Can you really talk to your partner?

teagan1966

my x partner always said well talk bout it later ! , well we never he did he walked out after 3 years living 2 gether , no reason nothing, i think that people who cant talk will never have a decent relationship as its all part of it , he was 39 when we met , never married, i always thought men of that age never married not quite right, should have followed my instint !!!

belfastgirl23

The answer for me is yes I can talk to him but mostly I don't. To be honest for the emotional support kind of talking he isn't that much use. That sounds harsh but either he gets angry at whoever is upsetting me or he doesn't really get why I'm upset. I'm lucky that I have other people in my life who I can talk to about that sort of stuff much better. But when it comes to it he's always there with a cuddle and will (mostly) be open to talking.

On the other hand he talks to me a lot about his work etc but then he's self employed so has no 'workmates' as such. The good thing is that i am properly interested in it without faking it. So that's fine.

I am wondering for your OH though, either does he get that kind of emotional talking support elsewhere? Or does he do a job that involves doing a lot of talking and he needs a rest from it at home?

Either way though, no relationship can provide 100% of everything you need, so it's a case of figuring out how important it is to you. Or can someone else make up that lack.

xmaslolly76

Can i state from the other side of the fence i dont talk much at home. I work all day in a very noisy office constantly taking phone calls and listening to people moan and winge so when i get home i just want to switch off for a while. I have a DD who talks constantly, we swear she can talk the hind legs of a donkey. My son is like me will talk when its needed other wise keeps his thoughts to himself and my partner who loves to chat and i do make time to talk to him but sometimes i just feel like screaming Shut the hell up to the lot of them as i can feel my head spinning. So we now have a rule i will make time to listen to their daily ups and downs as long as i am left alone for an hr after i get home from work.

Maybe you can ask him to do this for you give him chance to unwind once home but then he has to give you some time to actually listen and respond to what your saying even if its just talking over your evening meal. Make sure the TV is switched off and no other distractions are present it may be a bit awkward at first but you will both see the benefits eventually.

Steel_2

I'm a yapper, hubby isn't but he will tell me about things that happened during his day, ask me about my day, ask my opinion on things and talk about current affairs. Get him onto his hobby thought and he'll yap for England. Our yapping is at a nice comfortable level for both of us.

It really depends whether it's what you're happy with. Bear in mind if your relationship stands the test of time, this is how he will be permanently. You'll be staying with him knowing this. Don't stay with him because he's a nice chap and you hope he may change or it seems a shame to let him go because he's a nice chap or you're worried about being alone. There are many men out there who are nice chaps and will satisfy the level of communication you need.

Just a thought, but how will you two talk about something when you have a problem?

gibboelli

We talk about everything and anything. Neither of us are big talkers but we always have something to talk about with each other. Can be about anything, emotions, current events, hobbies,music, things we've read, about family and friends etc etc. We always make time to listen to each other.
I dont believe its a guy thing not to want to talk to their partners- just down to the bloke.

larmy16

Thanks again for all your replies. His ex wife left him because he did not talk to her - she ended up having an affair so I guess she was starved of contact. No he would not willingly talk about anything deep - it would have to be prised out of him!

I am going to have a chat about it today. We are currently going through a very arid patch and I am questioning whether to walk. We don't live together but I see a fair bit of him through the week.

The comment about him being a nice bloke and being scared to leave ring very true. Most of my past relationships have been very dodgy what with alcohol problems and violence so being with someone kind and nice is different for me.

I was single for many years before meeting this man.

Thanks again for all your replies. It does help.

Filey

My husband is a great talker. He likes to discuss the political situation, what's wrong with young people today, how to defeat the Taliban in Afghanistan, how the British Lions are doing at Rugby, what discipline should be like in schools, the Licensing Hours, and so on and so forth.

I wouldn't call it a discussion really. More of a rant.

Should I try to discuss our relationship he says not to tell him my problems as he's got enough of his own. I should have said my ex husband as we have recently got divorced after 45 years. Should have done it years ago!

jenhug

I think you need to ask if they are comfortable silences or awkward silences?
Hubby is not much of a talker about feelings, I know almost nothing about his job or who he works with other than his "boss" as he is a family member! He just doesn't feel the need to talk about things like that. He will however ask about my day and how I am, so I know he does care.

I think you need to ask yourself if you can live with someone who doesn't feel the need to communicate verbally.

margaretclare

All couples are different, but...here are my thoughts:

When DH and I first got together nearly 12 years ago we were on the same wavelength from day one. We've always been able to converse with each other on any and every subject under the sun, and we understand and tolerate the times when we're different.

I could not live any other way.

His view is that being an older couple it is essential to be able to converse. It's important once the more urgent things of youth are no longer there.

We enjoy each other's company, enjoy the things we do together, and that includes being able to talk to each other. Going on holiday for instance - there's not much fun if there's nobody beside you to say 'oh, just look at that!' And then later, to be able to recall the pleasurable incident by saying 'Do you remember that time when...'

seven-day-weekend

Agree absoluteely with Margaretclare.

My husband and I have been married for 38 years. When we first met, we talked. Well actually I think I gabbled! But we still talk. Whether it be to do with our relationship, our son, our faith, MP's expenses, or even just letting off steam or being a sympathetic ear for something that is bothering one of us - yea, you have to talk.

However, it is important to understand that some people are more talkative than others and that some people are no good at 'small talk' - they only talk when they have something to say. I still believe though that even with people like this it is important that they are able and willing to talk to their loved ones about things that interest/bother them.

Some people of course have conditions like the Aspergers' Syndrome already mentioned that make 'normal' communication difficult. This however can be factored into the relationship and overcome if both partners are honest about it. My son has mild AS and every so often he will start a monologue about something bizarre that is interesting to him (but no-one else) and goes onandonandonanonandon never noticing the glazed look on his victims' faces. But even something like this if is approached honestly and with understanding on both sides can be factored into a relationship. I just now say 'innapropriate' to him after five minutes and he shuts up-usually (we have actually discussed this and agreed that I should do that!). . His girlfriend (who also is on the AS spectrum) is even worse!

So yes, you must communicate and that will mean talking and listening to a greater or lesser extent, depending upon your personality and/or problems.