont know anyone who has an access arrangement for their children.
Can anyone let me know what sort of access arrangements they have over children so that I can sit with my ex-partner and make a fair judgement on what we should do.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated

thanks

Bossyboots

The access arrangements simply need to be what you can both live with and they are individual to the couple concerned. It is lovely to hear that you are actually going to discuss this. I hear all to often of couples who simply can't or won't acknowledge the part the absent parent needs to play in a child's life.

What I would say is that you need to maintain this attitude for many years to come. You will both have to understand that as your child gets older his needs and life will change. You both need to be able to adjust to that and compromise.

For example, when he gets to 7 or 8 he might want to be in the school football team. That will almost inevitably mean after school and/or Saturday training. If your OH is having contact on a Saturday, he will have to be flexible enough to understand that your son has a right to put that first and the arrangements will have to be reviewed. Equally, you would then have to be part of the compromise by, say, extending the time on which your son is returned by a couple of hours to make up. Alternatively, your OH could offer to help with the footie team so still having a quality contact session with your son.

That is just an example, there will be many things along the way to adulthood that will get in the way of contact arrangements and if you can discuss this now and agree that when things crop up you will discuss them, you will have a much happier future and your son will get the best of both parents even if one is not living with him anymore. It will also be good for your son to see you both compromising. He will be happier if his parents get along and it will teach him a valuable lesson for the future.

elisebutt65

I have 2 boys - 5 and 11. They have differnt dads.

I was married to the younger one's dad so he has automatic parental responsibility. He goes to him every other weekend and stays there for the whole of any half terms. During the summer, I let him stay as long as he wants, providing we're not going away and also send him to my mum for week. He would go more often if he wanted but Dad is blind and lives about 30 miles away, is also getting remarried with another one on the way so atm everyone is happy with the arrangement.

The eldest one's dad applied for Parental Responsibility through the court - no idea why he did it through the courts as I would have agreed anyway. He lives in Portsmouth and I live in the Midlands so it is harder for him. He usually goes for the whole of the half-terms and half of the main holidays and we take it in turns for Xmas.

Everything is all very civilised - I get regular maintenance - Only a tenner a week from the little one's dad but he can't be arsed to get a job so I can't expect anymore from him.

The key is communication really - as long as you can keep everyhting civil and keep talking then it should all go OK.

Good luck!!

magentadreamer

My DD was 3 when me and my ex split up, at first she spend alot of the time with me as she was a bit of a mummys girl when she was little. Now she spends 3 nights a week with her dad. We also go jointly to things like school concerts/parents evenings. we split the weekend up in that she goes to her Dads on Friday night and comes back to me on Saturday evening. I found that being flexible helps and getting on. If the split is amicable then this can be maintained. We spend her birthday together going out on a day out etc as neither of us would want to not spend her birthday without her. Christmas day she dictated the Christmas ritual to us a couple of years ago -she stays with me Christmas Eve her Dad comes at the crack of dawn to watch her open her pressies then me and DD go to my Mum's. I did ask if my Ex wanted to change this but DD informed us of how she wanted Christmas. We are both flexible and want whats best for our daughter at the moment arrangements work as she gets older things will evolve yet again.

Slightly Off topic but my DD wants explained that having two homes was rather good as Santa came to them both.

Symbeaux1

I agree with bossyboots, the most successful arrangements I have seen between seperated parents centre around the child and not the 'rights' of the parents, as your child gets older and goes to school, you will need his Father to take his fair share of responsibility, your son will need to get to school and back for instance, and I'm sure some sort of resentment would prevail if you spent Monday to Friday sorting him out with school and any out of school activities and generally running around only to have him given over to 'access' at the weekend when you should be able to enjoy some relaxing time with him too. If Dad has ordinary run-of-the-mill access , it will also prevent that 'being with Dad is all roses and sunshine ' way of thinking, I have known several adults who have demanded to go live with Dad when they were children, because he dosn't nag about homework, picking stuff up off the floor etc... only to find that everyday life with Dad is not all pre-organised pleasurable activities and is in fact just as humdrum as life with Mum. I can only re-iterate, the issue here is about not only rightful access but also responsibility for your son. I have seen as many cases where the absent parent gets weekend access and the remainder of their time is completely their own, free to pursue a fresh relationship etc...and the parent with care gets to enjoy all the weektime work involved, as I have where the absent parent is denied any access at all.

wigginsmum

My DH sees his 2 kids on Wednesdays and Fridays, and every other Friday he brings them to us for the weekend; during the school holidays they stay for a few days at a time. He speaks to them every evening on the phone; has done for 7 years, and it's all very amicable.

Becles

Keep it as amicable as you can, and both be flexible around what the little boy wants.

My childrens Dad can have them pretty much when he wants, but he is aware of the days they stay late for after school activities etc, and if he rings asking for them at short notice we might already have made plans.

Problems in the beginning were caused by him demanding to have them when it wasn't convenient for me. Eg ringing on a Friday night wanting them Saturday afternoon, when I'd already bought tickets for the match. He had to learn that we still have a life here, and we can't sit around on the off chance that he might ring wanting to see them. You need to set rules from the beginning to stop this happening.

It's better for the child if you can keep it amicable. My son had a disco for his recent birthday, and the whole class were invited. One little girl was really upset because she couldn't come as her Dad always has her on a Sunday afternoon and he wasn't prepared to negotiate a different time so she could go to the party. I felt sorry for the girl as the Dad wasn't putting her wishes first.

Good luck!

Kimberley

My kids see their dad once every two weekends, being picked up Saturday morning until Sunday evening. Him having the kids every two weeks was his choice. I would prefer him see them every weekend due to their age. He doesn't even phone them up during the week which is a shame.

I think with a 2 year old, twice during the week and on a saturday is ok.

Also if you both remain friends and have no other partners as she grows up, maybe you could both as friends go out together with your child so that she can see mummy and daddy can still get a long.

Kimberley

Becles wrote:

It's better for the child if you can keep it amicable. My son had a disco for his recent birthday, and the whole class were invited. One little girl was really upset because she couldn't come as her Dad always has her on a Sunday afternoon and he wasn't prepared to negotiate a different time so she could go to the party. I felt sorry for the girl as the Dad wasn't putting her wishes first.

Good luck!

Him being like that could damage his relationship with her in the long run. Still, some men can be selfish at times.

magentadreamer

Kimberley, that is a rather sweeping statement, some woman can be incredibly selfish as well and make access to children a real issue. I have one male friend who was told by his Ex that yes he could come over on Xmas Eve to give his kids their pressies, to find they'd gone out. No it wasn't an emergency -he did ask that she decided as it wasn't one of his days she would rather her kids didn't get their Xmas pressies. His kids were told by their Mother, Dad couldn't be bothered to buy them any presents.

Yes men can be selfish at times but equally so some woman can be complete !!!!!es. Me I know i'm lucky in that my arrangements work for my daughter - both her parents want what is best for her. We're not rigid in arrangements - If my Ex wanted to take DD some where on a day that was "mine" and DD wanted to go then she'd go.I'm not going to stop her going to her Gran's birthday party just because it's not one of my Ex's days. And vice versa. I find it's about being flexible and remembering who's needs need to be met first

Kimberley

Magen i was going by that particular post. I said some men, not all and yes some women can be selfish at times, in fact women can be worse. Women who use their kids as pawns to hurt their ex's are wrong and will learn the hard way as the kids grow up anyway.