dont know what to do? advise please

claire999

i would appreciate some advise please, ive been with my partner since i was 15 now 23 we've lived together since we were 18 and how have had a mortgage for the past 2 years, i feel really bad but i just dont love him any more and i break down every time i try and tell him. i feel like its all his fault... but im sure he'll say the oportiste. he talks down at me, he's very controlling, shouts, moans and wont do anything for himself, just the other day he drove off home from his parents house coz he didnt want to wait another 10min for me as my bus was late. Hes not violent at all - which is probably a good thing. A few months ago he noticed that i wasnt happy and i tried telling him through the tears - he said he''ll try but nothing has changed. I know it wont jus be him that ill hurt by leaving - his parents have done alot for me over the years helping me with the problems that my mum caused.
The main problems i see that we both dont have very good finances, i currently pay for all the bills apart from the food and travel which he pays for, we have a joint bank account, loan and credit cards (which are being paid off gradually) also we have 4 cats (i really dont know what to do with them).
i appreciate any comments you have

fsdss

only you can decide what you want to do ultimately.
domestic violence is not only physical, it can be emotional too.
if anything, i would discuss this with womens aid if you cant discuss this with your family.

www.womensaid.org.uk

they will give you free and confidential advice and most area's have counsellors.

you still are very young, you have your whole life ahead of you, finances can be sorted but you need the advice from the organisation on how best to handle it, if you are in fear you can also contact the police, and another one to consider is citizens advice bureau for all the debts.

onetomany

it sounds like your partner is suffering from stress, i would suggest both of you talking to the doctor, could you be sufferring from depression? sorry if i sound harsh i suffer from deperssion and i feel everything going wrong sometimes, then i would try to sit down and sort your finances out if you carnt manage on your own then maybe you could go to ur local cab? i wouldnt rush in to anything just try to sort one thing out at a time, also have you thought about both going to relate? xx

Pssst

Perhaps it has been a gradual decline and you havent really noticed ? Either way you are now unhappy and its unlikely to get better. I'd advise you to plan your exit strategy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5--Sje98jI

claire999

thanks very much for your posts so far, i doubt he's stressed - he's very self centred and v. lazy. most of the time i feel like his mum more than his gf, I know that we've grown apart over the years and i think that we only bought our place together as we were living temporary at his parents and it was bit of a rash descion. im gonna speak to my bank today and see how i can split our finances...

beverleyhills

The most important person to worry about at the moment is yourself. The current situation is probably having an effect on your health, so a visit to your GP would be in order.
Talking about how you are feeling to someone who is detached and can be objective would clarify the actual problem.
Your GP could refer you or you could go to Relate.
Could your partner's parent help? Not all are blind to their son's shortcomings.

Dinah93

It's a fact of life that relationships sometimes just run their course, and it sounds like you've stayed in this one simply out of habit for far too long, and its started to effect your emotional well being. You need to do whats best for you emotionally. I left my ex when I had just turned 23, leaving me £16k of debt while he ran away from it all leaving me to face up to it. However I can honestly say I've never been happier. I don't feel bullied anymore, I don't dread going home, and I've met an amazing man who treats me like an absolute queen. It might be choppy financially, but you have a wealth of information and support here on the MSE forums, and I'm sure you'll feel a lot better for the decision.

merlin68

Having just been through the same thing, i know how you feel. It is difficult and i went back to my partner twice after we split, but am slowly getting through it. Now his being more reasonable and not getting drunk and threatening to kill himself. The kids wanted to stay with him which was hard, but i am now having them more often. My old next door neighbour and my eldest dd who is 18 wont speak to me, but as long as the kids are happy thats all what counts in my book.
Everybody kept saying to me you will never find a man who will do everything for you like him, but that was his way of controlling me by making me independant on him and feeling useless as i had no confidence left and wasnt allowed to go out on my own. It is hard though, i thought it would be easy to walk but i was still very emotional.

Steel_2

"Everybody kept saying to me you will never find a man who will do everything for you like him"

That sounds familiar. Everyone said that about my ex too. Guess what? I met a man who was ten times better than my ex because my ex was only really nice when he was out in public and with his friends. The rest of the time he was a moody, aggressive, drug-taking layabout who played mind games.

At one point one of my ex's friends took me to one side shortly after we split up and told me how silly I was to leave as ex was an only child and would inherit several houses and a lot of money when his father died.

Which is about the average mentality of my ex and the people he hung around with.

My life is so much better now.

flutterbyuk25

Not wanting to scare you or generalise, but a partner who you say " talks down at me, he's very controlling, shouts, moans and wont do anything for himself" can start to become violent. I'm speaking for personal experience, its a slippery slope to that point and if you do not love him then I would advise that you leave as soon as you can. What happens when the shouting/controlling doesn't have any affect? etc.

I wish you the best with the decision.

x

Dinah93

Steel wrote: »

I met a man who was ten times better than my ex because my ex was only really nice when he was out in public and with his friends. The rest of the time he was a moody, aggressive, drug-taking layabout who played mind games.

I think we have the same ex!