Child Care & Tax for Working Or Allowance for staying at Home?

elisebutt65

I'm one of those who had to go back to work because of money. I went back when my first son was 2½ months old and it wa horrible!!!! I had a mortgage at the time and hadn't been in my job long enough to get materntity pay!!

It was the worst torture imagineable!! I kept letting down everywhere and my boobs hurt permanently - that was just the physical side - mentally, I was a wreck and I had a breakdown when little'un was a bout a year old and had to have 3 months off sick - luckily I got paid for that!!

Last time around - nearly 6 years now - I had a husband and haven't been back to work since. We got a council house in 2001 so that made life a heck of a lot easier.

This time when ex left, I signed onto IS and started looking for courses. I'm now into my 2nd year of a business degree and though the timings are manic - Have to travel from Leamington to Birmingham in the early morning twice a week, it does mean I get to see so much more of my littlies I only get IS now in the holidays but I still get CTC, childcare grant and a student loan + housing benefit and no council tax - Far better off studying than sat at home.

I was reading an interesting article about how Mums who do go back to work are almost proud of the way they repress their emotions. I really resent that year when I was going slowly mad, that was wasted - rushing to drop baby off at 08.00 and not getting back until 18.00. I was still always broke and only had a crap flat to show for it.

Now I feel like a proper mum - I see the kids all the time 5 full days out of 7, my brain is fully engaged - I won student of the year for my class last year and am expecting to get it again next year - so far my grades are about 15% higher than all those bright young things of 20+!!!

Maybe we should be looking at not letting them go to Uni and get some tax-paying work in first and some life experience under their belt!! That way they can pay for the mums to stay at home for at least the first 2 years.

RACHIE77

elisebutt65 wrote:

It was the worst torture imagineable!! I kept letting down everywhere and my boobs hurt permanently - that was just the physical side - mentally, I was a wreck and I had a breakdown when little'un was a bout a year old and had to have 3 months off sick - luckily I got paid for that!!

I am pleased someone understands.......... :embarasse

How do you know if you are having a breakdown by the way? Is it when you just lose it and can't take no more?? Cos I think I am pretty much there!

elisebutt65

I was just crying all the time and sooo tired - I went to the GP's and he put me on prozac straight away and told me not to go back for a while - signed me off sick - a while turned out to be 3 months.

After the first month holed up in the flat I started taking lots of long walks along the seafront with kiddy, just getting my head together and stuff.

I would never, ever wish anyone to go throug that. Sheer, bloody hell. I didn't set out to become a single mother on purpose - it just happened! Antibiotics and the pill don't mix and I didn't find out until I was 5 months pregnant either :eek:

Now he's been diagnosed with ADHD and has a full statement at school - I keep thinking that it's my fault for not being there for that 1st year.

filigree_2

RACHIE77 wrote:

My day just gets worse and worse! My OH's ex has just decided she wants a share of my salary too and is claiming CSA... they did have a mutual agreement about money, but it seems she dont want his money any more she wants mine! If I quit my job she gets nothing (as his income is low and he has his child to stay over a lot) yet if I am working she gets 15% of my wages!! Oh what fun!

I think you've been given the wrong advice, or the ex has been telling you horror stories to wind you up! If they only have an informal arrangement to date then her new CSA claim will be made under the new rules and only the father's salary is taken into account. If his net income is less than £100 a week he will only pay £5. Have a look at the CSA site and click on the "New Rules" bit for a calculator that will tell you how much he would be asked to pay.

http://www.csa.gov.uk/

I knew someone who had an informal arrangement and went to the CSA and they reduced her child maintenance payments and there was nothing she could do about it. Your partner's ex might regret going to the CSA!

RACHIE77

elisebutt65 wrote:

I was just crying all the time and sooo tired - I went to the GP's and he put me on prozac straight away and told me not to go back for a while - signed me off sick - a while turned out to be 3 months.

After the first month holed up in the flat I started taking lots of long walks along the seafront with kiddy, just getting my head together and stuff.

I would never, ever wish anyone to go throug that. Sheer, bloody hell. I didn't set out to become a single mother on purpose - it just happened! Antibiotics and the pill don't mix and I didn't find out until I was 5 months pregnant either :eek:

Now he's been diagnosed with ADHD and has a full statement at school - I keep thinking that it's my fault for not being there for that 1st year.

I completely sympathise with you, I have been down the prozac road for about 6 months and have taken myself off them as it wasnt working and I still felt $hite, I am getting so stressed with the kids, to the brink of losing it completely and then i just feel so bad for hollering at them... I have been through the crying stage and now just feel shattered and numb and pretty ratty all the time... I'm glad you managed to pull through it, it cant have been easy on your own, my OH isnt good at the talking bit but at least I have his support with the kids, I couldnt do it without him I dont think...

Dont ever think ADHD is your fault hun, it would have happened if you were there or not in the 1st year, I can see where you are coming from blaming yourself but honestly its not justified... I blame myself for so much at the mo, and being a mess myself and wishing things were different is sure to rub off on the kids somehow, however I am hoping it is short term and if I can work my finances out then I can make the steps I need to fix things

Being a mum isnt easy is it! :rolleyes:

xx

RACHIE77

filigree wrote:

I think you've been given the wrong advice, or the ex has been telling you horror stories to wind you up! If they only have an informal arrangement to date then her new CSA claim will be made under the new rules and only the father's salary is taken into account. If his net income is less than £100 a week he will only pay £5. Have a look at the CSA site and click on the "New Rules" bit for a calculator that will tell you how much he would be asked to pay.

http://www.csa.gov.uk/

I knew someone who had an informal arrangement and went to the CSA and they reduced her child maintenance payments and there was nothing she could do about it. Your partner's ex might regret going to the CSA!

I feel a bit more relieved after reading your thread! thank-you so much! I think I got my knickers in a twist as in the form it was asking stuff about what I get for tax credits and stuff, I think I was seeing a bit of red as I assumed my wages were taken into account and am having a lousy time anyway so didnt need this to happen! I also calculated his wages wrong (probably a symptom of the previous again!) and worked out that he will prob have to pay about £25 a week, it may change as he stays here a lot so i would have to work out exactly what the number of days per year are and work it out again... It will be £25 as a maximum tho (I think!)

She isnt going to see that £25 and from what I can see will get £10 a week at the most so she will probably end up worse off - my OH has always bought clothes and in particular school uniform and paid for stuff as needed so this will have to stop so it is only the child & us that will be worse off out of all this!! My OH has an issue with handing over cash and he is concerned what she spends it on so always tries to buy clothes and stuff, if she knows she is going to be worse off is there any way she can stop her claim?

Thanks again for setting me straight!

xx

filigree_2

RACHIE77 wrote:

I feel a bit more relieved after reading your thread! thank-you so much! I think I got my knickers in a twist as in the form it was asking stuff about what I get for tax credits and stuff, I think I was seeing a bit of red as I assumed my wages were taken into account and am having a lousy time anyway so didnt need this to happen! I also calculated his wages wrong (probably a symptom of the previous again!) and worked out that he will prob have to pay about £25 a week, it may change as he stays here a lot so i would have to work out exactly what the number of days per year are and work it out again... It will be £25 as a maximum tho (I think!)

She isnt going to see that £25 and from what I can see will get £10 a week at the most so she will probably end up worse off - my OH has always bought clothes and in particular school uniform and paid for stuff as needed so this will have to stop so it is only the child & us that will be worse off out of all this!! My OH has an issue with handing over cash and he is concerned what she spends it on so always tries to buy clothes and stuff, if she knows she is going to be worse off is there any way she can stop her claim?

Thanks again for setting me straight!

xx

Believe it or not, the absent father can approach the CSA himself! If the ex tries to cancel the claim he can take it up instead.

You're right, if she is on Income Support then she will only get £10 a week of whatever he pays. I do agree that absent parents should support their kids where possible, but I don't see the point of hounding YOU for money that she'll never see

If you have children living with you (either your kids or any child you and your bf produce together) then his CSA obligations will be even less because it is assumed that he supports any child he lives with, even if they are not biologically his.

I'm not an expert but if you want more advice you might be better off starting your own thread, then other parents in similar circumstances could offer their experiences.

jellyhead

elise i don't think you should blame yourself for your child having ADHD *HUG*
it's very misunderstood at the moment, maybe in ten or twenty years time it will be as widely understood as dyslexia is nowadays, but at the moment i don't think anybody can pinpoint causes and it's one of those nature/nurture things. i looked into it when my boy was statemented for nursery school and mainstream school (the statement was taken away at the end of year 3, he didn't need it anymore). he was tentatively diagnosed borderline ADHD in year 1 but he hasn't got ADHD really (it's dyspraxia in my humble opinion). even so, the chris greene ADHD book is excellent reading for all parents even those whose kids have no special needs. i'm sure your son always knew how much you loved him :-)

i was a stay at home mum and of all the children i know with special needs probably half of them are stay at home mums. ADHD is a funny one because bad parenting can make it worse, but that doesn't mean it only happens to the children of bad parents.

i'm not sure i agree with the general idea that stay at home mums produce better brought up children to be honest, although i will always want to be a stay at home mum and i think it's the best solution for my family. come and walk round my council estate - the unsupervised toddlers in the roads, the kids sitting in the gutter throwing stones, the teenagers smashing up phone boxes and setting fire to bins - does anyone really think these are from working families and none of them have a stay at home mum?